M Is for Mama: A Rebellion Against Mediocre Motherhood

by Abbie Halberstadt

Just because something is relatable doesn’t mean it’s not mediocre.

Because it’s not our bad days or our hormones or our understandably tired responses that are the real hang-ups here. The true culprit? Our inability to be anything other than mediocre without Christ.

Biblical motherhood encourages us to look outside ourselves—at our children, our homes, our husbands, our friends, and our communities at large—and find ways to overcome mediocrity and uplift each other in the spirit of a mutual (and yet gloriously varied) pursuit of righteousness.

hard is not the same thing as bad.

anything resembling peace that we do achieve while tuning out the gentle nudging of God’s Spirit will be a false sense of comfort

“Lord, show me what you have for me and then equip me to do it by your power, even if it’s nothing like I imagined it would be.”

Of the messages being trumpeted the loudest in our culture (and not just in the arena of motherhood), there are few more insistent than that of the alluring siren of self-care. She’s a marketing genius. And she has saturated practically every form of media from advertising to radio. I can’t walk into a coffee shop, turn on the TV, open a magazine, stand in line at the grocery store, or scroll through more than three social media posts without being inundated with suggestions like these: “You deserve a break.” “Girl, you need…” “Treat yo’ self.” “Whatever makes you happy.” “Prioritize me time.” “It’s never wrong if it makes you feel good.” “Self-care is soul care.” There are various problems (from a biblical perspective) with each of these statements. But that last one really trips me up. And not because I completely disagree with it either. Self-care can be soul care. But it matters very much how we define self-care. And I can tell you right now that almost none of the ways that the above sources categorize self-care will line up with Scripture, which makes it a no-go for me

We serve a God who granted newborn babies the most delicious-smelling heads and dreamed up the idea of juicy, sun-warmed strawberries. We serve a God who rejoices over us with singing (Zephaniah 3:17) and thought that the world was incomplete without the contributions of musical geniuses like Handel, Mozart, and Beethoven. We do not serve a curmudgeonly or stingy God but a lavish and loving God, one who delights to give us good gifts, starting with his very presence.

Similarly, Martin Luther said, “I have so much to do that I shall spend the first three hours in prayer.”

In Mark 7, Jesus tries to enter a house without anyone knowing about it. Word gets out, though, and soon a Gentile woman is pleading with him to heal her daughter. Does Jesus hold tightly to his right to alone time? Nope. He heals the woman’s little girl. The rest of that Matthew 14 passage from above reveals that even amid his grief over his cousin’s death, “when Jesus landed and saw a large crowd, he had compassion on them and healed their sick.” I don’t know about you, but I would have probably marched the other way, citing burnout and an urgent need for “me time.”

An indignant reader once interpreted my statement that we do not “deserve” a pedicure as shaming anyone who wanted one—something I wouldn’t do, since I myself enjoy pedicures. Her reaction only underscores how touchy we can get when our entitlement is threatened.

What father among you, if his son asks for a fish, will give him a snake instead? Or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? So if you who are evil know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask Him! (Luke 11:11-13 BSB).

Lie: “You’re always late.” Truth: “I have been late several times recently because my three-year-old is especially challenging right now, and it’s more important to take the time to lovingly address his tantrums than to simply yank him out the door so we can be on time. I’ll plan ahead better next week.” Lie: “You will never stop losing your temper.” Truth: “I am struggling with patience right now, but I can repent of that and be forgiven. I am no longer a slave to sin (Romans 6).” Lie: “She’s killing it, and you’re barely getting by. You will never measure up.” Truth: “She needs God’s grace just as much as I do, and even when I am not ‘wise by human standards,’ God chooses the ‘weak things of the world to shame the strong’ (1 Corinthians 1:27). There is hope for me yet.” I could go on, but my point is that we believe even the most outlandish untruths when we are not grounded in God’s Word. There is no better cure for deceit than the medicine of Scripture.

kind of like that coffee-tinged hot chocolate I mentioned earlier. I know many of you will think it nothing short of sacrilege to compare your favorite drink to sin, but when we truly abhor something enough to recognize it for what it is right away, we won’t be able to tolerate it, even in small amounts. May we be so in tune with God’s standards of holiness that we truly “hate what is evil” and “cling to what is good” (Romans 12:9).

