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“Levi’s awesome. Best boss I ever had. He harassed NASA into giving me health insurance!”
No, I’m not too proud to accept his food. I’m not too proud to accept anyone’s food.
“Oh, I’ve got it! Your mug? The one that says Yoda Best Engineer?” “Yeah?” “I want one. But it needs to say ‘neuroscientist,’ of course.” He lifts one eyebrow. “This is the equivalent to someone buying their own World’s Best Boss mug. Congratulations, you’re officially NASA’s Michael Scott.”
“I’ll run with you.” “You mean, you’ll walk next to me with your seventy-mile-long legs?” “I’ll train you.” “Oh, Levi. Levi. You sweet summer child.”
Levi does stare at my body for a considerable amount of time, but then he looks away, flushed.
(“Houston is dangerous at night,” “You never know who’s lurking around,” “Either you let me walk you home, or I follow ten feet behind you. Your choice”).
SHMAC: I know what she loves to eat, what shows she watches, what makes her laugh, her opinions on pets. I know her dislikes (aside from me). I’ve been cataloging a million little quirks of hers in my head, and they are enchanting. She is enchanting. Smart, funny, an incredible scientist. And . . . there are things. Things I think about. But I’m drunk, and this is inappropriate.
SHMAC: I know what she smells like. This little freckle on her neck when she pulls up her hair. Her upper lip is a little plumper than the lower. The curve of her wrist, when she holds a pen. It’s wrong, really wrong, but I know the shape of her. I go to sleep thinking about it, and then I wake up, go to work, and she is there, and it’s impossible. I tell her stuff I know she’ll agree to, just to hear her hum back at me. It’s like hot water down my fucking spine. She’s married. She’s brilliant. She trusts me, and all I think about is taking her to my office, stripping her, doing unspeakable
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“I had more social interactions in the past twenty minutes than in the last ten months,” he mumbles. “I saw you smile at least four times.” I pat his arm comfortingly. “That can’t have been easy.” “I might have to lie down.”
“You . . .” Levi’s hand tightens on my nape. “You didn’t marry him. You never married him.” I smile, rueful. “The worst thing is, I tried to forgive him for a long time. But then I couldn’t, and . . .” I shake my head. Levi is blinking, a dumbfounded expression on his face. “You’re not married,” he repeats, and I sit up as his shock finally penetrates my brain.
“He’s the real secret of your academic success!” “I wouldn’t go that far—” “The source of your intelligence!” “Seems excessive—” “The only reason you have a job!”
I stare at him. And stare at him. And stare a little more, open-mouthed. I stare at this man who is six four and two hundred pounds of muscle and just vented to me for five minutes about the fact that space is a scary place. God. Oh, God. I think I like him. “There’s one single format in which space is tolerable,” he says. “Which is?” “Star Wars movies.” Oh, God. I jump out of my seat, grab his hand, and pull him out of the bar. He follows without resisting. “Bee? Where are we—?” I don’t bother looking back. “To my hotel room. To watch The Empire Strikes Back.”
“If tomorrow you see Annie and Tim and feel . . . like you felt today. Just take my hand, okay?”
Become a scientist, they said. It will be fun, they said.
The show was always gonna be good, but now? Now it’s fucking Hamilton, baby.
My train of thought fades as I notice Levi is not just hugging Tim. He’s also gripping his shoulders tightly, fingers digging painfully into Tim’s flesh as he murmurs something in his ear. I can’t make out the words, but by the time Levi straightens back up, Tim’s mouth is pulled in a thin, straight line, his face is milk white in a way I don’t remember ever seeing before, and his expression looks almost . . . scared. Is Tim scared? “I— You— I didn’t mean to,” he stammers, but Levi interrupts him. “Nice to see you again,” he says in a commanding, dismissive tone.
