The Anxious Hearts Guide: Rising Above Anxious Attachment

by Rikki Cloos

you’ve been missing diamonds all around you because as it turns out, you yourself are a little rough.

I, like you (or someone you love who struggles in this way), possessed a brain wired to be on high-alert for any sign of disconnection or abandonment, real or imagined.

"The root of suffering is attachment."

“Your brain is changed every time you interact with others.”

A potential partner who is willing to love you as you are doesn’t match up with how you feel about yourself. Why should they love me? I haven’t done anything to deserve their love.

So the person you have to chase, capture, and impress fuels your fire, and the one who accepts you as you are feels dull, unsatisfying, and too easy. What do you do with that?

Looking back toward attachment theory, it’s also interesting to note that when the relationship of an insecurely attached person feels threatened (by distance or disconnect or emotional upset), similar regions of the brain fire as when someone is in physical danger.

Anxious Hearts, you feel deeply. That’s a beautiful thing; don’t try to stop feeling or showing your emotions. Somewhere out there someone exists who appreciates a very deep capacity for love and affection.

Even if your partner is resistant, the work that you do on yourself can change the entire atmosphere of your relationship. This encourages growth for your partner by making them feel safe and secure.

“It’s not who you are that holds you back, it’s who you think you're not."

Let me be the first person to tell you: Your anxiety is lying to you.

Without doing the work toward loving and accepting yourself, you’re simply making it more difficult for people to love you.

The things that you don’t work on will push away even the strongest, best candidates who would like to love you.

“The way to get started is to quit talking and begin doing."

And being a good friend is not simply asking how someone’s day is or being super friendly whenever you see them at the gym. It’s also not in the random favor here or there. Being a good friend is about genuine caring and commitment—resolving to have your friend’s back when they’re truly struggling and having that same level of care returned to you.

We must save our energy for the people who light us up and make our lives feel easier, better, and brighter.

Learning to love your own company is a major step toward living your best life.

Have you taken the time to pinpoint exactly what it is that sets your heart ablaze and causes it to light up?

I feel happiest when I… It is very important to me that I… I feel the most loved when… I am really good at... I feel respected when… The thing I want most for myself is… The thing I want most in a relationship is… The thing I cannot live without in a relationship is...

I’m afraid I’ll be rejected if I… It feels like people push me away when I… I cannot stand the feeling I get when… I feel lonely when… If I were stronger, I wouldn’t allow… If I were honest, I would admit that I don’t like it when… I feel disrespected/unloved when… I feel rejected when...

“if anything were possible, and nothing was standing in the way (money, family, friends, work, obligations, etc.), how would I want this to look?”

Chasing what you really want, and investing your energy into moving toward those things, is the only way to get to your best life. Are you making time and energy deposits daily into a situation that looks different from what you hope for? If so, you’re actively creating a life that you don’t want. In order to build that best life, we need to put all of our energy into building something that matters to us.

To find our way out of relationships and situations we don’t want, we need to know what we do want.

When you find things about others that make you feel good, take note of it! When you find traits or behaviors that make you feel bad, pay attention there, too. It’s up to you and only you to decide what feels good and bad in your relationships, and to determine what you want. When you figure out what you want don’t take your eyes off of it.

There’s a lot of light that we miss in the world when we are laser-focused on obtaining love.

if your love life isn’t working, you should be.

What do I notice myself doing in relationships that causes me trouble? What seems to work well for other people that I can’t quite figure out? What patterns do I notice in my relationship history that I wish would stop repeating?

You don’t need to force yourself to be drastically different than you are right now. You simply need to learn new ways of engaging and focus on practicing them in small ways every day.

Decide what’s important to you and practice not letting people disregard that.

And if the idea of speaking up for yourself inspires terror, remember that every time you do, you are communicating to yourself and others that you are brave, full of self-respect, and that your needs matter.

Do they respond to my texts/calls in a manner and timeline that makes me feel valued? Do they react to my expressions of interest with equal interest or delight? Are they open and respectful about relationship needs and boundaries? Are they reliable and consistent? Do they make decisions with me (as opposed to for/in spite of me)? Do they compromise well? Do they seem comfortable with commitment after a reasonable amount of time? Do they introduce me to their inner world ​(friends/family/personal interests)? Do they express feelings of affection for me?

Talk to Your Partner, Not Everyone Else

We’re saving our trust and affection for someone who says, “I’m so glad you told me that.” Not, “I think you need too much.”

we have to let people be exactly who they are and allow them to run away from us if that’s what they want to do. And what is even tougher to accept is that we have to let them go without chasing after them or trying to convince them not to leave.

You will find so much freedom when you realize that the only way to relationship happiness is speaking up for yourself and your needs, and gracefully letting go of someone who isn’t on board with that.

It’s important that we can learn to withstand hearing “no,” respect their “no” without trying to change their mind, and then respect ourselves enough to ask “Is this going to be enough for me?”

In this more secure state, you will prefer being single over a relationship with someone who is not excited about you.

People only really change and grow because they want to and put the work in themselves, not because someone else tells them to.

build a life full of healthy relationships, and let romance be a bonus, not a requirement.

Comfort communicating Emotional availability (vulnerable, affectionate) Enjoys spending time with their significant other Enjoys giving and receiving affection Highly stable (less volatile emotions) Open, honest, and trusting Empathetic and caring

Our dynamic with someone who has those problematic traits (distance, emotional unavailability, etc.) may mirror unmet needs that we experienced as children. This pattern of relating then reminds us of the ways that we experienced love when life was new and our brains were still learning how the world worked.

The following traits would be red flags for anyone but are especially harmful for anxious attachers. Needs an excessive amount of space/alone time Uncomfortable with affection Critical Very private and/or uncomfortable discussing personal matters and emotions Projects unavailability (married/uninterested in a serious or exclusive relationship) Highly emotional/impulsive/moody

Anxious attachers are usually much more focused on looking for signs that we’re being hurt or abandoned than we are on appreciating the ways that we’re being loved.

“The first step towards getting somewhere is to decide you’re not going to stay where you are.”

“Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.”

If you’ve done your work here, I hope that you can stop wishing someone would love you before they’ve even given you a good reason to want their affection.

when the voice in your head stops berating you, you won’t be as comfortable with taking that tone from other people, either.

When you create the kind of life for yourself that helps you meet many of your own needs, you simply require less of your partner.