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But when I took a closer look I found that my fears were mostly unfounded. They were also grossly exaggerated. I, like you (or someone you love who struggles in this way), possessed a brain wired to be on high-alert for any sign of disconnection or abandonment, real or imagined.
it’s not actually you that is the problem; I’m sure that you’re amazing and lovable. The problem is in your thoughts about yourself and your behavior.
Our attachment styles can also come from traumatic bonding experiences we have as teens or adults (abandonment, abuse, bereavement, divorce, infidelity, etc.) These events can shape how you show up in intimate relationships, as well!
“Your brain is changed every time you interact with others.”
We are the ultimate dreamers. Think Romeo.
We have a tendency to stress out the secure folks in our lives who don’t use these unhealthy methods of communicating but must deal with ours.
Anxious attachers often function perfectly fine in non-romantic relationships. They can be confident, assertive, exercise healthy boundaries, etc. We also tend to be very loving and sensitive; friends and family might describe us as “givers” who are always looking out for others. So why is it that romantic relationships are so much more difficult for us? What makes romantic relationships different? Enter “the anxious-avoidant trap.”
Unfortunately, many times the spark we’re referring to comes from “the chase.” And FYI: it’s not a healthy thing to seek.
therein lies the key to why you cannot tear yourself away. Their disinterest in you affirms your belief that you, as you are now, are not enough. It also gives you the chance to try to prove your worthiness to them. This may be a pattern that appears over and over again in your relationships.
Both the anxious and avoidant attacher believe that love is scarce and must be earned. Without effort and strife, the love and attention directed toward us doesn’t feel justified, real, or safe.
Our body and brain thinks that separation from our beloved is a matter of life or death.
For a baby or child, separation from our mother was quite literally a matter of life or death.
When this feeling is transferred to a romantic attachment figure as an adult, it’s no wonder that separation or disconnection can feel like life or death. As far as your body is concerned, the threat level feels the same!
Activating strategies are thoughts or feelings that motivate us to reconnect, or allow us to feel physically or emotionally close to the object of our affection.
When your connection feels threatened, your brain compels you to reestablish contact for reassurance or affection. When we are activated and feeling this compulsion, it can feel like losing control. We can feel powerless to stop ourselves from sending that desperate text or making that call at 1:30am. When activating strategies get us feeling sufficiently fired up, it is at this point that the anxious attacher resorts to what psychologists call protest behavior.
If you’re chasing love and trying to convince someone that you’re worth their affection, your self-esteem is not alright...at all.
I say this because at the root of every insecurely attached individual is a deep-seated insecurity about their inherent lovability. Even if you consciously think, “I am worthy of being loved,” your actions and behaviors might not support this thought.
The secret of self-esteem and confidence is this: the only thing that really matters is how you feel about yourself regarding your current fitness/wit/financial stability/beauty. And if you don’t feel good about it, you’re going to act in ways that reflect this. These actions will shape the way that people treat you, further reinforcing your negative thoughts about yourself.
Making time to work on your body also conveys a high level of self-worth and self-respect
If we show others that we care about ourselves and our bodies, it communicates to them how they should treat us too.
When your body begins to feel different, disturbed, or otherwise changed from a calm, neutral state, take note. Try to put a label on the sensations that arise. If you’re able, sit with the feeling and try to really experience it; that can also help you identify it.
Upsetting stimuli (especially coming from the object of your affection) can set off an irresistible desire to get closer to them.
You Don’t Have to Be Perfect to Be Loved
Contrary to what your brain is telling you, you don’t have to be perfect to be loved. You are actually lovable right now, as is, without any improvement
at all. But without self-awareness, self-work, and efforts to curb our problematic and toxic relationship behaviors, we’re going to end up pushing away anyone who is trying to love us in spite of our flaws.
A belief that we are unlovable can also lead to people pleasing behavior. This is when we mold ourselves to be exactly what we think others want, strive to always be available, have trouble setting healthy boundaries, and are willing to do whatever it takes to make others happy or gain their approval. Unfortunately, living as this extra-helpful façade as opposed to being true to...
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Without doing the work toward loving and accepting yourself, you’re simply making it more difficult for people to love you.
Sometimes people really want to love you but your unaddressed baggage piles up like an obstacle course and they can’t get through.
“I want to be gentle with myself and my progress even when it’s hard and I feel like I’ve failed; maybe especially then. I want to see myself in the best light; the light that I view the ones I love in. I am working to make my life better and I am lovable, as I am right now, flaws and all.”
Ask your five closest friends to describe you in three positive words.
Not Nice by Dr. Aziz Gazipura
