Lor (Monstrous, #7)

by Lily Mayne

There were still rumours to this day that one had survived whatever fate befell them that day. Travelling folk insisted on seeing a lone isdernuc wandering the lands, sometimes in the company of one of the telyths—the ghoulish creatures from a forgotten age.

Lyri had never tried to pressure me into a union with someone like the council did. He hardly ever mentioned my lack of… romantic pursuits, except to ask me in the past if I had any questions, and to tell me that there was nothing wrong with not wanting sex or romance at all. Except I did. I wanted both of those things. I didn’t want to be alone forever.

Lyri and I stared in shocked silence at the groaning lump on the floor and its tangle of long, unnaturally pinkish limbs dusted with golden hair—a wild mop of the stuff on its head that grew longer at the back, like a shorter version of the bareghs’ manes, which trailed all the way down their spines.

Its face looked… somewhat similar to ours, but odd enough to make me recoil. Broader and softer, with none of the sharp lines that made vints so beautiful to look at. And its ears were tiny. Rounded at the top. I eyed them in alarm. Had someone maimed it? How cruel.

“Ztahp!” The creature’s strange, bright blue eyes were wide with alarm. “Gittovmee!” “What language is that?” “It’s a language?” I asked doubtfully. “It’s just… loud yappy noises. I think you’re hurting it, Lyri.”

“Pliz,” he blurted when he saw me looking at him. “Juzpliz lehmigoh. Pliz, pliz, pliz—” “He’s chanting something.” Lyri sounded wary. “What is it? A curse? Is he cursing us? Stop it!” He poked the creature’s bare side again, making him jump with a scream.

If I got myself killed, I was fairly sure that Lyri would find a way to bring me back to life just to murder me himself for my stupidity.

I should’ve been used to my dad by now, but a childish part of me still wished he would ask, just once, if I was okay after what had happened to me.

I didn’t hate my dad—I didn’t think I had it in me to hate anyone—but I didn’t like him. He was a bad father and a cold person. That didn’t stop me wishing he loved me though.

A lot of people in my world don’t like it, b-but—” “Don’t like what?” I asked, thoroughly confused. “Don’t like it when two men or women are… together. Romantically.” He looked at me uncertainly. “Do you… have that here?” “Of course we do.” I didn’t understand. “Why do people in your world not like it? That seems like a ridiculous thing to care about.”

I didn’t understand what could be considered unnatural about two people wanting each other romantically, but that wasn’t what was consuming my mind in that moment.

“Yes, well, you would,” Lyri muttered. “You’re lominas with him.” “He’s… he’s what?” I asked. “Don’t repeat—” “Smitten, otherworlder,” Lyri spoke loudly over Lor. “He is smitten with you. Because you are showing him your strange human sexual ways. And bringing him odd gifts,” he added, gesturing at the melted ice cream all over our legs and the floor.

“It is called a handshake, Lyri.” Lor sounded a little smug to know this already. “Grasp his hand and move it up and down.” “Why the fuck would I do that?” “Because it is polite,” Lor snapped.

“Fuck anyone who makes you feel like shit for who you are, man,” Anton said with surprising vehemence. “You gotta live your life how you’re meant to live it. That’s all any of us can hope to achieve, right?”

“Lots of things have been the same way in Thinir for a long time, Lor,” Lyri interrupted impatiently. “That doesn’t mean they’re right.”

It looks like… like it’s been built around nature. Not that nature has been removed to make room for it, which is what humans generally do.”

Then I left the apartment and got into my car, not wanting to be here anymore. There was no point being here. Lor wasn’t here.

When he kissed me again and asked what we would do for the day, his eyes were overly bright—almost manic. His voice was too loud and enthusiastic, like he was pushing down all the fear and despair and grief to ignore it, to not acknowledge it any longer, to pretend what was happening wasn’t really happening. And I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know what to do at all.

“You are everything to me. I won’t survive it, not as I am now. I won’t.” Releasing his hand, I splayed my trembling fingers over his chest. “My heart is in here now. Not with me. I will be empty without you.”

The next morning, he didn’t wake up.

“Jugs was proud of you.” His voice was harder, firmer. “He told me. He was so proud of you, and he asked me to make sure you didn’t stop trying after he was—g-gone.”

I was going to make Jugs proud of me, even if he wasn’t here to see it.

One year and three months.

However, everyone knew that I had someone. Because a year after Jugs had gone into his deep sleep, I asked Lilimar to pierce my lip. To show the world that there was one person—a single person out there—who was mine, who I would never speak ill of, who would be the only one to ever feel the touch of my mouth.

Five years.

And I wondered what I would do. How long I would wait. How long I would cling to that last scrap of weak hope, to the painful belief that one day, Jugs would wake up, and he would be well, and we could spend our lives together. How long could I stay like this—a husk, just waiting, not truly living? How long could I stand to only half feel, like my emotions were being smothered by thick, heavy blankets? I didn’t let myself feel happiness. I didn’t let myself feel pride or contentment or satisfaction over the work I was doing. I didn’t think I was even capable of it anymore. Some mornings I could barely bring myself to get out of bed. My face felt stiff from the blank mask it was permanently arranged into.

Eight years.

I hadn’t let myself feel anything for eight years, not truly, and for some reason, that day broke me. It wasn’t even a particularly significant day. It was just the day that broke me.

I couldn’t truly grieve, because he wasn’t dead. But I couldn’t let myself hope, because there was still no cure. I was stuck. Waiting. Waiting.

Ten years.

Lyri, who knew everything, who was always calm and confident and assured in the face of any kind of danger, quietly said, “I don’t know.”

Lyri never came back.

I didn’t understand what Lyri and I had done to deserve all of this suffering. Losing our father at such a young age. Losing our mother. Losing Jugs. And now losing each other.

I didn’t even know what I was doing. If I allowed myself to feel anything, to think at all, I would crack.

“Lor, please.” Seis’ voice was hoarse, vulnerable in a way I hadn’t heard before. “It’s me. Of anyone still here, it is me you can talk to.” Of anyone still here. Because everyone else was gone. Jugs. Lyri. Gryf. My mother. My chin wobbled. I couldn’t bring myself to look at him. “I can’t.” “Why not?” he croaked. “Because it feels like I will die if I let myself feel anything.” I let out a slow, shuddering breath and smoothed back my hair with a trembling hand, trying to stand up straighter. “So I can’t.”

Thirty years.

“H-how do you know it will work?” Lilimar cleared her throat awkwardly. “Seis made me poison him several weeks ago. So that we could be sure.”

“You’ve w-waited for me this whole time?” I whispered. I could see the grief, the misery—the loneliness—still tightening his features, making him look brittle and even more fragile than normal. His long, elegant fingers were thinner and bonier than before. Even his hair looked flatter and messier, like he’d stopped bothering with it. Like he’d stopped bothering with much of anything. “I would wait my whole life for you,” he said quietly, trying to steady his voice even as tears continued to stream freely down his cheeks. He pressed his lips to my hand again. “I would wait forever for you, Jugs.”

That was what humans generally did. Start wars.

Humans feared the unknown, and they destroyed what they didn’t understand.

“He said, ‘No, I’m not fucking interested in meeting the Moric. If I see him or any of his guards anywhere near Danny, I’ll rip their spines out. You think I give a shit about that vint just because his skin is blue?’”