How to Keep House While Drowning

by K.C. Davis

Although it looks like a lot, there are actually only five things in any room: (1) trash, (2) dishes, (3) laundry, (4) things that have a place and are not in their place, and (5) things that do not have a place. 1. The first step is to take a trash bag and pick up all the trash. Throw it away into the bag. Take large trash items like boxes and stack them together and place the trash bag with it. Do not take the trash out. 2. Next gather all of the dishes and place them in your sink or on your counter. Do not do the dishes. 3. Take a laundry basket and pick up all the clothes and shoes. Place the laundry basket next to the trash pile. Do not do the laundry. 4. Next pick a space in the room like a corner or a desk and put all the items there that have a place back in their place. Then put the items that have no place in a pile. Move to the next space and repeat until all things are back in their spots. 5. Now you will have a pile of things that do not have a place. It will be easier now that the space is clear to tackle this category. You may choose to get rid of some items that have no place and are contributing to clutter. For important things, you can find them a permanent place. 6. Take out your trash to the bin; throw laundry into the wash or laundry room. Now your space is livable. I always save the dishes for another day.

The Five Things Tidying Method helps the brain know exactly what it is looking for, so instead of seeing a sea of clutter and being paralyzed, it can start to see individual items. Ignoring everything but that one category helps to keep you on track and not get distracted. You can move faster when you know what you are looking for. Trash, laundry, and dishes are being placed into their own containers, so you are not spending lots of time walking around your house putting things away in different places. This makes things get tidier faster. Lastly, completing a category gives you a little dopamine reward. No more spending hours trying to clean and seeing no progress. Our brains need to see progress or they get discouraged. Category cleaning gives your brain multiple, quick finish lines to feel good about.

The categories can be tackled all at once or over a few days. You can choose to do only trash today, only dishes tomorrow, et cetera. You can also institute the timer technique. Decide that you are going to do twenty minutes a day, starting with the categories. Perhaps it takes you three days to get all the trash, but you stick with only trash until it’s done. Music, a Netflix show, a podcast, a timer, racing to see how fast you can go, a friend to help you tag team, rewarding yourself with something when you are done—all of these are tools you have to help you.

Instead of… Try saying: Chores → care tasks Chores are obligations. Care tasks are kindness to self. Cleaning → resetting the space Cleaning is endless. Resetting the space has a goal. It’s so messy in here! → this space has reached the end of its functional cycle It’s so messy in here feels like failure. This space has reached the end of its functional cycle is morally neutral. Good enough is good enough → good enough is perfect Good enough is good enough sounds like settling for less. Good enough is perfect means having boundaries and reasonable expectations.

But sometimes the “right” way of doing something creates barriers for certain executive functioning skills. Sometimes the simple reason is that the right way is not enjoyable and so it gets procrastinated. For a lot of people, finding a method that bypasses the most executive functioning barriers or that makes a task a little less intolerable is better than what’s “quickest.” In the end, the approach that you are motivated to do and enjoy doing is the most “efficient,” because you are actually doing it and not avoiding it.

The next time the bully starts talking and the little self starts shrinking, you can call on your compassionate observer self. They say to the bully, “You are not being helpful and I need you to stop.” And they turn to the little self and say, “I know you are in pain, and I know you feel like you are failing. But you aren’t. It’s not a moral failing to be untidy. Being unwell and struggling do not make you unworthy of kindness. You are going to be okay. I am here with you.” Think of what you would say to a friend who was struggling and turn the message inward.

Organization means having a place for everything in your home and having a system for getting it there. “Tidiness” and “messiness” describe how quickly things go back to their place. A tidy person typically returns things to their home immediately whereas a messy person does not.

I love a calming visual as much as the next person, but it’s important to remember that not everything has to be aesthetically pleasing to be organized and not everything aesthetically pleasing is functional! No one is coming to take photographs of the vitamins, Pledge spray, salt, and cup of pens sitting on my island turntable. But that doesn’t mean it’s not organized. The truth is that if it’s where you meant it to be, then it’s organized.

And remember, while you compare yourself to others, convinced that if you could be like them you’d be happy and worthy, there is probably someone comparing them-selves to you, thinking the same.

People talk a lot about the benefit of downsizing your wardrobe, but since that in and of itself is a huge undertaking, it’s not really a great starting point when you feel like you’re drowning. However, we can fake a closet downsize and still get all of the benefits without having to deal with the intense decision-making process real downsizing requires. Pick out a week’s worth of clothing to launder and pack everything else away in bags or Rubbermaid bins until a time when you can deal with it. Pick a day to launder your clothes, and if you feel up to it add back in a few items at a time. It may feel better to have more space without the clothes everywhere and be more manageable to keep up with your new smaller wardrobe.

