The Grieving Brain: The Surprising Science of How We Learn from Love and Loss

by Mary-Frances O'Connor

On the one hand, there is grief—the intense emotion that crashes over you like a wave, completely overwhelming, unable to be ignored. Grief is a moment that recurs over and over. However, these moments are distinct from what I call grieving, the word I use to refer to the process, not the moment of grief. Grieving has a trajectory.

Grief emerges as distress, caused by the absence of a specific person who filled one’s attachment needs and therefore was part of one’s identity and way of functioning in the world.

The cognitive aspect of empathy is the ability to see or imagine another person’s perspective, unrelated to their feelings. If you are sitting face-to-face with someone, you know that they cannot view the scene that you see behind them. But, because you can take their perspective, you understand that if someone walks into the room behind them, the person across from you is unaware of this. You would have to tell them this person has arrived. That ability to take someone else’s perspective is an example of the cognitive aspect of empathy. Emotional empathy, on the other hand, is being able to feel the way another person is feeling. For example, if you and your friend are both in line for the same promotion and you get it, you may put yourself in your friend’s shoes and feel their disappointment, despite feeling happy for yourself. And compassion, or caring, goes beyond empathy. It is the motivation to help or comfort the person when you can take their perspective and know how they are feeling.