On Repentance and Repair: Making Amends in an Unapologetic World

by Danya Ruttenberg

To put it bluntly, American society isn’t very good at doing the work of repentance or repair.

it becomes easy to focus on “what I meant,” and to assume that meaning well is enough to be let off the hook, even if one’s actions unwittingly harm others.

American culture emphasizes letting go of grudges and redemption narratives instead of the specific obligations of a perpetrator of harm and the recompense that is due to one who has been harmed or even traumatized.

Fixing damage involves taking specific steps; there’s a process.

“People should see the good that can happen when you aren’t afraid to accept responsibility for your mistakes.

If a person apologizes sincerely and even offers restitution for the harm they’ve caused, but then, not long after that, commits the same kind of harm again, they have not repented—not really.

The work of repentance, all the way through, is the work of transformation.

Owning the harm we have caused involves risk.

Doubling down and getting defensive makes it much more likely that you’ll just keep doing the thing. If you can’t face and work to repair your mistakes, you certainly won’t learn from them.

once harm is released to the public in a way that can’t be contained or recalled, it necessarily carries a different kind of weight.

Addressing the problem in the moment can be an act of care for those hurt by it and a prevention of harm with regard to other potential perpetrators.

We as a society are not obligated to reward harmdoers with more opportunities to gain wealth, prestige, power, celebrity.

It is impossible to keep repeating the same sins if you yourself are different.

Repentance does not unbreak what has been broken so much as interrupt the cycle of repeated harms