Keep It in the Family

by John Marrs

Stewkbury

Not even Wikipedia knows what this word is

‘I’m half expecting Dwayne Johnson to appear on a motorbike.’ My joke falls on deaf ears.

Uncultured

even though her son has a sleeve of inkings, including one with his ex-girlfriend Emma’s face that he has yet to have lasered

Bro you married this guy?

part of me that wonders if he’s still not let go of her completely,

I thought I had a stroke

It’s a good job we bought a job lot of masks

WHO EDITED THIS? I DON'T UNDERSTAND YOUR CODE

‘He’s just a plumber,’ more than one of them said.

A hell of a good trade that pays well. Don't knock my guys occupation

The painkillers I took earlier for a persistent headache must contain caffeine because,

A little cafine is good for headaches sooo probably

I can’t deny there’s a small, selfish element to taking a life, a physical release that is hard to explain.

I find myself sitting on a bench opposite a playground in Newmarket,

Yeah that's not creepy ya pedo

They were the kind of questions a mate might ask you, not a total stranger, even if she’s hot.

W-why does her being hot have to do with it??

‘Maybe, but I can’t shake the niggling feeling

Is this a common word in the UK??

I want everyone to forget about me.

I’m not going to be pushed out of his life just because Mia has suddenly decided she wants to play at being Mum.

But Mia IS his mum, you old bat.

I was thirteen years old. I remember it as if it was yesterday because you never forget your first premeditated murder.

Ah yes, the most important day in a young childs life…

Their sturdy frames, covered by our patented hard-wearing leather, are air-tight, tough and stain resistant,

Convenient…

The smell reminds me of my mother and I hate it as much as I hate her.

Well damn, tell us how you really feel

Neither of us was born with a silver spoon in our mouths like you were.

Not a great way to start a conversation but go on

But it’s on the condition that you leave my son and your marriage.’

Fuck you Debbie. I was with you until you said this. disgraceful

You are like a cancer in our family, Mia,

DEBBIE, FUCK YOU

‘You don’t expect us to let you take him with you, do you? Part of the condition of you moving away is that you leave my grandson behind.’

OHMYGOD DEBBIE YOURE A FUCKING BITCH HOLY SHITE

‘You’ve been having an affair with her for the last six years?’ He nodded. ‘Why?’ He shrugged.

Because he's a little mommies boy bitch

But I can’t, because she has brought this all on herself.

Oh yes, it’s HER fault that HE cheated.

I’ve spent my working life providing for family and I’m too proud to sign on and claim benefits.

That's dumb af bro. You legit have cancer and a family...

I’ve been slipping Finn cash here and there as he’s struggling to support the two households relying on him.

Lmao. Should've thought of that before he cheated dummy

But this is real life and, if I’m wrong, it would kill what’s left of my marriage.

My love... He had another family. There's nothing left of this marriage.

Things have a habit of disappearing quickly from this room.

You have almost never mentioned this room...

If I didn’t know he was a multiple murderer,

Its... The term is serial killer babe

Hunter believed he was suffering from terminal cancer, an autopsy revealed his condition to be a treatable stomach ulcer.

DAMNNNNN AINT THAT A KICK IN THE DICK

they point-blank refuse to let Finn set foot over the doorstep.

Lmao good. Fuck that guy

Look at her, shamelessly flirting with my son as if butter wouldn’t melt in her mouth.

Holy shit Debbie. For the love of God, stfu

If I was, I’d find a way to kill her with my own bare hands for what she’s done.

I never say this to actual people, but you're fictional so… kys…

Mia is to blame for it all.

She's not but okay

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, that trendy ailment that celebrities blame for their bad behaviour.

How many celebrities you know have ptsd??

telling me that he loves me and that, despite everything, I am a good person.

Mmmm but you're not, Debbie

Would I have forgiven myself if I’d hurt Sonny to save the rest of my family? I’ve asked myself this a lot and the answer is always the same – yes.

You don't deserve to have fucking grandchildren either then. Wow.

I will not let her take anyone else I love away from me.

Deb, you're a loon

There is one victim we all seem to forget in this terrible story – Debbie Hunter.

Heeeeeeere we go *eye roll emoji*

the only positive thing to come from this mess of Mia’s making.

Bitch no one made you kill children. Stop being a narcissist

because if what they’re saying is true and this Covid thing continues to spread,

Oof, about that…

But I can’t get away from the niggling thought that,

Not the niggling thought *crying emoji*

I dropped the phone on to the rim

You were just holding an iPad though

‘If you’re going to say what I think you’re going to say, then no, you’re wrong.’

He says after watching video evidence

How can he be so stupid as to fall for Mia’s lies? She killed his father, for God’s sake!

Holy shit Debbie, I am so unbelievably done with your shit

‘I’ve left him on the doorstep where he belongs, next to the wheelie bin. He likes to recycle, doesn’t he?’

Damn, Mia's mom is a savage

if I don’t intervene now, Mia will corrupt him as she corrupts all men.

Deb, you got a lot of issues and Mia didn't cause any of em

I’m ready to die. I want to be with my Dave and as far away from this world as possible.

Lmao you'll probably be with Dave, but you're going to a world that's a lot worse honey

My attacker also slashed my face, narrowly avoiding my eye.

Hell yeah. Down with Debbie

There is no one to reminisce with. No one to share a long-forgotten re-emerging memory. No one to hug. And no one to feel loved by.

And whose fault is that DEBBIE??

What kind of mum encourages their child to do that, Debbie?’ ‘Stop calling me Debbie!’

Lol no