Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

by Melody Beattie

Activity Examine the characteristics listed on the next two pages, and decide if you are in a dependent (addicted) or healthy (love) relationship. Characteristics Love (Open System) Addiction (Closed System) Room to grow, expand—desire for other to grow Dependent, based on security and comfort—use intensity of need and infatuation as proof of love (may really be fear, insecurity, loneliness) Separate interests—other friends—maintain other meaningful relationships Total involvement—limited social life—neglect old friends, interests Encouragement of each other’s expanding—secure in own worth Preoccupation with other’s behavior—dependent on other’s approval for own identity and self-worth Trust—openness Jealousy, possessiveness, fears competition, “protects supply” Mutual integrity preserved One partner’s needs suspended for the other’s—self-deprivation Willingness to risk and be real Search for perfect invulnerability—eliminates possible risks Room for exploration of feelings in and out of relationship Reassurance through repeated, ritualized activity Ability to enjoy being alone Intolerance—unable to endure separations (even in conflict)—hang on even tighter. Undergo withdrawal—loss of appetite, restless, lethargic, disoriented agony Accept breakup without feeling a loss of own adequacy and self-worth Feel inadequate, worthless—often one-sided decision Wants best for partner, though apart—can become friends Violent ending—often hate other—try to inflict pain—manipulation to...