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“One day, some girl is gonna walk into your life and flip your whole world upside down and you’re not gonna know what the fuck to do with yourself except drop to your knees and beg her to never leave.”
“Enjoy the rest of your night,” she calls over her shoulder before she squeezes through the crowd, disappearing, and Jesus Christ, I’m actually gonna have to go home and do what she told me to: fuck myself. Well, fuck. I don’t like this.
“You told me to keep my distance, and I told you I’d already put it between us.” There was a moment, a very brief one with my hand in his, his piercing emerald eyes holding mine, that I might have … considered it. Maybe. To be determined. Blame the alcohol for mistakes nearly made.
And his electric gaze locks with mine. His stick lifts in slow motion, pointing. At me. Carter Beckett points his damn stick right at me. And he winks. He fucking winks. For you, his perfect lips mouth to me. Oh. No. The cameras pan my way, my vision bursting with flashing white lights as I slink so far down in my seat, fingers creeping up my face, burying it in my hands. But Carter’s not done. Oh no, of course not. He wouldn’t be Carter Beckett if he simply ended it there. He jumps onto the bench, gloves pressed to the glass, grinning down at me. “You like that, Olivia?” he hollers. “That was
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“But I … I …” She looks to Cara for help, and when offered none, blurts, “I don’t dance.” “Untrue. I watched you dance all night long last weekend. Trust me.” I rub my tired eyes, half burying my next words. “Couldn’t take my goddamn eyes off you.”
“Hey. I’m sorry, Olivia. I didn’t mean to embarrass you. Guess I was excited to see you again and wanted to let you know. Extreme gestures are kinda my thing, and, uh …” He slips his fingers below his toque, scratching his head. “I don’t have a fucking clue what I’m doing here.”
As we stand there in the silence of the kitchen, holding onto each other while the Christmas music drifts all around us, I make her the only promise I know how to make. “If I find something like you and Dad had, the last thing I’ll do is let it get away from me.”
He holds his sleeve up to my stomach. “We match.” “Looks like we do.” I won’t tell him I slipped on this dress tonight because the color reminded me of his eyes.
“Out of curiosity, what line were you going to feed me if Garrett hadn’t accidentally outed you for having a Palace of Love, where you take all your special friends?” “They’re not my special friends. They’re not even my friends. You’re my friend. And you’re special.”
“Did I hit the nail on the head or am I way off about what’s going on here between us?” Wide eyes move between mine, searching. “You don’t like me, Carter.” “I think I do, yeah.” She laughs, an exhausted, frustrated sound. “You can’t even say the words.” I swallow the tightness in my throat that feels a little bit like fear and try again. “I like you, Olivia.”
“How do you know you like me?” “Besides the fact that my chest got tight whenever Garrett was touching you?” “You were jealous?” “I’ve never really been jealous before so I can’t say for sure, but I briefly thought about decapitating my right-winger, so, yeah, I think I was.”
“What in the world are you talking about?” I gesture between us. “This. Me and you.” I drive a hand through the air like an arrow. “Forward.” “Is there a me and you, Carter? A forward?” “I … I think so.”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to sound rude. I’m just not sure you understand, Carter. We’re worlds apart.” My gaze floats down her face, over her high cheekbones, the dainty freckles that paint her nose. She’s so beautiful, sometimes I think it hurts. “Are we?” I finally ask. “Aren’t we? We want different things.”
“Does that mean if I wanted to try to be in a relationship, you’d let me try it with you?” She chuckles, a bit anxious, a bit exasperated. “You realize you’re making it sound like tryouts, you know? A relationship is something two people try together, yes, but I’m not a test run to see if being in a relationship is something you actually desire. You need to decide what you want first before you go after the girl.” “What if the only thing I’m sure about wanting is you?”
I mean, sure, kind of a silly question, all things considered. I’m not what you’d call boyfriend material. But maybe … maybe I could be, for her.
“I want Olivia.” Plain and simple. “You want every girl.” “It’s not the same, Cara. Not with her.”
It’s never really been about wanting so much as it’s been about satisfying an urge, slapping a temporary bandage over a void. Because the truth is, though I promised my mom I wouldn’t let a love like my parents’ get away, there’s a big part of me that not only expected to never find it, but didn’t want to either. When you love someone so wholly, it makes you weak. You risk pieces of yourself that you can’t afford to lose.
Gentle nips trail my jaw until his lips find my ear. “If we do this, Olivia, there’s no going back.”
“Hey,” he whispers. “What’s wrong? You wanna stop, we’ll stop. I’ll snuggle the shit outta you and we can watch a movie. I’m cool with that.” “I’ve only had sex with two people,” I blurt out. “I only sleep with people I care about.” If he’s surprised, he doesn’t show it. Instead, he cups my cheek, kisses me softly, and says, “I’m sorry I can’t say the same. But I can tell you honestly if I only had sex with people I cared about, I’d be losing my virginity tonight at the age of twenty-seven.”
