Lor (Monstrous, #7)

by Lily Mayne

However, everyone knew that I had someone. Because a year after Jugs had gone into his deep sleep, I asked Lilimar to pierce my lip. To show the world that there was one person—a single person out there—who was mine, who I would never speak ill of, who would be the only one to ever feel the touch of my mouth. I had asked the jeweller to make me a ring with a tiny blue jewel in it, the exact colour of Jugs’ eyes. I had picked it myself. I often spun it when deep in thought, pressing that tiny gem to my lower lip or against the inside of my mouth, remembering the feel of Jugs’ warm mouth against mine.

He should have been there with us, as my consort. My partner. The other half of me. But he wasn’t. And I didn’t know if he ever would be.

Five years.

BRO?????????

“You liked my outfit very much.” A ghost of a smile played at the corners of my mouth, not really there. I didn’t smile much anymore. “I have worn that same outfit for the last five years. There’s no need for me to have a new one every year, is there? And anyway, it… it reminds me of you.”

Eight years.

god poor jugs...

I couldn’t stop. A distant part of me was horrified by my actions, my words, wondering if Jugs could hear all of this from his deep sleep, wondering what he would think of me. But I couldn’t stop. I hadn’t let myself feel anything for eight years, not truly, and for some reason, that day broke me. It wasn’t even a particularly significant day. It was just the day that broke me.

Ten years.

fuck that hurts

Were his eyes really as blue as the jewel in my lip, or had I misremembered? I still had dreams of him smiling and laughing and gazing down at me in the bed, but the colour of his eyes in those dreams was wrong now, I was sure of it. It wasn’t bright enough.

“Some—” Nanimir shook his head, eyes wide and dazed and bloodshot. “A huge… black thing in the air, Verin. And—and the creatures are… They’re vanishing through it.”

oh shit!!!!!

“But it isn’t just… There are others going through. Forileuns. Typilds. Mortiks. Kariks. And… and the rycke.” He whispered the word. “The rycke was there. Watching.” Iorn shot up from his seat as Lyri went stiff. “The rycke is in the fiefdom?” “Yes.” A shiver ran down my spine.

holy shit aury!!

“Humans are vulnerable. Their skin is soft, their teeth are blunt. They have no claws or tails or… Seis, they will be slaughtered.” His mouth set into a grim line, and he exchanged a look with Iorn. “Moric, there isn’t really… We could try to hold them back from the void in the valley, but… it sounds like many have gone through already. They are already there.” “What must be happening over there?” I turned back to the void.

Word spread through the city, the fiefdom—the whole world—about the voids. Some people travelled out to the valley to see it for themselves. Some even went through, despite the soldiers’ warnings that it was dangerous. Few returned, but those who did spoke of blue skies and strange creatures dressed in green and brown who shot at them with unknown weapons, blasting limbs to nothing, riddling their bodies with holes.

But they never did. Not a single human stepped through the void—either void. Lyri and the others went back through the one in the guestroom, leaving for even longer each time, and said they came across a large village—or very small city—that had been completely deserted. All the humans were gone.

“Lor,” they corrected after a pause. “I can see how little you feel anymore. I can see in your eyes how empty you are. But you are still trying. And you are succeeding. We thank you for it.”

A weak sob escaped me as I ran. If Lyri died fighting a skilos, I would never forgive myself. If Marikhai unleashed the rest of the eyriad and conquered my fiefdom, cutting down everyone in their path, I would never forgive myself. But if Talimuth didn’t make it back to Thinir safely with those fungi, I would never forgive myself either.

Lyri grinned at me. “Then this was a success, I’d say.” “A success?” I gawped at him. “We—The eyriad escaped! We all almost got eaten by a skilos!” “Almost, but didn’t.” Lyri slapped me on the back. “Therefore, a success.”