When I think of all the good things I could be doing—whether it’s environmentalism, activism, or other altruistic acts—I try to categorize them into two tiers. The first tier lists the standards I expect myself to be accountable to at all times and in all areas of my life. This is also the tier I welcome anyone to hold me accountable for. For me, this tier includes ensuring my behavior is not racist, sexist, classist, homophobic, transphobic, or ableist, that I always refrain from abusing or exploiting others, and that I always act with honesty and integrity. The second tier includes morally good things that aren’t absolutes but that I participate in when possible: supporting small businesses, donating money, volunteering my time, recycling, avoiding fast fashion, reducing waste, prioritizing businesses with ethical practices. I am only accountable to myself and my inner circle for how I organize this tier.

If you cannot do everything you want to do, it’s important to identify which care tasks are necessary for you to function and prioritize them until you are in a place where you can do more. For example, if you are in a very stressful time in your life and cannot stay on top of cleaning your cat’s litter box and sorting the recycling, it is best to stop sorting the recycling and use your energy to find a routine that works for getting your cat’s litter box scooped frequently. Not recycling for a time will have an extremely small impact on the world, but not caring for your cat will have a huge impact on your cat.

One of the major tenets of health professions is harm reduction. No one is made functional overnight, and some people may always have barriers. The goal then is to take steps that reduce harm, first to self, then to those individuals around us, then to our community. You cannot jump right to community harm reduction before first addressing individual harm reduction. Therefore, if a newly widowed woman struggles to eat, she is released from the obligation of having an eco-perfect diet not because eating ethically is unimportant, but because when the real-world choices for someone are eating dairy or eating nothing, it is always the ethical choice to eat. It is always the ethical choice to encourage that person to eat whatever they can manage. Harm reduction is always ethical.

My point is, sometimes it helps to consider your body as separate from you. You have a body—you are not your body. So even if you think your body is a little bit ratty, you can get to know it, slowly, curiously, nonjudgmentally, by caring for it. And it might end up your friend. Literal interpretation: You do not have to wait to care about your body to care for your body. In fact, caring for your body can often cause you to start liking it more.

But as I have started down the road of understanding self-compassion, I have found one—just one—affirmation that actually does work for me. And it’s this: “I am allowed to be human.” That’s it. Humans are born with the birthright of worthiness (thanks, Brené Brown), but you know what? They are also messy, fallible, imperfect creatures who cannot and will not ever get everything right all the time. And this messy, fallible imperfection never detracts from our inherent worthiness. I am no exception and neither are you. When I get it wrong or struggle, this simple sentence reminds me that my worthiness is not at stake.

Perfectionism is debilitating. I want you to embrace adaptive imperfection. We aren’t settling for less; we are engaging in adaptive routines that help us live and function and thrive. Good enough is perfect.

When we believe our worth is dependent on completing the never-ending list of care tasks, we are unlikely to let ourselves rest until everything is done. Even when we manage to shame ourselves into action, we find that those who work in shame also rest in shame. Instead of relief, taking a break only brings feelings of guilt. You do not have to earn the right to rest, connect, or recreate. Unlearn the idea that care tasks must be totally complete before you can sit down.

Contribution and productivity are not moral values—but nonexploitation and humility are. When someone demands the benefits of being a part of a family but refuses responsibilities to that family of which they are capable, it’s a form of entitlement that exploits the other members of that family. However, having a limited capacity is not the same as being entitled and accepting help is not the same as exploiting others.

dr. Lesley Cook, a brilliant psychologist who works with ADHD, once said to me, “Forget about creating a routine. You have to focus on finding your rhythm.” With routines you are either on track or not. With rhythm you can skip a beat and still get back in the groove.

Self-care was never meant to be a replacement for community care.

Does embarrassment stop you? “I could never let a housekeeper see the state of my home” is about as logical as “I could never let a doctor see the state of my health.”

For the first several months of my youngest daughter’s life, I was completely underwater with quarantine and postpartum depression. When she turned eight months old, I made the decision to get some help. I hired a grad student to come clean a couple hours a week for an hourly wage for about two months. I told her frankly that she may walk in some days to everything being a disaster. I said what I needed might change from week to week. I told her she may not even finish some weeks but that making a dent in the mess would go a long way. When she arrived, I had her fold the mass of clean laundry on the floor that had piled up during the week (this was before my no-folding system), then clean either the upstairs or the downstairs depending on what I felt I needed or wanted that week. It was the best experience with a cleaning “service” I ever had. In the past when I had a cleaning service, I would feel stressed out at having to pre-clean and pick up before they got there. Knowing I didn’t have to do that took so much stress away. Because I knew she would be there for a set amount of time, every week I found myself taking the time to pick up and doing a little cleaning so I could get the most out of her help. Interestingly enough, the subtle shift from obligation to option created motivation for me.

If you have a friend who struggles with certain care tasks, you can form a little co-op where you go to your house one week and help each other clean or do laundry and then do the other person’s house the next week.

Whether it’s hiring a cleaning service, meal delivery, curbside groceries, or using a wash and fold, as long as you treat people with respect and pay them what they are worth, it’s all morally neutral.

feeding your body is a care task. Resting your body is a care task. Taking medication to control health symptoms is a care task. Moving your body is a care task. Physical therapy and other healing activities are care tasks. It’s a wonderful thing to investigate what foods and nutrients help your body function and feel best. But making or keeping yourself thin is not a care task.