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The wilderness is stupid and should be burned to the ground.
Four hours later, we watched from afar as the city mobilized to put out the massive forest fire we’d started.
Lexapro refill.
It tasted like a meal that was prepared sarcastically.
“We Are Always Here For You!” It was closed.
(two burned down; another was closed after a local news investigation detected horse DNA in their milkshakes).
“Oh, and look at that, you’ve already got the tools out.”
Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.
“You want the answer to those questions, go put on some business pants and get in the van.”
“No one has ever said that phrase in the history of language, and they’re not going to start.
“Language evolves, Dave.”
“Not like this it doesn’t. New slang doesn’t come from straight white dudes, and it definitely doesn’t come from you. If you say it again, I will grab the wheel and run this van into a utili...
This highlight has been truncated due to consecutive passage length restrictions.
A huge TV over a fireplace played what looked like a horror movie about a creepy pair of identical twins
who go around renovating houses.
Hell, I’m not even sure it’s safe for you to read about them.
John said, “We’ll take the toy and run some tests on it.” Note: I have no idea what “tests” he had in mind.
That’s one of the five weirdest things I’ve ever seen in this parking lot.
Granted, we had just made that rule a couple of months ago, after almost a decade of fucking around to increasingly disastrous results, but better late than never.
I hung up and sat on the bed to think about what needed to be done next, in terms of cleaning. I was asleep before I could even finish the thought.
Note: I will never include a detailed description of our lovemaking in these books, at Amy’s request. If you want to imagine it, just picture a walrus attacking a rose garden with a jackhammer.
“They’re what?”
Looking back, it’s almost grotesque how casual we were about it, but, hey, hindsight makes assholes out of everybody.
I forced the hunk of lava down my throat and said, “Don’t tell me what to do,” then took another bite.
Then John started calling it “Arby’s Sauce,” either because he misheard or because his mind is deteriorating at a frightening rate.
All wives have secrets. All wives learn how to navigate their husbands’ rage.”
Or a whole flock of murderous birds like in that old Hitchcock movie Chicken Run?”
“Like in The Matrix,” I said. “Thank you. We now know one hundred percent of what we need to know about your belief system. We will all live by Matrix rules from now on if that will end this conversation.
I said, “Look, we aaaalllll remember what was said an hour ago. But now that we’re all on the same page, why not leave me in here and let them go? Tongues can only be collected from nonhumans, so…”
“Regulate” by Warren G, featuring Nate Dogg.
“AAUGH!” he reported. “Get it off me!”
“Bring your phone closer! Warren is about to say the part about how he wishes he had wings so he could fly away!”
Benjamin screamed in a way that would ruin slasher films for you if you ever heard it. No actor can imitate it; it’s the sound of an adult human reduced to infancy, the universe suddenly such a terrifying and treacherous place that the only reaction is to utterly abandon dignity and howl at it with all your mind, body, and air. When you encounter that awful noise for real, actor screams seem like a halfhearted mockery in comparison.
“That’s great news.”
“I’m adding nudity when I tell the story as a punishment. I told everyone at work. It was the last thing poor Eunice heard before she died.”
John was walking around in his childhood home, apoplectic because tomorrow was picture day at his elementary school, even though he was an adult and he had no pants to wear and all his teeth had fallen out. He was hurrying around the house looking for his guitar so he could use it to glue his teeth back in. Then he found his guitar and put it into the toaster, because his guitar was waffles. The toaster was a human butt. How was he going to play a waffle guitar when he performed at the Super Bowl halftime show tomorrow at elementary school picture day?
Kari Wuhrer,
“To control time,” said the Time Captain, “I must harness sexual energy. Together, we must fuck a hole in the space-time continuum.”
I ducked into Sammy’s Smoke Shop, a tiny space with a few shelves of tobacco supplies in addition to liquor, energy drinks, ice cream, adult magazines, knives, a few guns, profane T-shirts, and about 85 percent of the legal ingredients and equipment you need to cook methamphetamine in your home (I noted that their sign was perfectly intact).
There’s nothing spooky or dramatic about them, so I suppose I could just skip this part, but you know what? Fuck it, I’m going to eat a giant pretzel, and you’re going to read about it.
I froze for a moment, blinking, then took a step back. I slowly looked down at the pretzel I was eating. Okay, it was still just a pretzel. I took another bite.
but I suppose when your adversary is the intellectual equivalent of a hot dog stand,
Like that bear in The Shining.”
Stopped to death.
“David. You are not a child, and you need to abandon the childish concept of being ‘in trouble’ because the grown-ups are criticizing you. I am trying to
address you as I would address a colleague, with appropriate frankness and urgency.
John said, “We kind of assumed we would die long before you.”
“Do you want the cake or not?” “Obviously I do.”
If you think about it, isn’t life itself one big Monkey Tunnel?
She took another bite of cake and said, “Why?”