“What just happened?” I whisper while Levi pulls out my chair. Apparently, we’re in 1963. “Look.” He points at Sam’s food. “They have quinoa bowls.” “Why does Tim look terrified?” He gives me an innocent look. “He does?” “Levi. What did you say to him?” Levi ignores me. “Sam, does that bowl have eggs in it?”
“We’re doing great,” Levi tells Mike, his tone a mix of big-dick calm and I could kill a man with a beach ball. He leisurely puts his arm on the back of my chair, and plucks a grape from my plate. A deafening silence falls at the table. Everyone is looking at us. Everyone. “What about you, Mike?” Levi asks without bothering to look up from my food. “I heard there were problems with your tenure packet. How’s that coming along?” “Oh, um . . .” “Yeah. I thought so.”
“About the frequency trains, I wonder if we could take advantage of the magnetothermal—” Something splattered on the side of the road catches my eye. “What’s that?” “Wow.” Levi’s tone is forcefully cheerful. “Check out that farm on the right!” “But what’s that on the— Oh no.” “I didn’t see anything.” “Is it a dead raccoon?” “No.” “Yes, it was!” I start crying. Again. For the seventh time in forty-eight hours.
I laugh. “For real—what did you tell Tim?” “I said hi. Asked how he was.” “Come on. You were speaking into his ear.” “Just whispering sweet nothings.” I snort.
“Whatever you told Tim . . . thank you. It was nice to see him almost shit his pants.”
“Whatever you’re imagining, from the tamest to the most . . . inappropriate thoughts, that’s probably where my mind was at.” He swallows visibly. I watch his throat move. “You were always in my head. And I could never get you out.”
I shake my head. This cannot be true. “You wouldn’t even sit next to me.” “It was hard to think when you were close.” His voice is husky.
“He told me you knew that I was . . . interested. That I was making you uncomfortable. That you found me unpleasant.” Levi’s throat works. “He asked me to avoid you as much as I could. And I did. In a way, it was easier.” “Easier?” He shrugs with a self-deprecating smile. “Just . . . wanting and not having, it can get unbearable. Quickly so.”
“For the first time in my life I agree with you,” Rocío says. “Really? For the first time?” She nods. Ungrateful little gremlin.
“I’m assuming you wanted me to follow you in, but if not—” “Look.” I push the notebook under his nose. “We’re going to do this. Look at this.” He blinks a few times. “Bee, I don’t think this is . . . English.” I turn the notebook around. Shit, I wrote in German. “Okay—don’t look at this.
“Right. That’s where I’m going to scare you.” “Scare me?” “Yes.” I make room on the table, and start sketching a diagram. “But don’t be scared.” “I’m not scared.” “Good. Stay unscared.”
“I’m pretty sure this is sexual harassment.” “I don’t mind.” “No, you are harassing me—”
I grin. “I’m so happy for you.” She sobers up. “Don’t be. Life is pain and then you die.”
“Gotta go. It’s probably Rocío coming to reiterate that I’m not her real mother. Or that after you die the enzymes in your digestive tract devour your body from the inside.” “Of all your colleagues, this girl is my absolute favorite.” “She was caught porking. On my desk.” “How does she constantly top herself?”
SHMAC: I am, too. Though she’s still a bit skittish. MARIE: Skittish? SHMAC: For valid reasons. But I don’t think she’s quite ready to admit it to herself. MARIE: Admit what? SHMAC: That I’m serious about this. That I’m in it for the long haul. Or at least for as long as she’ll have me.
“Can I kiss you?” he asks, and I could fall in love with this hesitant, shy version of Levi Ward—the
I fall in love with Penny the second I lay my eyes on her. Not true. I fall for her when she looks up from lying facedown on the living room rug and moans with wide, pleading eyes, “My kingdom. My entire kingdom for a Twinkie.”
“Penny,” Lily reprimands her gently, “no grilling guests on family planning before lunch.”
“Oh. Oh, I—” I feel myself go crimson and look at Levi, expecting to find him just as embarrassed, but he’s staring at me with the same expression from before, only about twenty times more intense, and—
“Does anyone want sherbet?” Lily asks, clearly picking up on the weirdness. “Mother,” Penny says darkly, “must you torture me?”