“I’ve never felt this way about anyone before. Never, Ollie. I just want you to consider … consider giving me a shot. Consider me. That’s all I want, Ol. A chance with you.” A gentle kiss sweeps across my knuckles. “We can talk more about it in the morning.” He lifts me off him, pulling me against his chest as he settles us beneath the blankets, stuffing his face in the crook of my neck as he murmurs, “Banana bread.”
Carter covers my hand, and a startling warmth crawls up my chest to that vital organ I’m meant to keep safe. “Can I keep you?” he asks. “Yes.” My heart skitters to a stop at the simple answer spoken without thought, and only when Carter tilts my chin and captures my mouth a kiss does it restart. It’s in this moment that I realize how earth-shatteringly fucked I am.
“Fucking look at me if you’re gonna lie to me, Olivia.” Her eyes snap to mine, and I don’t like what I see. They’re red rimmed, her bottom lip wobbly. What the hell is going on? This is so damn simple. There’s no reason to cry, because I’m right fucking here, wanting her, like I have from the moment I saw her. I may not have any experience with relationships, but I know well enough that this shit I’m feeling isn’t one sided.
“No, you don’t. You’re refusing to communicate. Here I am wanting to talk about what the hell is going on between us, and there you are, trying to run away.” “There’s nothing—” “Don’t you fucking say there’s nothing going on between us!” I’m shouting again and I hate it. I get worked up easily and I’m really on edge right now. I thrive on control, and right now, all I’m doing is losing all semblance of it. This girl owns me—for some fucking reason—and I refuse to let her make the wrong decision for both of us.
Sometimes, like today, you hurt the person you care about in the process too. The thing is, I’m allowed to be scared. But Carter stood there, begging me to stay, to communicate, to give him a damn chance. And instead of sitting with my fear, talking through it, I gave it wings, tied myself to it, and watched it take flight with me attached. I let it control me, and I hate that.
So I read the note for the seventh time. Olivia, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. I know this year will be the best one yet, because I met you. Carter
I’m not entirely proud of myself as I scoop her phone up, ready to pluck Olivia’s number from it. Maybe luck is finally on my side, because the screen is already opened to their message thread. Cara Ur date rope you into breakfast tomorrow or what? Olivia Duh. Is it even a real date if it doesn’t end with breakfast? Blood drums in my ears, the words in front of me sending a raw ache through my chest as awareness settles over me. She’s moved on, on from whatever the hell this was, or whatever it wasn’t. Because it wasn’t ever anything, was it? Nothing more than undeniable chemistry and physical
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Alannah tugs on my hand. “Why are you smiling so big, Auntie Ollie?” I fix the Vipers toque on my niece’s head, covering her ears. “I’m just happy, honey.” She grins up at me. “Happy looks good on you.” Feels damn good too.
I twirl at the soft voice, and my heart tries to escape out my throat when I spot the brunette who’s been occupying every bit of space in my head. She licks her lips and takes a tentative step forward, hands wringing at her stomach, and when she opens her mouth to say something, I beat her to it. “You came.” A beam like sunshine explodes across Olivia’s face, and I swear she’s radiating from the inside out. “Hi, Carter.”
“Could we try to figure it out now? Or is it too late?” “It’s never too late, Ollie. But maybe … maybe we should take it slow. Or try to, at least. You know, proper dates and stuff, where you can learn to trust me.” “I would like that, Carter.”
Carter pulls away, fighting to breathe as his gaze rakes over me. Something blooms there, something vulnerable and cautious. “I … I missed you while you were gone.” With my hand on his cheek, I promise, “I missed you while I was gone too.”
I stand over the kitchen counter after he leaves, lifting the lid on the blue box. Inside is a cupcake, and the tiny flag that sticks out of the frosting tells me it’s maple pecan, topped with maple buttercream frosting and bacon crumble. The note scrawled under the lid sends my heart into overdrive. I got you the most bacon-y one. xo Carter
“I want to date you, Ollie. I want to take you for dinner and go see Disney movies and dedicate my goals to you without feeling bad about it. I want us to give this a real shot.” “That’s a big change for you.” “One I’m ready to make if it’s me and you.”
“I’m all in, as long as it’s you I’m all in with.” My lips meet hers with a gentle, sweeping kiss, brushing her hair behind her ear when we part. “Are you still scared?” “Yes.” “What are you most afraid of?” “Falling,” she answers quietly and without hesitation. “I’ll catch you.” “Promise?” Bringing her to me, I sear her with a kiss that feels every bit like a future I never knew I wanted. “Promise.”
“It’ll get old quick, I promise. I can see it now.” He swipes a hand through the air in an arc. “‘Carter Beckett, seen for the tenth night in a row with hot-as-hell high school teacher.’” He squeezes my hands. “Trust me, princess, it’ll get boring fast.” My nose scrunches. “I’m not a princess.” He pulls into traffic, winking at me. “You’re my princess.”
I look between us, the way we’re so nearly connected, my throat suddenly thick, chest tight. “I haven’t been with anyone but you, Ollie. It’s just you for me. Nobody else.” Her hand settles on my cheek. “There’s nobody but you, Carter.”
