Big Chicas Don't Cry

by Annette Chavez Macias

Mari was a mentirosa and a major drama queen. She threatened to run away as often as I called my younger brother a pinche cabrón behind my parents’ backs.

“No llores. Big girls no cry,”

How could I know at that moment that the lemon tree and the promise we’d just made would only survive a few more summers?

“Beauty means sacrifice. I keep telling you guys that. I like looking my best, no matter who’s going to see me.”

Karina vibes

All of us turned to look at the beige-and-brown single-story house behind the white wrought-iron gate.

Like grandmas house

I loved my family, but I loved them even more in small doses.

People often asked me if I felt strange teaching in the same classroom where I had once been a first grader too. If anything, I felt more comfortable there than I did anywhere else.

welcome this new teacher with open arms.

Shes gonna fall for him

“Really? Does that mean they don’t ever go back to visit their country?” he asked. “This is their country,” I said very slowly and carefully.

Tf

I thought of my welita and how she had once told us how a woman in the grocery store had laughed at her broken English.

Welita had said that if she’d cried in front of her, then the woman would have known the power she’d had over her. She’d always told us that people who hurt us don’t deserve our tears.

Not because I wasn’t proud of my Mexican heritage. Sometimes I was just too tired to defend it. Even in the first grade, I learned it was much easier if you didn’t talk with an accent and didn’t bring egg burritos to school for lunch.

I suffered a whole new identity crisis. I was constantly scolded by strangers who would look at my brown skin and not understand why my Spanish was limited. It didn’t matter to them that we spoke English at home because my dad was trying to learn the language. Instead, they told me in English, “Your parents should be ashamed of themselves.”

As a kid, I was ashamed about not being white enough. But as an adult, I was ashamed for not being Mexican enough.

“Ay, Marisol. When will you learn that living with something you don’t love is not living at all?”

“Gracie. Now I remember. Wow—I almost didn’t recognize you. You, you look better, er, I mean different.”

Oh hell no

Do I want to stay at the News-Press?

Dear God, I know he’s just a little boy, but give me the patience I need to deal with little Arnold Carter.

Real AF

He’d shaved.

HAHA

“And you promised me a baby.”

Bruh

“Did I do something to piss you off?” he asked.

LMAOOOO

“Oh, and Gracie? See you tomorrow.”

Cornballllll

But when I went back inside in search of my friends, Adrian was right behind me.

lolll

Although I’d been annoyed earlier that Adrian had latched on to me, he was turning out to be not such a bad guy. “For what it’s worth, you’re way cooler than I’ve given you credit for.” “Thanks. And, for what it’s worth, you deserve more than a guy who breaks up with you right before Christmas.” And to my surprise, it turned out that it was worth quite a lot.

Ugh i luv them

I got an email back that they were on a hiring freeze because of the budget.

Real

marketing, communications, and public relations.

Omg i want a degree in this

Tonight we were headed to a bar in Riverside

WHERE ???

“I also like to spend time with my family,” I added. “I have a pretty big one, so it seems as if there’s something to do every weekend. They keep me pretty busy actually.”

“That’s okay. I liked hearing your stories. In fact, I would be perfectly happy just sitting here all night listening to you talk.”

Oh.

Every once in a while our knees touched or his arm found its way across the seat behind me.

Shes just like me

“I knew it.

HAHAHAHAHAHA

A gift is a gift, and you should always be grateful for anything someone gives you out of love. The day you tell someone what to give you is the day you no longer get gifts out of love, but rather obligation. Well, for me, I’d rather have the love.”

All I can tell you is that because of her role in the situation, Kat has been terminated, effective immediately.”

YAASSSSD

“Gracie! Call an ambulance! I think Welita is having a heart attack!”

Omggggg

As I got closer, I knew again that I was in the right place. Not because of some sign, but because of the chatter.

Holy shit. I was falling in love with Adrian Mendes.

HAHAHAHA YESSSSSSS

“What? We both know this thing between us is changing. And if you move to New York, there’s no reason why we couldn’t be together like a real, actual couple.”

Omg HE BROUGHT IT UP

holding on to only the bad things that happened to us leaves us too tired to enjoy the good.”

“Because I have the perfect excuse to spend time with you, Gracie. You’re not a basket case at all. And you know it. In fact, you’re one of the sweetest and most caring people I’ve ever known. You’re beautiful on the inside and out.”

Sobbing.

He moved his face closer to mine. “You are, and it’s been killing me not to kiss you every single time we see each other.”

SHUT UP

Like being able to see Adrian almost every day.

Dear God, thank you again for making Tony Bautista my boyfriend.

Um ???

“Gracie, I think we need to talk.”

Im so scared

“You’re wonderful, Gracie. And I’ve loved spending time with you these past few months.” He then took my hands and squeezed them. “Shit. I’m sorry. Please don’t think I only wanted to get laid. I do care about you, but I can’t offer you what you need right now when my life is so . . . up in the air. You’re the type of girl who deserves a real boyfriend. Someone who can promise you forever. And that’s not me. At least, not right now.”

Bruh

But as I drove home later, I didn’t even want to talk to him about this.

My poor girl

It was another heart attack. Welita died in the hospital with my abuela and my tía Andrea from Chicago at her side.

OH MY GOD NOOOOO

I guess that was the good thing about all of us living so close. When something bad happened, we could be there in a matter of minutes.

My family included some of the nosiest, most frustrating, most meddling people around. But I loved every single one of them.

“I think I’m pregnant.”

GRACIEEE

“It’s just me and Celina, actually. But, thank you.”

Oh? Is this her new tony