Full Tilt (Full Tilt, #1)

by Emma Scott

I didn’t know it then—I couldn’t have—but in that moment, the rest of my life, or what was left of it, began.

I nodded like a mute idiot, not sure what would fall out of my mouth, a joke or the truth: making her laugh was like hitting a mini jackpot.

But I felt it too. I missed her. Every time I closed my fucking eyes, I missed her.

Dena came around to the driver side, wearing the maternal look that meant I had a lecture coming, usually prefaced with a quote from her favorite poet, Rumi. “That which is false troubles the heart, but truth brings joyous tranquility,” she said. “And what does that mean, love?” “It means you miss this girl. Don’t pretend you don’t. You’ll feel better for being true to your feelings.” She rested her hands on the open window. “I don’t like to talk about your schedule, you know that.” I nodded. ‘My schedule’ had become a euphemism for the time I had left. The ‘gallery opening’ was the finish line I needed to cross. “And I know you want to leave a beautiful piece of art in your wake. Your focus is solely on the destination, not the journey.” Dena placed her palm on my cheek. “Shouldn’t you also try to do the most important thing along the way?” I covered her hand with mine. “What’s that?” “Be happy.”

“Got any hot real estate tips?” Jonah said nothing for a moment, and when he spoke, his voice was thick and gruff. “I hear Las Vegas is nice this time of year.” My hand flew to my heart, and I needed a second before I could manage a whispery reply. “I was hoping you’d say that.” “I was hoping you’d ask.” “I’m still scared I’m going to fail you like Audrey did.”

“We do not remember days, we remember moments.” — Cesare Pavese

“I need you.” It was the truth, and sometimes truth refuses to be contained. It bursts out, usually when it’s least convenient, but also when it’s needed most.

“It’s so beautiful,” Kacey murmured, her gaze sweeping all around, and then up to the overcast sky. “If the clouds pass, we should see stars tonight.” I nodded. “If it’s clear enough, you can see the edge of the Milky Way.” “Really? That would be amazing.” I watched her gaze follow a hawk as it soared across the basin. Seeing the stars reflected in her eyes… that would be amazing. A chance of a lifetime.

Whenever the urge to kiss him came over me, I would kiss him. No more living life halfway. We had to go full tilt, just like the card players did. I would hit instead of stay. Always.

“Moments,” I murmured to myself as the Nevada heat beat down on me. “We have thousands of moments.”

“Can you? Two days. Flights are pretty cheap, and I still have some Rapid Confession money—” “You should save it. Don’t spend it on me.” “I want to spend it on us. But if you can’t spare the time from the hot shop I understand.” “I can.” I caressed his face. “Really?” “If it’s important to you, I can.” I let out a little cry of excitement and kissed him. “Let’s go next Monday and Tuesday. So we don’t take time from your parents. Of course, Theo will have a cow…” Jonah laughed. “He might, but how beautifully happy you look right now is more than worth it.”

The cold water on my face and the pull of the ocean were just as I’d remembered, and the nostalgia was so strong, I had to get my bearings for a minute. But there was Jonah. My here and now, and the moment felt as big as the ocean.

Jonah held me as I floated on my back, my head in the curve of his shoulder, and I had the fleeting wish that we could live here. Not in San Diego but in this day, these moments, over and over again, forever.

“This is what I want. You and me, in a place like this. Outside of time. Going for a walk along the beach, eating or swimming or making love when we feel like it.” I heard his breath catch and his next words were gruff. “This is living, Kace. This is exactly what I wanted but I didn’t know who to ask.” I felt tears sting my eyes, and I let out a breathy little laugh. “It was me.” “It was you.” He held my face in his hands, brushed his lips over mine. “Always and only you.”

“He came,” Theo said. “And he likes Jonah’s work. We saw it happen.” I nodded, fighting back tears. “We saw it,” he said. “You know what I mean?” I knew. Jonah met his idol. His hero praised the work. Theo and I witnessed it. It would forever be one of the most precious moments of our lives.

Jonah slept now, his eyes no longer covered by his arm. His closed lids were smooth, his breathing deep and even. Only the tiniest furrow in his brow, as if whatever unsettled him went with him into sleep. I went back to the living room and dug my cell phone out of my purse. I’d order a pizza. Vegetarian. That was better for him. Or maybe salads. Too much cheese on a pizza… I opened up my call screen and hit a name. A deep, gruff voice answered. “Teddy,” I whispered, tears flooding my eyes again. “It’s starting.”

My audience laughed softly through sniffles or coughs, and it was as if a horrible tension had been lifted. I didn’t want macho stoicism or restraint. I wanted their true selves and nothing more. I wanted their moments.

“I love you, Kacey.” “Jonah.” My eyes saw only him. My breath was for his lungs, my tears dampened his skin. My hands were made to run through his hair. I was born to feel him all over me forever. “Jonah…My Jonah…”