Full Tilt (Full Tilt, #1)

by Emma Scott

I didn’t know it then—I couldn’t have—but in that moment, the rest of my life, or what was left of it, began.

“Thanks for being a good guy, Jonah. There’s a shortage in the world.”

Dying, I learned, is a not a team sport. It’s a solitary endeavor. Everyone I loved was standing on dry land, while I was alone on a boat as it slowly pulled away from the shore, and there’s nothing anyone could do about it but watch it happen.

“Don’t let me vanish, Theo. Please. Help me…”

Her eyes grew soft, and she watched the water dance, but I could look nowhere but at her. The show was at my periphery, a backdrop to her.

My world had been fading to gray until she burst in like a bombshell of color and light, and dammit, I wanted it.

My next and last question stuck in my throat. Once asked and answered, my life would never be the same. “Are you sick?” “Yes, Kacey.”

I was crying. I was breathing and pulsing and living. And Jonah was dying.

It was the perfume bottle, finished and perfect. Elegant ribbons of violet and indigo swirled around its small, squat body. The neck opened in a flat circle and the stopper was a beautiful, clear marble. I held it up, letting the sun shine through the empty interior. Not empty, I thought. It holds Jonah’s breath.

I wasn’t ready to say goodbye.

“We do not remember days, we remember moments.” — Cesare Pavese

“That you can find beauty everywhere, even in the things that scare you the most.”

“You told her.” “Yeah? And?” “And she’s still here.”

“You look…” I trailed off, staring, because no words existed.

“Are you going to eat or stare at Kacey all night?” No point in denying it. I didn’t even try. “I’m going to stare at her all night.”

“Bring it,” Kacey laughed. And her smile was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen.

My first kiss. This is my first real kiss.

You’ve been a brilliant light in my drab, dark world.

Seeing the stars reflected in her eyes… that would be amazing. A chance of a lifetime.

“You are not a drop in the ocean. You are the entire ocean in a drop.” I looked at Kacey sitting beside me. She is not merely an ocean. She is an entire universe.

You. My thoughts are filled with you. Always.

We might not have months or years, but we have moments. Thousands upon thousands of them. Let’s take each moment, seize it and wring it dry. Okay?”

Little moments, day by day. This is what I have to give.

I would love you forever, Kacey, if I only had the chance.

“Lovers don’t finally meet somewhere. They are in each other all along,”

“You were in each other all along.”

My Jonah, I thought. He’s mine now, and I’m his.

We had to go full tilt, just like the card players did. I would hit instead of stay. Always.

“Moments,” I murmured to myself as the Nevada heat beat down on me. “We have thousands of moments.”

“Kacey.” He held my face in his hands, his dark eyes intent on me. “You make me feel alive.”

“Every time I see you, I think, This is it. She cannot possibly look more beautiful than she does right now. And then I see you the next time.”

“We saw it,” he said. “You know what I mean?” I knew. Jonah met his idol. His hero praised the work. Theo and I witnessed it. It would forever be one of the most precious moments of our lives.

“Congratulations,” I said, embracing him tight. “But I need a better word. A bigger word.”

“Teddy,” I whispered, tears flooding my eyes again. “It’s starting.”

“He was sick when you met him, but here you are. That’s an extraordinary thing, I think, to begin so close to the end.”

Your eyes light up when my son is near. Your voice changes when you say his name. And the smile you wear when you’re looking at him and think no one is watching… Those are gifts I’ll never be able to thank you for. To know my Jonah is loved. He’ll leave this world loved, won’t he?”

She looked so damn beautiful I could hardly breathe.

“I love you,” she said. I stared at her. “I love you,” she said. “I’m in love with you.”

“You don’t have to worry if I was happy. Or if I had regrets. I have none.” I looked to Kacey, my beautiful girl, and touched her tear-stained cheek. “No regrets.”

She is a universe…

“One last piece,” I said. “The most important piece of my life.”

He was a universe. My love for him was just as boundless.

Tears for love. For loss. For the weeks he had, and the years he didn’t. For the joy and laughter, the heartache and grief. For this lonely man and the lost woman he’d rescued. For us, and the rapidly approaching time in which there would be only me.

“I love you, Kacey.” “Jonah.” My eyes saw only him. My breath was for his lungs, my tears dampened his skin. My hands were made to run through his hair. I was born to feel him all over me forever. “Jonah…My Jonah…”

“My life started on this couch,” I whispered. “The moment I woke up that morning.” He nodded against my head. “Mine too, Kace. Mine too.”

I kissed Jonah Fletcher with all of my heart, and with every piece of my soul that would love him forever.

“My heart’s breaking,” I said. “And I’m so happy. You make me so happy. Your love’s made me strong. You’ve made me a better person…”

“Being loved by you, Jonah…it’s the greatest honor of my life.”

Kacey… No regret. Only love. Only you.

You are a universe, Kacey.