But she was optimistic, saying this unique fungus obviously held properties that counteracted the effects of the poison. With further research, she was confident she could figure out a cure. But a month passed with nothing. Then six months. Then a year.

god thats heart breaking

But they weren’t all deadly, and one still lay in his deep, peaceful sleep in my hyll. Never waking. Never looking at me with his crystal blue eyes, never smiling at me, never lifting his hand for a high-five.

I was stuck. Still waiting. Still unable to grieve and still unable to feel any hope. I had no hope left. I had nothing left at all. I was a shell. Hollow and empty. A body that moved, a mouth that spoke, but nothing else.

Fifteen years. Fifteen years, and Jugs looked exactly as he had the day he fell asleep and never woke back up.

oh my god it hurts every new chapter

It was a part of me now—the pain. The emptiness. The guilt. I had told Jugs that I wouldn’t survive it, not as I was, and I had been right. I was different. I wasn’t cruel or rude or neglectful of myself or others. I was just… nothing.

“Did Jugs mention who their king is?” Iorn asked me. My brows furrowed as I tried to think back—to years ago, when Jugs had still been with me, warm and happy and full of life. Ignoring the pain that stabbed at my chest, I licked my lips and said, “I think… I think he said they were called Ronod Rayan. I remember thinking how strange the name was.” I shook my head. “But he also… he also said they would be changing soon.”

lmaOooo

Lyri frowned at me. “Do you have something against humans? The only one we have met is the one still in this hyll, and he wa—is a wonderful person.”

Perhaps the humans weren’t as vulnerable and weak as we had assumed. Perhaps they were… even more dangerous than some of the terrible creatures that had crossed over into their world.

The void in the guestroom hummed quietly as we said our goodbyes. I clung to my twin so tightly that I struggled to breathe, his various sword and dagger hilts poking at me as I held on for too long. “I’ll be fine, Lor,” he whispered, squeezing me back. “We can handle it. And if the human king says no, at least we tried. Jugs will be proud of you.”

Letting out a shuddering breath, I clung to his cloak sleeve and forced myself to nod. “Just be careful. Please.” “I always am.” I couldn’t even bring myself to glare at him. My face remained frozen into its mask, but Lyri must have seen something in my eyes, because he patted my cheek gently. “I’ll be home soon, Lor.”

As we left the guestroom, I turned and stared at the void one final time. Already, it felt… wrong. Like Lyri was too far away. But he would be back soon. I knew he would.

Lyri never came back. A year passed. It felt like too long, but not outside the realms of possibility. They had to travel to the human king’s hyll on foot, try and speak with him, perhaps negotiate terms, then travel back. A year was reasonable. Then a second year passed.

NO HOW MUCH HEARTACHE AM I SUPPOSED TO TAKE HERE???????

I didn’t understand how the Mabs could be so cruel. I didn’t understand what Lyri and I had done to deserve all of this suffering. Losing our father at such a young age. Losing our mother. Losing Jugs. And now losing each other.

Every night, I sat beside Jugs’ glass case in silence. I couldn’t even bring myself to speak to him anymore, to hope that he could hear me, wherever his mind was. I only had terrible things to say. I had nothing good to tell him.

“Why would they do that?” I turned to Seis, hands clenching into fists. “Why would they do that? Why would they block off the void?” “I don’t know, Lor.” Seis’ tusks peeked up as his mouth thinned into a grim line. “But it doesn’t… Lyri and Gryf will still be able to get back. There are other voids.” I choked on a breath. “Anything that comes back through the valley is already close to death! They can’t—they can’t try and come back that way. They can’t—” “Lor.” Seis gripped my shoulders. “Lyri and Gryf will find their way back. They will.”

Or maybe it was just me. Maybe I had angered them in some way, and I was cursed, and everyone around me—everyone I cared for—was doomed to suffer for my mistakes and sins.

Thirty years. It didn’t seem possible.

fuck

“Lor.” The shout finally made my head lift, hollow terror thudding through me when I saw Lilimar out of breath at the door, Seis just behind her. My chair tipped back as I shot up, part of me wanting to cover my ears and run. I didn’t want to hear her tell me Jugs was truly gone. I wasn’t ready to hear it. I would never be ready. But then she smiled at me—a huge, breathless grin. “I did it.”

