From the Jump

by Lacie Waldon

“Alone and lonely aren’t necessarily the same thing, though, are they?”

“You don’t ever feel like you’re on a treadmill?” He waves his hand lazily, like it’s something we’ve talked about, even though it’s definitely not. “Staring at the same wall as you keep clocking your progress, even though you know you’re just going to keep running and running?”

“Excitement doesn’t factor into the equation,” I explain. “Attraction fades. You’re supposed to choose your dates according to your long-term relationship goals.”

“I mean, you can’t live your entire life doing what you’re supposed to do.”

For as long as I can remember, I’ve been doing everything I’m supposed to do. And look where it’s gotten me. I’m stretched thin, literally.

People can’t take advantage of your weaknesses if you don’t expose them.

Everyone knows calories don’t count when you’re eating them for a friend. It’ll be like breakup ice cream but without the tears.”

“I was enjoying having you all to myself.” He looks over, and the orange from the sky reflects off his lenses. “It seemed like a good way to make it last longer.”

As my mother always told me, if you look like a mess, people will assume they can mess with you.

You walk around in this body, but that changes according to what you eat, or your level of physical activity, or the years that pass. And inside, especially, there’s nothing constant. Every moment, you’re making a different decision. If you decide to start hitting strangers in the face, you’re a person who hits strangers in the face. It doesn’t matter if you spent the last ten years of your life behaving like a saint. Nobody you hit in the face is going to thank you for the good you did yesterday. To them, you’re just the asshole who clocked them with a right hook.”

I’m talking about the fact that friendships aren’t declared. They just happen. But a relationship is decided upon. Two people agree that they want each other for a finite period of time. At any point, they’re allowed to change their mind.”

I meant it was typical that you say you like me, when just the other day I told you I love you.”

“I’ve always wanted you. But it was more important to keep you as a friend. I was scared of losing you.”

“I love you, Liv. I’ve loved you for a third of my life, and I’ll continue to love you for the rest of it. And I can do that as a friend if that’s what you need. But if you want more, you have to know that I’m not going anywhere.”

Love rarely follows the rules.