The culture of mediocre motherhood will tell us that mom guilt is (take your pick) society’s, men’s, or our mom’s tool to control us and that we should ignore it because we are perfect just the way we are. The Bible tells us that “there is no one righteous, not even one” (Romans 3:11),

Our sparkling floors and pristine French braids mean very little if our hearts are full of irritation at not having our best efforts noticed.

When I see “mediocre motherhood” memes about surviving kids by day drinking or by hiding in the closet eating a pack of Oreos while your offspring run wild, I can’t help but wonder if this is the same way this person approaches her “real” job. And I ask myself, “What if I showed up late for work all the time? Dressed inappropriately for the position? Paid lax attention when my coworkers are speaking? Responded rudely when addressed? Complained constantly? Indulged in frequent sarcasm? Belittled my boss?” The answer: I sure wouldn’t be getting pegged for employee of the month. And rightfully so. I’m not giving my profession its due as unto the Lord—or even as unto some basic standards of human decency.

In fact, Isaiah 40:11 says, “He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those that have young.” I love this image of our heavenly Father caring for our babies so tenderly, but it’s that last line that pulls me up short.

Hormones Don’t Excuse Sin

But I couldn’t in good conscience, as a Christian mother, keep shoving aside the conviction that hormones or no hormones, my reactions were sinful.

Even though my hormones were very real, and it would be easy to assume that nothing I was practicing should have had any effect on my body’s chemistry, as the month progressed, I was experiencing clearer thoughts, fewer episodes of “bees in my brain,” and less “hanger.” Could it be that using the excuse of my wonky hormones to indulge my impatience had actually made my symptoms worse?

MEDIOCRE MOTHERHOOD Resents the suggestion that hormones do not excuse a multitude of sins Focuses on grace to the exclusion of personal responsibility Feels shamed by admonishments to “do better” CHRISTLIKE MOTHERHOOD Knows that only Christ’s love covers a multitude of sins Refuses to use grace as an excuse not to grow Feels empowered by knowing that in Christ, we can choose gentle speech

my girls. This is huge and yet so basic that we often forget this step and simply throw everybody in the car willy-nilly to run errands. When we tumble out at the grocery store with no briefing or plan, we wonder why everyone seems intent on touching at least three surfaces of every item in the store. The answer? They weren’t reminded about protocol.

Whenever anyone asks me how in the world I am able to run errands with multiple children without feeling (too) frazzled, I tell them that a huge part of this is conveying my expectations to said children before we ever get out of our giant bus.

Thankfully, I have a husband who has a knack for evaluating a problematic scenario and then positing a “recipe” for a workable solution with the key ingredients being “simplicity and repetition.”

During an at-home date night, we sat down and typed out a list of behaviors that could earn pennies, a list of offenses that could lose them, and a list of rewards for which the pennies could be redeemed. We prayed over this new system and asked the Lord to bless it with success and us with the will to consistently apply it. And then we announced to Ezra, Simon, and Della (our only children old enough at the time to understand the concept) that they would be receiving pennies for things like kind speech, finishing a book, memorizing Bible verses, going the extra mile (in any scenario), learning a piece of music, or simply being especially eager to help. They would lose pennies for the opposite: snark, whininess, and dragging their feet when given a task. The kids responded to the idea with enthusiasm, especially when they saw that screen time, special treats, and “stay-up-late time” were all included on the “rewards” column.

