Profiles in Ignorance: How America's Politicians Got Dumb and Dumber

by Andy Borowitz

Europe of socialism”; impressively, we managed to keep this agenda a secret from one of our key allies, the prominent socialist Joseph Stalin. He thinks the Constitution prohibits one party from controlling all three branches of government, which he defines as “the House, the Senate, and the executive.” When it comes to climate change, we can expect many lively scientific debates about its causes between Tuberville and his Republican colleague Ron Johnson, who, as you’ll recall, blamed it all on sunspots. “[T]here is one person that changes climate in this country and that is God,” Tubs declares. If there is one person besides God who’s capable of changing climate in this country, it might be Representative Louie Gohmert, of Texas. When a deputy chief of the Forest Service testified before Congress, Gohmert inquired, “[I]s there anything that the National Forest Service or [Bureau of Land Management] can do to change the course of the moon’s orbit or the Earth’s orbit around the sun? Obviously, that would have profound effects on our climate.” Obviously! Gohmert should be commended for his creative thinking, but, as any informed citizen can tell you, the only people who can change the orbits of the Earth and the moon are the Rothschilds.