How to Keep House While Drowning

by K.C. Davis

You don’t exist to serve your space; your space exists to serve you.

When I viewed getting my life together as a way for trying to atone for the sin of falling apart, I stayed stuck in a shame-fueled cycle of performance, perfectionism, and failure.

Next time you are trying to talk yourself into doing a care task, what would it be like to replace the voice that says, “Ugh, I should really go clean my house right now because it’s a disaster,” with “It would be such a kindness to future me if I were to get up right now and do _______. That task will allow me to experience comfort, convenience, and pleasure later.”

Sometimes you may not get up even with the change in self-talk. But you

know what? You weren’t getting up when you were being mean to yourself either, so at least you can be nice to yourself. No one ever shamed themselves into better mental health.

Although it looks like a lot, there are actually only five things in any room: (1) trash, (2) dishes, (3) laundry, (4) things that have a place and are not in their place, and (5) things that do not have a place.

Our brains need to see progress or they get discouraged.

I’m learning that when marginalized communities face racism or classism, high standards for cleanliness can be a way for a family to reassert their own dignity in the face of dehumanizing stereotypes about being lazy, unintelligent, or dirty.

Loving families might insist that their home sparkle or their children’s clothes be spotless, not out of a perceived superiority, but as a way of protecting against discrimination.

There may be other complex and contextual reasons why your family or community gave you the messages they did about care tasks. You may need time to consider, to honor, to grie...

So much of our distress comes not from the unfolded laundry but from the messages we give ourselves. Lazy. Predictable. Unlovable. You do not need to be good at care tasks to learn how to develop a compassionate inner dialogue.

What you say to yourself when your house is clean fuels what you say to yourself when it’s dirty. If you’re good when it’s clean, you must then be bad when it’s not.

For a lot of people, finding a method that bypasses the most executive functioning barriers or that makes a task a little less intolerable is better than what’s “quickest.” In the end, the approach that you are motivated to do and enjoy doing is the most “efficient,” because you are actually doing it and not avoiding it.

The Compassionate Observer is a concept created by Kristin Neff, PhD. She has this and more exercises for cultivating self-compassion at https://self-compassion.org/

I love a calming visual as much as the next person, but it’s important to remember that not everything has to be aesthetically pleasing to be organized and not everything aesthetically pleasing is functional!

In conclusion: being messy is not a moral failing, tidy is simply a preference, organization is functional, and you deserve to function.

we know that two people can go through the same thing and be affected by it very differently. The same disorder or barrier does not present the same way in everyone. For every person with cancer making Marvel movies, there is someone at home who can’t do anything but survive the day and attempt to eat.

And remember, while you compare yourself to others, convinced that if you could be like them you’d be happy and worthy, there is probably someone comparing themselves to you, thinking the same. We are all somebody’s Susie.

One thing I know is that if I keep the shame removed I can keep the on-ramp open. The worst-case scenario here is I sometimes get three minutes of health and mood benefits.

If, however, you want clean clothes, you feel your life would be better with clean clothes, and you would like to be able to do the laundry you’ve been staring at for hours but just can’t seem to make yourself do, that’s not a lack of motivation. That is a problem with task initiation.

If you have a diagnosis like ADHD, autism, PTSD, or depression (and many others), you are probably familiar with task initiation problems, because those diagnoses famously create problems with executive functioning, of which task initiation is one.

Often you’ll find that motivation kicks in after you have already started.

Let yourself use 5 percent energy to do 5 percent of the task. Maybe you keep going. Maybe you don’t. That’s okay. Anything worth doing is worth doing partially.

If you tend to avoid care tasks because they are boring, choose something you can enjoy during the task: a Netflix show, a podcast, an audiobook, et cetera. Don’t just limit yourself to home care tasks either. A good podcast or audiobook while you shower can make all the difference.

The metaphor of an on-ramp is used to explain how you can make starting a task feel easier, in the same way that the entrance

lane to a highway allows you to gradually merge onto the road.

Christine Miserandino is a disability advocate who articulates this in her concept of Spoon Theory, which is a helpful resource in understanding chronic illness.

Remember, at the end of the day it’s really not that important whether you figure out a way to “stay on top of your laundry.” What’s important is learning to treat yourself with compassion and have a kind inner dialogue about laundry. If you never figure it out but have less shame in your life and more joy, I’d say that’s a win.

nobody is doing all the good things all the time

One time, I was at a Q&A with Nora Roberts, and someone asked her how to balance writing and kids, and she said that the key to juggling is to know that some of the balls you have in the air are made of plastic & some are made of glass.

Harm reduction is always ethical.

You do not need to have children for your struggles with care tasks to be valid. You are welcome here.

Hygiene Kit: Baby wipes Dry shampoo or oil Hairbrush Toothbrush and toothpaste (or disposable wisps) Mouthwash Face lotion Deodorant Essential oil or misting spray that smells good Washcloth

Remember that anything worth doing is worth doing half-assed.

My point is, sometimes it helps to consider your body as separate from you. You have a body—you are not your body. So even if you think your body is a little bit ratty, you can get to know it, slowly, curiously, nonjudgmentally, by caring for it. And it might end up your friend. Literal interpretation: You do not have to wait to care about your body to care for your body. In fact, caring for your body can often cause you to start liking it more.

That’s it. Humans are born with the birthright of worthiness (thanks, Brené Brown), but you know what? They are also messy, fallible, imperfect creatures who cannot and will not ever get everything right all the time.

So join me next time you feel the panic of making a mistake and say, “I am allowed to be human.”

If you go through your whole life thinking that every time you clean the fridge it has to be perfect, every time you take a shower it has to be perfect, every time you do a work project it has to be perfect, you will burn out and hate your life. But if prioritizing a few good things that really matter to you and aiming for good enough with the rest of it lets you come out at the end of the day healthy and able to experience joy—now that’s an excellent life.

6 I promise God does not care how you do your laundry.

Research shows that people who report feeling burnout can take months or even years before they start feeling recovered from the damage of that psychological stress. Your body might need that extended time to process and rest and be.

I find that the balance between rest and work seems to work itself out pretty naturally when you practice self-kindness.

dr. Lesley Cook, a brilliant psychologist who works with ADHD, once said to me, “Forget about creating a routine. You have to focus on finding your rhythm.”

The best way to do something is the way it gets done.

You can live a joyful life and be just good enough at care tasks, even if things aren’t totally functional yet. It’s a process and one that I am still in too. The key is to embrace that idea that there is no finish line of worthiness. You are worthy now. There is only increased function ahead. And it’s going to be wonderful.

It only takes about thirty minutes to do these little closing duties, but I know it’s going to make future KC have an easier time functioning tomorrow. The power in closing duties is the power of permission. Permission to care for tomorrow you without having to make things perfect or up to other people’s standards.

feeding your body is a care task. Resting your body is a care task. Taking medication to control health symptoms is a care task. Moving your body is a care task. Physical therapy and other healing activities are care tasks. It’s a wonderful thing to investigate what foods and nutrients help your body function and feel best. But making or keeping yourself thin is not a care task.

Anxiety and perfectionism are not good for your health. At the end of the day, your relationship to food is as much a factor in your health as fueling your body in a way that makes you feel good is.

There is no right way here; it’s simply what is the lower stress option. You get to decide.