The culture of mediocre motherhood teaches that “bribing your kids to leave you alone” is standard. How else can you get a moment’s peace? At the same time, I see many mothers concerned with not being able to give their kids what “they deserve” (things like name-brand shoes, the most coveted toys, and the most expensive education) from a material standpoint. Neither focus speaks to the heart of what the Bible teaches about what we deserve (“the wages of sin is death,” as Romans 6:23 points out so clearly). Both fail to highlight the importance of instilling and reinforcing godly character in our children, which is the only way to gain a peace that “surpasses all understanding” (Philippians 4:7 ESV). Not only that, but the emphasis on worldly goods only underscores that attitude of entitlement I mentioned earlier. We’re all capable of falling into that trap, but children are especially prone to it, and it’s our job as their mothers to lift their eyes from the world’s riches and direct their gaze upon Jesus and others.

don’t think that “rejoicing always” (Philippians 4:4) is the same as “enjoying always.” I find no evidence that Jesus thought taking up his literal cross was fun—or that we’re expected to think taking up our figurative crosses is a lark either. We can rejoice that God’s strength is made perfect in our weakness when our eight-month-old is going through a brutal sleep regression. It doesn’t mean that we have to do high kicks about the lack of sleep itself. In fact, I might check your temperature if you did.

My Instagram friend Jodi Mockabee has a phrase that I love: “Start as you mean to go on.” In other words, if your goal is a peaceful home from the beginning, then it’s imperative to nip bickering in the bud before it has the chance to become a well-worn family dynamic.

“By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another” (John 13:35 ESV) should start with our own family members. So when I am admonishing my kids to “be a blessing” to each other while the toddler is getting on everyone’s last nerve or the teenager is extra surly, I often ask them why we love others, to which they are known to respond with a begrudging “because he first loved us” (1 John 4:19). Begrudging not because they don’t believe it’s true, but because it is so true that there is zero wiggle room for excuse making or blame casting.

I once heard a pastor say something that stuck like a burr in my mind: “The most unloving thing we can do is watch someone walk down a path of destruction and do nothing to stand in their way.” It’s a radical concept in a culture that equates love with refraining from any judgment (or discernment) about the actions of others.

In light of this dire warning, another thing that we do not do is allow our children to have their own electronic millstones—er, phones—before driving age, and even then, they do not have easy access to search engines, image sharing, or social media. The pitfalls of early exposure to the addictive and reality-twisting world of Instagram, Facebook, Snapchat, and others have been well documented with links to a rise in young users’ levels of bullying, depression, suicide, likelihood to be preyed upon by pedophiles, and pornography exposure.

According to a Forbes article on tech addiction, “America’s obsession with smartphones has even been compared to the obesity epidemic. That’s because, just like drug or gambling addictions, smartphones provide an escape from reality.”

It’s our job as mamas to make our children’s realities more enticing than any online world into which they might be tempted to flee. Good books, cookie baking, game playing, hymn singing, one-on-one dates, dance parties, s’mores around the firepit, music lessons, leaf-pile jumping—the list goes on. Besides limiting their physical access to virtual reality, we must be willing to put in the effort to help our kids realize just how much better real life is. But most importantly,

I want to encourage every mama everywhere that neither your elementary-age child nor your tween—nor even, gasp, your teen—needs a smartphone with unfettered access to the internet. If protecting my children and promoting unity in my home is revolutionary, then hand me a tricorn hat and call me Paul Revere.

Our family has read the Bible using The One Year Bible multiple times through the years, and we never skip or water down the passages that reference the sexual aspects of certain story lines. I know this is a controversial choice, but I grew up with parents who also read the Bible to me as it was written. As a result, by the time I was ten years old, I was aware of many aspects of human sexuality simply because they had been mentioned in a daily Bible passage, and I had asked questions. I didn’t always get the full answer, and neither do our younger children.

“Purity culture,” with its emphasis on pledges and special rings, begins with its heart in the right place, I believe. But, as with any other prescriptive approach, it can easily veer into legalism and fearmongering. I’ve heard from many readers who were frightened into abstinence by dire warnings about God’s wrath, only to rebel later. Many others entered marriage with dismally low expectations after hearing about a “wife’s duty to her husband” from older women who acted like sex was a (disagreeable) box to be checked. Instead, we have the opportunity as mamas to show our children just how enjoyable and joyful giving affection to our husband (and only our husband) can be! When we emphasize God’s good plan for sex in marriage and how fulfilling it is to exercise self-control in the short term for a long-term relationship free of sexual baggage, comparison, and past hurt, we give our kids hope for a healthy and, yes, pure marriage.