HOLY SHIT???

My hands shot up to grip the edge of it. It had been so long since I had touched him—so, so long—and he was right there, looking just as he had before I had lost him to this endless sleep.

My chin trembled as I reluctantly stepped away from the case to approach Seis. “I am furious with you, Seis,” I said shakily. He chuckled. “That’s fine, Moric.” “Lor,” I corrected automatically. Then I choked on a sob and flung myself against his chest. “Th-thank you. I… I can never repay you for this. Either of you.” “You don’t need to.” He gave me a gentle hug, rubbing my back and patiently waiting as I cried into his vest.

“You haven’t lost me,” Seis rumbled, pulling back to smile at me. “And you haven’t lost Jugs. The cure works, Lor. He’s going to wake up.”

I briefly left the room to use the waterchamber, and when I returned, she told me the steam’s effects would likely wear off at some point during the day. I only managed a brief nod, refusing to let myself feel anything over her words. If he didn’t wake up, I knew I would crumble entirely. Turn to nothing.

Eventually, all noises from the other room stopped when Lilimar went to bed. The hyll was silent, the only sound the crackle of the fire and Jugs’ slow, steady breaths. Until they changed. I shot out of the chair when I heard him inhale sharply. His arm shifted off his stomach as I knelt beside him on the bed, my legs trembling. When his eyelids fluttered open, I thought I was going to pass out, white spots dancing in my vision.

“Please don’t cry,” he croaked, weak fingers curling to brush my cheek. “I’m okay, Lor. I feel okay.” I was crying too hard to answer him, throat aching and snot dripping from my nose. I cried so hard I thought I was going to be sick, clinging to his hand and burying my trembling mouth against his palm. “Lor, please don’t cry,” he repeated, chin wobbling at the sight of my desperate tears.

I took a deep, shuddering breath, trying to calm myself down enough to answer him. Finally lowering his hand from my mouth, I clasped it gently between both of mine. Fresh tears dripped down my cheeks from the feel of his warm skin, the sight of his pale hand entwined with mine after so long. So, so long.

“I would wait my whole life for you,” he said quietly, trying to steady his voice even as tears continued to stream freely down his cheeks. He pressed his lips to my hand again. “I would wait forever for you, Jugs.”

I gulped in breaths, trying to stay calm as I pressed my nose and mouth to Lor’s temple. My heart was hammering hard in my chest, making me feel a little lightheaded. Closing my eyes, I inhaled his scent greedily, something deep inside telling me that I hadn’t had this—him—for a very long time.

I’d been asleep, unconscious, unaware of anything, but some part of me had still missed him.

“I love you,” I sobbed, managing to heave my body to the side so I could bury myself against him. “Thank you. Thank you for waiting for me.”

He’d waited for me all this time. In that moment, nothing else mattered.

The panic threatened to bubble back up and overwhelm me. I had been asleep for decades. I forced it back down and kissed him again. Lor was here. He was here. He hadn’t left me. He hadn’t given up on me. Everything else could wait. He’d waited long enough.

I burrowed my fingers under his tunic to feel his skin. Warm and smooth and so familiar. I tried to press myself as close to him as possible, and he let me, tangling our legs together, cupping the back of my head and pressing his lips into my hair.

“If you’d never gotten better, I would still have spent the rest of my life by your side.” He kissed my fingertips. “There is no one else for me, Jugs.”

“R-really?” My voice was small. No one had ever wanted me that much. Not even my own parents. “Even… even after all this time?” “I would have waited forever,” he told me. My eyes filled with tears again. I didn’t voice it, but… I struggled to understand why. Why he loved me so much. Why he had waited so long for me. I wasn’t anyone special. I was just the idiot who’d fallen through that void and into his palace. I wasn’t very smart, and I didn’t think I was very handsome. But… Lor did. Lor told me I was smart. And he said I was the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen. He treated every moment with me like it was precious.