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Father’s officers shuffled around the map on the council room table, pointing out routes and offering suggestions, each one more certain than the last about the location of the missing airship. Half a dozen voices, all arguing over whose unsuitable excuse would be brought to the king. Adrian stood by the window with his back to them,
Is it Adrian’s POV? If so, then we shouldn’t be able to see what’s going on if Adrian can’t.
the waves of her auburn hair but touched her leaf-green eyes and was as soft as the lines of her face.
Amateur description for no reason. Show us that hair and those eyes with an action; don’t just tell us how they look.
by the time they reached the bottom of the steps and paced into the chamber before the closed temple doors.
Lots of talking head syndrome here. Where are they going? Why does it matter? What is the author’s intention with their traveling? Moving gives the illusion of a plot moving forward, but keen readers (like agents and publishers) can tell the story is going nowhere.
Again. More walking. Why? Where are you taking me?
stepped towards the pyre.
Thiago should’ve opened HERE. Cut all the walking and talking crap and get to the scene. Funeral pyre would’ve been a good opening image.
Myrra cannot have died for nothing.
When did she die?
She stood at the edge of the tree line, frowning back at the three Ronar clansmen in the clearing, but Iallo only itched at the back of the stubble that covered his head and looked away, while Embe was already starting the fire.
*Scratched — awkward sentence
losing herself to her curse.
Is she really cursed or is she just talking about her low-birth?
heart had become comfortably cold and dead to all feeling.
trying to suppress the emotions around her,
I thought her heart was dead and cold... at least you told us it was.
knew about her curse?
okay -- sounds like it's a real curse.
suppress incoming emotion,
We get it. She's stoic. Stop repeating it.
it felt like Zala herself was draining Nasha’s own emotions
Nasha spun enough to miss it, falling breathless to the ground.
Way too much telling and not enough showing during this fight scene. Don't just tell us about their movements. Use the five senses. Did Nasha taste blood in her mouth? Did she feel as if her lungs burst when she slammed to the floor? Did her vision become nothing but a veil of black when she was punched? SHOW. Don't tell.
sunk
sank, not sunk
swung
should be simple past -- not past participle...
Lynn pushed short dirty-blond hair out of her face and regarded him with sharp brown eyes but no words.
Poor way to describe a character. Who thinks about the color of their own eyes when they're glaring at people?
a towering man with enough fur to be mistaken for a bear;
Lol. This is actually funny.
sunk
Why is this author a finalist for an award when his grammar is so poor and unpolished? SANK, not sunk.
What had they seen?
Deez nuts!
but this was Myrra’s only chance.
Is he going to try to bring her back to life?
The thought of Father sent barbs up the back of his neck,
pale with death,
The head would actually be turning blue-ish black at this point.
Chatta’s rotting head
It wouldn't be pale if it's rotting. These are the nuanced mistakes that wouldn't make it through into a trad-published book nowadays.
All life that is wasted must be taken. That is the Ronar way,”
Wish it was that way IRL. Bye, Conservative scum!!
Lynn knotted her brow,
*Knitted, not knotted
her mind was full of broken ideas and discarded possibilities,
This is good!
Sentinel.”
Okay, so Sentinel's bring death. That probably should've been explained closer to the 10% mark than the 20.
Adrian’s eyes snapped away from the carving to meet the old man’s cool pools of green, framed by sleek silver hair.
poor description
shown the path to the First Tree to rid herself of her curse
Oh. So this is what she wants.
Adrian knew he’d struck deeper with his words than he would have with any sword.
Cuts heal, but you can’t take away words.
He itched at his beard once more.
Scratched, not itched.
The shard—a sliver of a griffin’s ruin-stone heart—was, after all, what she needed to establish the Bond.
Sentinel.
These have something to do with Griffins, then. I feel this should’ve been established earlier to combat the slow plot.