“This happens to her every other day.” “Slander,” I mumble, fighting to open my eyes. “Lies.” He smiles down at me and—he’s so handsome. I love his face. “Look who’s gracing us with her presence.”
“When do you do it, then?” “It depends. Sometimes it’s highly stressful, surprising situations. Other times it’s just seeing things that I’m afraid of, like snakes or spiders.” Penny’s eyes widen. “So if I show you Shaggy again—” Levi and Lily yell, “No!” at the same time, but it’s too late. Penny whips the toy back out from behind her back, and everything goes dark again.
“Ah.” He half smiles. “Do you want to get ice cream?” “You had neither nature nor nurture on your side!” “So, no ice cream?” “Of course yes ice cream!”
I take a deep breath, still staring out the window. “I really, really, really like you.” He doesn’t reply for a long moment. Then: “I’m pretty sure I like you more.”
He presses his knee against mine and stands, stopping midway to whisper against the shell of my ear, “I missed you last night.”
“I don’t know. Maybe the fact that we’ve been together every second of the past two weeks, that we’ve made love every single night, that I know that you sigh in your sleep, that you floss like a maniac, that you taste like honey everywhere.”
“Here’s the honesty: I’m in love with you. But that’s not news. Not to me, and not to you, I don’t think. Not if you’re honest with yourself—which you say you are, right?” My eyes widen. He powers on, ruthless, merciless. Levi Ward: force of nature. Sucking the air out of my lungs. “Here’s something else that’s honest: you’re in love with me, too.”
“I can give you nice. I can give you better than nice. I can give you everything.” He smiles at me, full of hope. “You don’t even have to admit to yourself that you love me, Bee. God knows I love you enough for the both of us. But I need you to stay. I need you to stick around. Not in Houston, if you don’t want to. I’ll follow you, if you ask me to.
“And when you get tired of me?” I’m a wet, trembling mess. “When you can’t be around anymore? When you meet someone else?” “I won’t,” he says, and I hate how sure, how resigned he sounds. “You don’t know that. You can’t know that. You—” “There hasn’t been anyone else.” His jaw tenses and works. “Since the first moment I saw you. Since the first moment I talked to you and made an ass of myself, there hasn’t been anyone else.”
“I spent years—years—hoping to find another who could measure up. Hoping to feel something—anything—for someone else. And now you’re here, and—I have had you, Bee. I know how it can be. You think I don’t know what it feels like, to want something so much you’re afraid to let yourself take it? Even when it’s in front of you? Do you think I’m not fucking scared?” He exhales, running a hand through his hair. “Bee. You want to belong. You want someone who won’t let go. I’m it. I didn’t let go of you for years, and I didn’t even have you. But you need to let me.”
Levi cups my face, forehead touching mine. His hands—they are my home. “Bee. Don’t take this from us,” he murmurs. Ragged. Careful. Hopeful. “Please.”
You and Levi. Because, Bee—oh, Bee, he was obsessed with you. The second NIH nominated you, he had to make BLINK happen.
“Bee?” Levi says. “. . . Yeah?” “Can you do something for me, sweetheart?” Unlikely. “Yeah?” “I want you to take a step to your right. Another. Another.” My knee hits the edge of one of the lobby couches. Levi smiles, like he’s incredibly proud of me. “Perfect. Now sit down.” I do it, confused. There’s something wet on my hand. I look down: Félicette is licking my fingers. “I . . . Why?” “Because I’ll need to restrain Guy until security gets here. And I won’t be able to catch you when you pass out.” “But I . . .” My eyelids flutter closed, and . . . Well. You know the drill by now.
I explained everything to NIH and my superiors, and of course I am begging you on my knees to return—” “You’re standing,” Rocío points out, unimpressed. Levi looks away, biting back a smile.
I love her so much