The same people whose feathers are ruffled at the concept of “training” kids get just as bent out of shape about requiring them to help. Modern society has adopted a viewpoint foreign to past generations: the notion that childhood requires complete freedom from responsibility for the simple (if misguided) reason that small humans are incapable of shouldering any.

What had been an hour-long slog at the end of a full day became a half-hour session of communal cleaning. Not only did we accomplish more with more helping hands, but we had way more fun—blasting music, singing, and dancing as we worked. And in the process, we conveyed several things to our children: 1. If you contribute to the mess, you contribute to the cleanup.

There is no shame in receiving help. And there is great joy in extending it. It wasn’t good for Adam to do his work alone. And it’s not good for us either. So the next time someone offers to help, respond with a resounding, “Yes! Thank you!” And then offer to help the next person you see in need. You will be amazed at the difference it makes in your life and theirs.

Emotions Are Not Facts

Difficulties emerge when instead of acknowledging that some emotions are legitimate and warranted while others are fueled by hormones, lack of sleep, or a recent viewing of Steel Magnolias, we insist that our feelings are our “truth.” “I feel, therefore I am” is a tricky declaration at best. After all, if we feel angry, does that then define us? The same question applies to fear, jealousy, sadness, or even happiness. What happens when our feelings suddenly shift? And yet terrifyingly, in modern culture, I see feelings touted as the primary determinant of what we believe, how we choose our careers, the number of kids we have, how we school them, whether we stay faithful to our marriages, which gender we “identify as,” and on and on. The motto “If it feels good, do it” has been around for ages. But lately, “If it feels bad, don’t do it” might be leading the charge as the subconscious catchphrase of the day. This is a sobering consideration when so much of motherhood consists of doing things because they are right, even when they “feel bad” (pushing babies out of our bodies, getting up at night to feed them, making nutritious food when we’re tired, giving the hug when we’re “touched out,” to name a few). The payoff is well worth the pain, but how will we ever find that out for ourselves if we’re so busy avoiding emotional and physical discomfort that we never try?

An online friend once posted these words in reference to the seemingly endless days of mothering little ones, and her post perfectly summed up the struggle that many young moms have: “I realized I’d been reading the wrong books and envying the wrong Instagram accounts. My misery loved company, and I was seeking it more than I sought the Lord.” It would behoove all of us to adopt this self-aware attitude, but there will inevitably be those who cling to their “right to be wrecked” by motherhood and never arrive at a conviction to give thanks in all circumstances. The Bible has exciting news for anyone who has ears to hear it, though. Friends, if we are in Christ, we are a new creation! The old has gone, the new is here! (2 Corinthians 5:17). We don’t have to be enslaved to our culture’s assumption that “surviving” our kids means a daily diet of wine and Starbucks or that Netflix and Target runs are the only coping mechanisms available to the modern mom.

no other source of knowledge, understanding, or comfort will last longer, effect more practical change, or provide true hope like Scripture. Without it, we are truly sunk.

But we cannot partake of its benefits if we do not read it. We cannot preach the Truth that tames our unruly emotions if we do not memorize it. And we cannot encourage each other to look for God’s goodness if we have not first meditated on it in his Word.

This is a list of media our family enjoys and from which we have gleaned value. It’s hardly exhaustive, but we hope you’ll find it helpful! Television Shows American Ninja Warrior Anne of Green Gablesa Five Mile Creek The Great British Baking Showb Hornblowerc How It’s Made Little House on the Prairie MythBusters Junior Pride and Prejudiced Shaun the Sheep Tiny World Wild Krattse Winnie the Poohf Movies Babe Bolt A Bug’s Life Chicken Run The Chronicles of Narnia series The Emperor’s New Groove The Lord of the Rings seriesg My Fair Lady The Hobbith Paddington (1 and 2) The Princess Bride Singin’ in the Rain Swiss Family Robinson

I’m also an avid proponent of the inerrancy of Scripture and love to encourage women to test every trend of culture against the truth that is Jesus and his holy Word, the Bible.