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I didn’t know it then—I couldn’t have—but in that moment, the rest of my life, or what was left of it, began.
Dying, I learned, is a not a team sport. It’s a solitary endeavor. Everyone I loved was standing on dry land, while I was alone on a boat as it slowly pulled away from the shore, and there’s nothing anyone could do about it but watch it happen.
I could still feel Kacey’s soft lips on my cheek, and I missed her. She was fifteen feet away, and hadn’t yet left Vegas with her band, but I missed her just the same.
“We do not remember days, we remember moments.” — Cesare Pavese
“That you can find beauty everywhere, even in the things that scare you the most.”
what actually scared me the most: being lost in the dark.
Lola’s wrong. Somehow, some way, his lights will stay on, and I’ll never be lost in the dark.
Tonight, I’m trying it Dena’s way. Be happy. Be normal. A part of the circle, not alone in the center.
“You are not a drop in the ocean. You are the entire ocean in a drop.”
I looked at Kacey sitting beside me. She is not merely an ocean. She is an entire universe.
“I should’ve stayed. I never should’ve left at all. And I promise you, Jonah, I’ll never leave you again. Never again.” “I’m going to leave you,” I said, my voice hardly more than a whisper. The words hung between us, the crux of all our pain and tears and hesitation. But Kacey smiled—smiled—with brave tears sliding down her cheeks. “Not yet. Not tonight. We might not have months or years, but we have moments. Thousands upon thousands of them. Let’s take each moment, seize it and wring it dry. Okay?” I gazed down at her. “Okay.” “This is a good moment,” she whispered. “One of the best…”
Little moments, day by day. This is what I have to give.
She took me inside her, and as my body was wracked with pleasure, I felt the most bittersweet of emotions, soaring and plummeting at the same time: joy, that I had this woman in my life, and a profound ache that I had met her too late. I would love you forever, Kacey, if I only had the chance.
We had to go full tilt, just like the card players did. I would hit instead of stay. Always.
“Moments,” I murmured to myself as the Nevada heat beat down on me. “We have thousands of moments.”
“You make me feel so good, Jonah,” I whispered. “Better than good. Like I can start all over again.” “Kacey.” He held my face in his hands, his dark eyes intent on me. “You make me feel alive.”
I had the fleeting wish that we could live here. Not in San Diego but in this day, these moments, over and over again, forever.
“A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.” —Mark Twain
“Because loving her is the best thing I’ve ever done.”
Instead, I kissed him like a lover—deep and long, and with everything I had. With every ounce of infinite love that dwelt in me. I kissed Jonah Fletcher with all of my heart, and with every piece of my soul that would love him forever.
That’s my legacy: I loved you and was loved by you.