Either way, I’m thankful for his warning, because the second we sit, a girl throws herself in my lap. I’m not sure my reaction is the best. I throw my hands in the air and scream, accidentally shoving her off my lap and to the ground when I rocket to my feet and yell out, “I have a girlfriend!”
“Carter?” she calls suddenly, the words thick with sleep. Her eyes are still closed, and I think she might be dreaming. “Yeah, princess?” “What if I fall in love with you?” “Then I’ll fall with you, too, Ollie girl.”
Carter chuckles, twisting us back and forth. “I’m gonna snuggle the shit outta you tonight and I run hot, so you won’t need all these clothes anyway.” “You’re staying over?” His expression says duh but his mouth says, “All I wanna do is fuck you into tomorrow and fall asleep with my girlfriend in my arms.” Oh look, there’s my heart, beating in his hands. Judging by the pink tint painting his cheekbones and the way he’s pulled his lower lip into his mouth to gnaw on it, I’d say this exceptionally large and confident man standing before me is currently feeling shy. “Girlfriend?” He nods,
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“I think you wanna be my pumpkin.” “I wanna be your anything.” His hand glides up my belly and closes over my throat, angling my face toward his, his movements never slowing. “How about my everything?”
“I’m so lucky to be the man who gets to keep you by his side, Ollie.” Burying his face in my neck, Carter makes a soft, happy noise. “Goodnight, pumpkin. Like you.” “Like you, too, Carter.”
When I get home from work, it smells different. Cozy, somehow, or maybe it’s just knowing Carter was here. Either way, I smile to myself as I take off my coat and head to the kitchen. The bright display on my counter has my stomach somersaulting. Pink, orange, and yellow tulips fill a glass vase, but it’s the note that makes me happiest. Pretty and bright, just like you. Can’t wait to wake up with you this weekend. Like you lots, Carter
“Never thought I’d see the day where Carter Beckett fought over a girl. Was it worth it?” “She’ll always be worth it.” “Whatever it takes to keep your girl safe?” “Whatever it takes.” A promise I intend to keep.
He captures my chin, dipping his face to mine. “I’d throw you over my shoulder if I had to, but I wouldn’t need to, because the second you saw me, you’d fling your arms around me and cry. And you know what I’d do, Olivia?” His nose touches mine, trailing the length of it. “I’d hold you. I’d kiss you. I’d tell you it was okay, that I forgive you for the words you said when you were hurting and scared. Then I’d ask you to forgive me for acting without thinking, for bringing you back here and contributing to a narrative that only feeds your fears.” With a low sigh, Carter sinks back against the
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“Hey.” Hooking a finger under her chin, I force her gaze to mine. “Your tears are not a weakness, so stop trying to hide them. Don’t be sorry for showing me how you feel. Being vulnerable with each other is how we learn to be the best versions of ourselves as partners. When you show me the type of love you need, I learn how to give it to you.” Her watery gaze flickers at the four-letter word that leaves my mouth without warning, and my chest tightens like a squeezing fist. It’s part confusion, part familiarity, four letters that came out of nowhere but settle around me with an ease I never
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“What are you scared of?” “I’m scared this is it, that you’re it for me. And while that thought is scary enough, nothing is scarier than the thought that I might not get to keep you, that you might one day walk away and I’ll have to let you because all I want is for you to be happy.” Her warm palm cups my jaw. “You make me happy, Carter.” “That’s good, ’cause I’m kinda obsessed with you.”
“I can’t change my past, but if you give me the chance, I can change my future. But I need all of you, Ollie. Not half of you.” I watch the scrape of my thumb along her lower lip. “I know I flip your world upside down. You fucking demolish mine. Please, let me in. Let me see you. Let me have you. All of you.” “I don’t want to hide anymore,” she whispers. “I’m tired.”
“If you want obsession, fierce appreciation, wild, unrestrained passion … If you want fucking magic, Ollie, then it’s me. Let it be me.” The soft brush of our lips sends a thrill down my spine. “Let’s be scared together.”
Is this what it feels like? Wanting to share all your pieces, the good ones and the not-so-good ones? Wanting to take her hand in yours and hold tight as you take each step forward? Steps into the unknown, the dark and the light, where we tackle fears together and come out stronger each time. I trace the soft lines of Olivia’s face beneath the fragments of moonlight that stream across her, and I know. I brush my knuckles across her cheekbone, and when her lashes don’t flutter, I whisper the words against her skin. “I think I love you, Ollie.”
“My mom always told me that these things don’t come easily, that you have to work for the love and the life you want. The hard parts are challenging, but we get through them, and everything else with you feels natural, and I … I want to work with you. I want to build a life we love.”
With those words replaying in my mind, I don’t make it long enough to hear him sing his song, and I’m not sure what time it is when I feel him lay me down on the cushions, his body molding around mine. The heat of his palm warms my belly when it slips beneath my shirt, and soft lips find my ear. “You’re my favorite everything, Ollie.”
