Dear Yesterday

by Lindsey Ray Redd

Sometimes she hated that about herself—she pushed off decisions until the last minute. It always cost her in the end.

Christmas was her favorite time of year, even if it made her a little sad.

One day you’re holding grudges, and the next day you won’t ever get the chance to let go of them because the person is gone.

Time is a thief, and you don’t know that you’ve been robbed until it’s too late.”

When she opened the door to the apartment, the lights were off, and the silence was so loud it was ringing in her ears.

She didn’t write in it every day—only when it hurt. When the heaviness became too much, and she needed to pour it out and let it go. That’s when she’d pick the journal up and write.

The entire house changed after Grandpa Fred’s passing. The house was quieter. It felt deflated—like all the fun had been sucked out with a vacuum, and all that remained was a flattened, weakened version of what it was before. That was what grief did.

At least Meggie had a mother that wanted to be a part of her life. And her kids’ lives. Even if it made Meggie’s parenting a little harder. At least she had a mother that cared enough to make sure she knew how loved she was. One that hugged her, kissed her on the head, and said I love you daily. At least Meggie knew what that felt like.

While she didn’t see herself having a family like Meggie’s, she thought by now she’d be happier than she was.

Helen never missed a Sunday, except for three consecutive Sundays after Grandpa Fred passed away. It was like she was having a standoff with God. Protesting him taking Grandpa Fred too soon.

Grandpa Fred always used to say that God would find you where you were. You didn’t have to go to church to be with him. He was in everything. The trees. The rays of the sun. The wind.

After years without something, it only takes a moment of feeling it again to make you want it more than anything else in the world.

He deserved more than she could ever give him. She had already let him down once.

“Life is intrinsically complex. Nothing is ever really just black or white, it’s a multitude of gray. And we shade in the picture of our life for ourselves. We get to decide which areas are darker than others.”

How did she screw up every single chance she got?

At least she was twenty-nine. At least she was an adult. Even though she didn’t feel like one.

She had to figure out what she was going to do. About the baby. About her life. All of it.

How could a person feel so much like home?

“You can’t go back and change yesterday, but you can learn from it.”

You’ll never know what kind of mother you’d be until you become one. And let me tell you a secret…none of us get it right. There’s no such thing. There’s only doing the best that you can do.”

You can’t hide from the things that try to break you down and wear you out. You’ll find more strength in facing things head on than you ever will by running away from them.”

Church is not a museum for saints. It’s a hospital for the broken.

You’ve always been so blinded and bitter about what you never had that you couldn’t see the value in what you did have.”

“Giving up is the easy part. You know what’s harder? Working it out. Nothing worth having ever just falls into place. It takes work and commitment. It takes an honest effort every single day on both your parts. Because real love is worth the work. Once that honeymoon phase you feel at the beginning of a relationship passes, that’s when you know. That’s where you’ll find out the nitty-gritty part of it.”

We’re all bad. We’re all good. We’re shaped by what happens to us and how we choose to see those things.”

Funny how it takes feeling like you’re about to lose someone to understand exactly how much they mean to you.

Luella wasn’t sure which was worse. Knowing it was coming, or being blindsided by it, unable to say goodbye. They were each their own kind of hell.

She was cremated, per her wishes. She said she didn’t want anyone staring at her dead body and crying when they had plenty of time to see her face while she was still alive.

Life is a complicated, beautiful mess. In the end, all that really matters is that you leave this life having lived it well. You do the things that scare you, because that’s how you find yourself. You can’t go back and change yesterday, but you can learn from it. You love the ones that you get, the life you get, and it’s how you live that life that matters.