loved my co-actors, I loved the scripts, I loved everything about the show … but I was also struggling with my addictions, which only added to my sense of shame. I had a secret, and no one could know. And even making the shows could be painful. As I admitted at the reunion in 2020, “I felt like I was gonna die if [the live audience] didn’t laugh. And it’s not healthy for sure. But I would sometimes say a line, and they wouldn’t laugh, and I would sweat and—and just, like, go into convulsions. If I didn’t get the laugh I was supposed to get, I would freak out. I felt like that every single
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