M Is for Mama: A Rebellion Against Mediocre Motherhood

by Abbie Halberstadt

Honoring the hard is important. But we can’t stay there. Focusing on the struggle only leads to bitterness and a feeling of having been cheated.

In taking up his mantle of humility and gentleness, we lay down the right to cling to our overwhelm and the desire to have our struggles affirmed by our peers. And once we’ve pried our fingers off of those entitled feelings and fixed our eyes on Jesus, we find that his burden is, indeed, light and freeing.

Could it be that using the excuse of my wonky hormones to indulge my impatience had actually made my symptoms worse?

If we simply memorize verses with our children but never put them into practice because we trust that the rote retention of Scripture will be enough to produce obedience and kindness, we will be sorely disappointed when we realize that our ten-year-old can spout the fruits of the Spirit chapter and verse but doesn’t have enough self-control to keep from saying every typically preteen thing that pops into her head.

we also miss the mark if we train our children to speak politely for the sake of “being nice.”

I truly believe that my greatest and holiest purpose as a mother is to point my children to Jesus—to train them in his ways. But I cannot claim any credit for any success in keeping them in his ways. That is God’s doing.

if we make “letting it slide” the rule rather than the exception, we communicate something worrisome to our children, something that undoes a great deal of any other consistency or discipline that we have worked so hard to establish: the idea that we do not really mean what we say. And when we do not follow through on our promises (whether those of discipline or reward), we inadvertently communicate to our children that their heavenly Father won’t honor his either.

Following Jesus is its own reward. But sometimes our kids need something tangible to remind them of this fact.

the truth is that it’s completely normal not to love a phase you’re in when it’s incredibly hard. I don’t think that “rejoicing always” (Philippians 4:4) is the same as “enjoying always.”

As much as the fact that not one phase lasts forever is balm for parents buckling under the weight of poopy diapers, sassy attitudes, and endless snack procuring, it’s also a sobering reminder of just how little time we really have to teach our children and to delight in discovering who God made them to be.

Often, the biggest hang-up in addressing problematic behavior in our children is not the behavior itself—at least not on their part. It’s our lack of follow-through.

We must develop a habit of entreating the Lord to show us which areas would be worthy of addressing in a concentrated way and which ones are more of a “slow and steady” situation. He never fails to give wisdom when we ask, whether that’s how we should proceed or whom we should contact for help.

the difference between mediocre motherhood and biblical motherhood is that one accepts—even laughs at—the inevitable with snarky memes, and the other creates strategies for learning how to overcome it peacefully in Christ’s strength.

A righteous, Scripture-informed effort, even if imperfectly executed, will always produce more peace than an apathetic, self-focused one.

if your goal is a peaceful home from the beginning, then it’s imperative to nip bickering in the bud before it has the chance to become a well-worn family dynamic.

When fighting is not an option in our homes, our children discover other ways to communicate their differences.

while I don’t expect my children to always agree on what movie to watch or which dessert to bake or whose turn it is to do the dishes, I do expect them to be able to hash it out in a civil manner with the understanding that since they don’t like being verbally or physically attacked, they will not inflict that same treatment on their siblings.

Mediocrity is stagnant. But excellence requires us to keep growing and evolving in Christlikeness, even if it doesn’t look just like what our neighbors do.

the most unloving thing we can do for our children is to introduce them to destructive influences and then allow them to follow that path to its logical conclusion.

Sometimes we adopt the mindset that reading is wholesome for its own sake when it very much matters what we are reading.

We can’t protect them from everything. But their vulnerability should never result from our laxness or—God forbid—intentional neglect.

as their knowledge expands, we are able to use our discernment about when to peel back more layers of protective ignorance until, when they are ready, they have a full biblical understanding of sex.

But just because we are capable of doing many things at once does not mean that we don’t get overwhelmed, feel inadequate, or sometimes allow a few of our spinning plates to fly across the room and smash into the wall.

the truth is that insisting on doing everything yourself often produces lower quality results than being willing to acknowledge your limits and outsource when possible.

To some extent, all our answers to “Do you have help?” should be yes—in an ideal world. Because hopefully we have the support of our Christian family at least.

I need to remember this when I am tempted to clutch my problems tightly to my chest so no one can see and offer a helping hand. In doing so, I am robbing them of an opportunity to give and receive the blessing of help.

Biblically excellent motherhood acknowledges that while allowing my children to play and be little is important, shirking my responsibility to teach them skills and attitudes that will serve them and others well as they grow is wrong.

There is no shame in receiving help. And there is great joy in extending it. It wasn’t good for Adam to do his work alone. And it’s not good for us either. So the next time someone offers to help, respond with a resounding, “Yes! Thank you!” And then offer to help the next person you see in need. You will be amazed at the difference it makes in your life and theirs.

The motto “If it feels good, do it” has been around for ages. But lately, “If it feels bad, don’t do it” might be leading the charge as the subconscious catchphrase of the day. This is a sobering consideration when so much of motherhood consists of doing things because they are right, even when they “feel bad” (pushing babies out of our bodies, getting up at night to feed them, making nutritious food when we’re tired, giving the hug when we’re “touched out,” to name a few). The payoff is well worth the pain, but how will we ever find that out for ourselves if we’re so busy avoiding emotional and physical discomfort that we never try? The culture of mediocre motherhood says, “All feelings are valid.” This means if we wake up in a funk, we’re not required to “adult.” (The fact that this particular word has become a verb says a lot about our society.) Our children will only get whatever we have left to give at any moment of the day, and that’s okay. But it’s really not.

Our kids deserve to know that even when Mama is struggling, even when she feels tired or overwhelmed, she will make an effort for their sake.

the Bible makes it clear we are to cling to Jesus in our devastation. And it is difficult to do that when we are being given constant permission to despair and complain by our peers and those we “follow” in the social media world.

we, as Christian mamas, forsake whatever tugs our hearts toward the mediocrity of loving ease and comfort over the excellence of taking up our crosses to follow Jesus. Some friendships, books, and accounts—even those that claim to be Christian—may not survive this testing.

We don’t have to be enslaved to our culture’s assumption that “surviving” our kids means a daily diet of wine and Starbucks or that Netflix and Target runs are the only coping mechanisms available to the modern mom.

Regardless of our circumstances, we can choose biblically excellent motherhood with Christ by our side and—Lord willing—other godly women in stride with us.

We cannot preach the Truth that tames our unruly emotions if we do not memorize it. And we cannot encourage each other to look for God’s goodness if we have not first meditated on it in his Word.