If This Book Exists, You're in the Wrong Universe (John Dies at the End, #4)

by Jason Pargin

1. Everybody Calm the Fuck Down Humans act like assholes when they’re scared. Anybody who’s trying to keep you scared all the time just wants to breed more assholes into the world. Don’t let them do it. Exactly 100 percent of religious apocalypse predictions have turned out to be hilariously wrong. The odds that the next one will be true seem pretty low. If you truly think you’ve somehow stumbled across a superior way to live, there is only one way to spread the word: Live that superior life and let others see how cool, happy, and successful you are. They’ll spend the rest of their lives trying to imitate it. If they choose not to, just calm the fuck down and let them. 2. You Don’t Have All the Answers (and That’s Okay) Every human believes in some kind of simplified Grand Theory of Everything that explains existence. The problem is that there are multiple competing theories. In fact, there are about seven billion of them, one for every human on earth. Admit that the odds are pretty slim that you alone have it exactly right. Uncertainty is scary. It is also impossible to eliminate uncertainty from the universe, so you need to learn to just cope with it instead of trying to pretend you know everything. If you embrace a Grand Theory of Everything that gives you permission to treat other people like shit, it’s likely that you started with the urge to treat people like shit and just worked backward to form your theory. Open your eyes, dude: They’re not heretics, they’re your n...