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Most people fear that if they embrace this type of self-kindness, it will simply enable them to stay unfunctional forever. I think this fear is unfounded.
I find that the balance between rest and work seems to work itself out pretty naturally when you practice self-kindness.
Once feelings of not being appreciated have joined the discussion, we aren’t really talking about the dishes anymore. Partners are now operating from fear. Fear of being taken advantage of (since they clearly don’t see how much you work) or fear of taking advantage of someone (or being perceived as if you are).
The goal should not be to make the work equal but to ensure that the rest is fair.
This isn’t a business deal where you need to protect your interests against an adversary; it’s a partnership where you care about the well-being of each other.
It is your partner’s responsibility to protect your rest time but your responsibility to actually rest.
Free time does not automatically belong to one parent at the expense of the other.
That’s because the key to ensuring fair rest in our home has much more to do with showing appreciation and giving each other the benefit of the doubt than it does with whose job it is to take out the trash.
Fair rest covers a multitude of division of labor sins.
Absolutely no one is going to be lying on their deathbed with regrets about not cleaning their bathroom enough.
No timers. No agenda. You may not get it all done. But you get more done than you would’ve if you hadn’t done anything.
You are not required to contribute to be worthy of love and care and belonging.
I want my kids to grow up to care for others and treat them fairly without being crushed by the false guilt of thinking their worth is tied to how much they can produce or contribute.
It’s important to remember that your children do not have the same emotional context around mess or dirt as you.
If you have a particularly rude or pushy person in your life, you can use my favorite boundary phrase, which is “thank you for your concern, but I am not taking any feedback on this issue right now.”
dr. Lesley Cook, a brilliant psychologist who works with ADHD, once said to me, “Forget about creating a routine. You have to focus on finding your rhythm.”
The best way to do something is the way it gets done.
Creating momentum is key because motivation builds motivation.
This list is here to serve me; I do not serve this list. This schedule is here to make my life easier, not to make it harder. The schedule isn’t for telling me what I must do or reminding me about what I haven’t done. The way it serves me each day is by taking the burden of decision-making away.
The key is to embrace that idea that there is no finish line of worthiness. You are worthy now. There is only increased function ahead. And it’s going to be wonderful.
Self-care was never meant to be a replacement for community care.
There are just some seasons of life we have to limp through.
Take a look at the history behind the term self-care sometime. Start with googling Audre Lorde. It wasn’t always about yoga and hobbies.
“I could never let a housekeeper see the state of my home” is about as logical as “I could never let a doctor see the state of my health.” And so what if the housekeeper judges you? It is not their mental health you are responsible for but your own.
Sometimes we come from a cultural-familial background that says only pretentious people hire help for those sorts of things. The truth is that it’s no more pretentious to pay someone to clean your home than it is to pay someone to change the oil in your car.
The key to finding a system that works for you is (1) understanding the function of the care task, (2) realizing there is no “right” way, only the right way for your family, and (3) creating a system around your habits (not habits around your system).
