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There is an old saying that neurons that fire together wire together. It simply means that your brain can start associating feelings with certain experiences.
You don’t exist to serve your space; your space exists to serve you.
How you relate to care tasks—whether you are clean or dirty, messy or tidy, organized or unorganized—has absolutely no bearing on whether you are a good enough person.
That I could consider nighttime prep as a kindness to morning me changed my entire relationship with care tasks.
Next time you are trying to talk yourself into doing a care task, what would it be like to replace the voice that says, “Ugh, I should really go clean my house right now because it’s a disaster,” with “It would be such a kindness to future me if I were to get up right now and do _______. That task will allow me to experience comfort, convenience, and pleasure later.”
No one ever shamed themselves into better mental health.
In addiction recovery, as in most of life, success depends not on having strong willpower, but in developing mental and emotional tools to help you experience the world differently.
Although it looks like a lot, there are actually only five things in any room: (1) trash, (2) dishes, (3) laundry, (4) things that have a place and are not in their place, and (5) things that do not have a place.
It’s easier to tolerate the repetitive nature of care tasks if we let go of moral messages and isolate the functional reason for doing them. The idea that “I’ll just have to do this again tomorrow” can be exhausting and de-motivating. Yet most of us never think, “Why bother eating? I’m just going to be hungry again in a few hours.” We understand that eating is functional. We need to give our bodies calories and nutrients so we can go about making a joyful life.
Organization means having a place for everything in your home and having a system for getting it there. “Tidiness” and “messiness” describe how quickly things go back to their place.
Maybe I’ll get back into a rhythm of doing it more often and maybe it will keep being inconsistent. One thing I know is that if I keep the shame removed I can keep the on-ramp open. The worst-case scenario here is I sometimes get three minutes of health and mood benefits.
Let yourself get a little done. Say, “I am going to do one dish.” Often you’ll find that motivation kicks in after you have already started. It’s stressful to try to summon up 100 percent of the momentum to do something while sitting on the couch. Let yourself use 5 percent energy to do 5 percent of the task. Maybe you keep going. Maybe you don’t.
if you have been viewing care tasks as moral, it is likely you either a) never stop moving, feel anxious and overwhelmed, and are constantly exhausted or b) lack motivation, feel paralyzed and overwhelmed, and are constantly exhausted. They are really two sides of the same coin. And the coin is shame.
Contribution and productivity are not moral values—but nonexploitation and humility are. When someone demands the benefits of being a part of a family but refuses responsibilities to that family of which they are capable, it’s a form of entitlement that exploits the other members of that family. However, having a limited capacity is not the same as being entitled and accepting help is not the same as exploiting others.
With routines you are either on track or not. With rhythm you can skip a beat and still get back in the groove.
simple plan to keep a space livable is better than an overwhelming plan to keep a space perfect.
When I began a little cleaning schedule, I noticed there was an item I kept doing inconsistently or skipping altogether. I would then feel bad for not doing the whole weekly list. So I came up with a hack for ensuring the whole list would get done. I took that item off the list. Now the whole list gets done. “But KC!” you say. “The item you took off isn’t getting done now.” Well, it wasn’t getting done when it was on the list either, only now I don’t feel guilty about it. It just goes back to being randomly done when I think about it and I still have a functioning closing duty list.
quit beating yourself up for having a skill deficit when what you really have is a support deficit. Self-care was never meant to be a replacement for community care.
the funny thing about doing your best; it never feels like your best at the time. In fact, it almost always feels like failing when you’re in it.
Whether it’s hiring a cleaning service, meal delivery, curbside groceries, or using a wash and fold, as long as you treat people with respect and pay them what they are worth, it’s all morally neutral.
Paid domestic help is not a prescription. You don’t have to meet a diagnostic criterion to deserve to hire someone to help you
