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Get something to eat with me, please. It doesn’t have to be anything crazy. We can get fucking street meat for all I care. It’s loud in here and I like talking to you.”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be insensitive. It’s just—” “It’s all I’ve given you. You don’t have to apologize.”
“That’s what I thought at first too. But now I’m not so sure. Who knows; maybe I’d be good for you.”
“It’s hard, you know,” he starts softly, slipping his hand into mine while I guide him to Dublin’s lead. “Living without your soul mate. Holidays without them. New years and birthdays. Heck, listenin’ to the evening news without them is hard. It’s all hard, Carter.”
If Olivia goes out with you, kisses you, etcetera, it’s because she has feelings for you and wants to explore them. You do all those things for fun with people who mean nothing to you. And that’s fine; if that’s what you want to do, you go ahead. I’m just saying that as long as you’re on two totally different pages, if you plan on doing the same thing you’ve been doing all this time, chances are she’s going to end up getting hurt.”
“Besides the fact that my chest got tight whenever Garrett was touching you?” “You were jealous?” “I’ve never really been jealous before so I can’t say for sure, but I briefly thought about decapitating my right-winger, so, yeah, I think I was.”
“Look, I don’t know how to talk about this kind of stuff, which is hard for me, because I don’t filter my words before they leave my mouth, but if you give me a minute, I’ll get there.”
You need to decide what you want first before you go after the girl.” “What if the only thing I’m sure about wanting is you?”
“Sometimes wanting something isn’t enough.”
I don’t see how I’ll ever get enough of this, of her, of us. She’s a drug, and I’m addicted off my very first hit.
I’m not what you’d call boyfriend material. But maybe … maybe I could be, for her.
What’s your plan?” “I want to …” I scratch my head. I want to see her again. I want to take her to that Disney movie. I want to kiss her some more, maybe snuggle on my couch while we watch TV in front of the fireplace and I play with her hair, ’cause it’s soft and it smells nice. “I want Olivia.” Plain and simple.
I find myself wondering if everything is always going to be until Olivia, if this is that point in my life where everything changes. The thought is as thrilling as it is confusing and frightening.
“Listen. Are you telling me never, Ollie, or are you open to the possibility of a future if I prove you can trust me?”
I don’t think this has ever happened before!” It hasn’t. I do a lot of shit with Olivia I’ve never had a desire to do with anyone else.
“What’s wrong? You wanna stop, we’ll stop. I’ll snuggle the shit outta you and we can watch a movie. I’m cool with that.”
“I’ve never felt this way about anyone before. Never, Ollie. I just want you to consider … consider giving me a shot. Consider me. That’s all I want, Ol. A chance with you.”
“I don’t think we knew what we were doing.” Bullshit. “Fucking look at me if you’re gonna lie to me, Olivia.”
but I have no qualms admitting I’m way too insecure to pretend how many gorgeous women you’ve been with doesn’t fucking terrify me, that I wouldn’t be constantly waiting for you to get bored of me.”
“We’re not right for each other.” “How do you know that? Everything has felt right since I met you. It hasn’t been easy, but it’s felt right.”
Fear is a funny, fickle thing. It’s there to protect you, to keep you from getting hurt, tells you to back up before it’s too late. But it weighs you down, keeping you from moving forward, like feet stuck in mud. And more often than not? You get hurt anyway.
Find the Carter Beckett we all know and love.” But what if I don’t love that version of me? What if I don’t want to be that Carter Beckett anymore?
It’s not only the girl that needs to give you a chance; it’s yourself. So, tell me … you gonna win her back?” I grin at him, squeezing his hand. “Do I ever lose?” “Not typically, no, as much as I hate to admit it.
In a relationship, the only person ever in control is the woman. She always—always, always, always—has the power. She owns you and those dangly things between your legs.”
“I’m scared,” she admits. “Scared that your feelings are temporary.”
“That day was the seventh anniversary of Ireland’s death. Hank was sitting there at midnight drinking a glass of chocolate milk because he’d had a dream during his afternoon nap and claimed that his dead wife said somebody might need his help. He’d been sitting there since six in the evening, waiting. Said he knew it was me he was waiting for the second I sank down on the bar stool next to him.”
Doing nothing isn’t enough. You have to actively do anything but nothing.”
“I think I love your smile more than anything in this world.”
I need him to help me through this, but I don’t know how to ask.
If you’re scared, tell me you’re scared, but don’t spew your accusations like they’re the truth just because you’re too afraid to come right out and admit it.”
“You-you … he missed the—” He doesn’t look at me. “You’re coming home with me.” “But we—” “We fought.”
“That doesn’t change anything.”
“First of all, it would be the last thing I’d want to do and the last thing you’d want too; let’s be honest. I’d leave beyond angry with myself and you’d pretend you were done with me, that it was for the best. Then you’d get inside, put on your pajamas, have five minutes to cool down, and realize you’re angry with yourself too. You’d cry over our fight, like you’re doing now, because you’d feel bad that you hurt me with your words. And me?” He gestures at himself as he looks me over, watching my tears continue to fall. “I’d get home, be pissed at myself for letting you walk away, leaving you
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“You wanna fight, get your self-doubt out, that’s fine. But you’re gonna do it with me, at my house, together.” His searing stare swings my way. “I refuse to let you push me away again.”
Don’t be sorry for showing me how you feel. Being vulnerable with each other is how we learn to be the best versions of ourselves as partners. When you show me the type of love you need, I learn how to give it to you.”
“I’m scared this is it, that you’re it for me. And while that thought is scary enough, nothing is scarier than the thought that I might not get to keep you, that you might one day walk away and I’ll have to let you because all I want is for you to be happy.”
“I love you, Olivia. Thank you for loving me back.”
“One kiss, Olivia. One kiss and I was done. My world obliterated the second my lips touched yours.”
“I know you think your tears are a weakness, Ollie, but they show me how huge your heart is.”
And my birthday, it was my day, my time. I didn’t want to spend it pretending, not even for one minute.”
The best part, for me, is that I’m still not pretending. I get to be myself, and there’s no one else I want to do this with, today and every day.”
“You’re perfectly flawed, and I’m going to love you through all your faults, because you love me through mine.”
“Can we stay here a few more minutes? I like when it’s just me and you.”
When I get off the plane, you’re the first person I want to see. And when I’m home … I want you to be home too. I want us to be home together.”
“I don’t want you to watch my dog while I go away. I want to get a dog with you
I love you, Ollie, and what I want more than anything is to make a home with you.
“Mhmm. But there are so many reasons you’re a good partner, Carter. You’re fierce and loyal. You’re patient and kind and the most passionate person I know. You never give up, and you’re so proud of me all the time, and it helps me be proud of myself. I’m a more confident person than I was six months ago because of the love you show me.”
Things always feel easier with you.” Her smile is soft and warm, like her. “Hard things are always easier when we’re together.”
My forever is a person. It’s wide chocolate eyes that peer up at mine, and dark, silky curls that slip through my fingers. It’s a small hand in mine that warms my entire body, a smile that gets my heart thudding a little bit harder, a little bit faster. It’s the ears that hear all my dreams and the arms that hold me up when I’m tired, when I forget how to stand. It’s the lips on my jaw, my cheek, my hand, the ones that whisper my favorite I love you, that promise me a lifetime against my skin.
“I’m so scared, Olivia.” “I don’t want you to be scared alone. That’s not how we do things in this relationship.”
