Friends, Lovers, and the Big Terrible Thing

by Matthew Perry

At forty-nine, I was still afraid to be alone.

My mind is out to kill me, and I know it. I am constantly filled with a lurking loneliness, a yearning, clinging to the notion that something outside of me will fix me. But I had had all that the outside had to offer!

I don’t write all this so anyone will feel sorry for me—I write these words because they are true. I write them because someone else may be confused by the fact that

they know they should stop drinking—like me, they have all the information, and they understand the consequences—but they still can’t stop drinking.

slaughter of a dog on the premises, presumably

Was I unlucky that my colon exploded? Or was I lucky that it happened in the one room in Southern California where they could do something about it?

Why? Why had I been spared?

Things got worse before they got better, though.

But, you see, I can’t say yes to that question “Why?” when I feel like I’m not enough. You can’t give away something you do not have. And most of the time I have these nagging thoughts: I’m not enough, I don’t matter, I am too needy.

I need love, but I don’t trust it. If I drop my game, my Chandler, and show you who I really am, you might notice me, but worse, you might notice me and leave me. And I can’t have that.

So, I will leave you first. I will fabricate in my mind that something went wrong with you, and I’ll believe it. And I’ll leave.

I had no one to tell me it was OK, no one to look at for reassurance.

Not having a parent on that flight is one of the many things that led to a lifelong feeling of abandonment.… If I’d been enough, they wouldn’t have left me unaccompanied, right?

I’m not the biggest fan of confrontation. I ask a lot of questions. Just not out loud.

If you give me all the OxyContin I can stand, I feel

taken care of, and when I’m taken care of, I can take care of everybody else and look outward and be in service to someone.

Turns out he was missing the exact same bit of his middle finger on his right hand.

It just meant I spent a great deal of time alone.

you can’t hit your mother, so the rage turned inward

that Perry kid actually made people laugh. (Of all the drugs, that one is still the most effective, at least when it comes to giving me joy.)

One teacher, Dr. Webb, said, “If you don’t change the way you are, you’ll never amount to anything.”