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I would probably regret taking all those shots tomorrow morning, but that was for future Alina to worry about.
I wasn’t one to be openly affectionate, either physically or with my words, so she was really getting the best version of me.
And the thought that marriage equaled babies was ridiculous for multiple reasons. One being that not everyone wanted children and shouldn’t be pressured to have them, and two, people can fuck and have kids without marriage. Complete shocker, I know.
I knew I was a handful, but as my grandmother once told me, “Never dim your shine for someone who thinks they’re going to be burned by your greatness. The right person for you will put on sunglasses and bask in your glow.”
“Roses are red, violets are blue, here comes Alina, and she’s going to kill you,”
It felt like no matter my intentions, I just kept fucking up.
I wanted to be held and reassured that everything would be okay.
“Do you seriously think I’d ever be caught dead wearing that shit? It strips all individual identity from students, limiting them from self-expression and puts them into neat little boxes of conformity!”
It was like with each tear was a release of my grief, and that I had mourned, giving up who I was and the life I always thought I’d have. The tether to that version of me was fraying thinner as I detached myself from who I was.
If he wanted to fuck with me, I’d make sure I fucked him back ten times harder. While probably not a healthy mindset, it was what I needed right now.
“I know I don’t call the shots around here, but I do know that you have a job to do, and I can either make that really fucking hard for you, or we can find a way to make this easier. The choice is up to you, Professor.”
He was my professor. He was a vampire. He was a grade-a asshole. But then he set me on my feet just outside of the doors and gripped my chin tightly. “Be a good girl, okay?” All the reasons I couldn’t cross that line with him went out the window with those five words. Fuck, why did being called a good girl do it for me?
The click of her heels only added to the confident energy I felt from her. What was it about the sound of heels echoing in a room that conveyed dominance? It was the ultimate power move.
I wondered if this was supposed to be a real therapy session. If so, she was going to be severely underwhelmed with my emotional capacity.
It was more that I had been in a fight or flight, life changing moment, and I’d chosen to fight.
You either let your grief and anger destroy you, or you employed them to destroy others.
It wasn’t like I was given a handbook to read or anything, but professors choking their students and pressing their erections into them seemed like a pretty clear line that shouldn't be crossed.
It was always the guys with daddy issues that needed the biggest slap of reality. I’d enjoy providing that for him.
I looked forward to seeing his face when he realized he couldn’t change me.
Was he…respecting my boundaries? I appreciated that more than I could even put into words right now.
When you had a motivator as big as mine, nothing was unattainable. I’d climb the ranks and claim what was mine at the end: revenge.
I mean, seriously…they were from Hell. How cool was that?
I was often misunderstood, with my hard exterior and soft inside, but I’m hard headed, not hard hearted. I’m a pain in the ass, stubborn as hell, and will challenge anyone, but I’ll also love the shit out of you in the same breath because I always care way more than I show.
Fool me once, shame on me. Fool me twice? Never gonna fucking happen.
Who needed therapy when you could dissociate and evaluate yourself?
While I wasn’t a fan of women being spoken down to, and was an advocate for women supporting women, sometimes there were some that just didn’t want that love and support.
“I want you out of the academy so that you won’t get hurt.”
He’d left me.
He didn’t get to just pick and choose when to be open with me. If he wanted to walk away from me when I needed him most, I’d never give him the chance again.
I also knew a woman as powerful as her didn’t need anyone at her side, and that fucking scared me. Because while I pictured her at my side, reigning over the world as my queen, I knew she was capable of being one without a king.
There was no rage to keep me afloat and fighting.
He’d felt like home. For a split second, it felt like I wasn’t me acting alone against the rest of the damn world.
There was no path to happiness for anyone who couldn’t process their trauma and heal.
and of course my fucking hormones were turning into whore-moans,
“Don’t try that again, Spitfire.” Fates, I wanted to try it again. So badly.
“I’m not asking for forever,” she answered in a breathy voice I hardly recognized. “I’m asking you to make me forget about the rest of the world while it’s just you and me in these four walls.” We’d have to work on that whole not asking for forever thing. It kind of came with the territory of being mates, but now wasn’t the time to push her.
The truth was, though, that in a power dynamic like ours, she wasn’t truly submitting to me. She was allowing me to have the power, entrusting me to take care of her needs and ensure her safety through it, all while maintaining a solid hold on her own agency. We were equals, no matter what it seemed like from the outside.
“I’d fight away all of your fears and the demons from your past if you asked me to, but I know you don’t need me to do that for you. So, I’ll be here, however you’ll have me.”
After all, a girl had to keep it classy, not trashy, but just a little bit nasty.
All of it was for naught. My mom. My dad. My grandma. My entire family. Skye.
“Why are you distraught over this revelation, Alina? It’s a wondrous moment that so few ever get to experience. In all my centuries of life, I’ve searched relentlessly for the Queen for my board, and I’ve finally found you.”
“I began to feel again the moment my eyes settled on you. I hardly remembered what it was like to be alive before…” he trailed off as his eyes flickered above my head for the briefest of moments, seemingly lost in the memories he’d acquired through the years he’d walked this earth alone. “But when I’m with you, I feel the echo of a heartbeat within me, fluttering like you’ve kick-started it. You’ve ensnared me, Alina.”
“Because I’m Alina Van Helsing, and I swore vengeance for the slaughter of my family.” My chest burned with the words, throat aching with the sobs tearing from it. I heaved shaky, deep breaths, hands shaking as I asked, desperation fueling the frenzied question, “Why can’t I kill you?” “Fated mates can never kill each other, Alina,” he breathed out. And with those words, my soul died.
