The Grieving Brain: The Surprising Science of How We Learn from Love and Loss

by Mary-Frances O'Connor

I have heard bereaved people describe this in their own way, saying that the extraordinary stress of grieving feels particularly awful because they are facing it without the one person they would usually turn to in difficult times.

The magnificence of the brain gave me great empathy for what bereaved people overcome in order to make a life when their loved one will not return. Their adaptation requires the support of their friends and family, the passage of time, and some considerable bravery to overcome what part of our brain may think is best for us.

But if we can stop judging ourselves, if we can have compassion for ourselves because we are human and because this human life comes with grief, we may find it easier to connect with others as well.

After a loved one dies, they are clearly no longer with us in the physical world, which each day proves to us. On the other hand, they are not gone, because they are with us in our brain and in our mind. The physical makeup of our brain—the structure of our neurons—has been changed by them.

This experience reaches beyond the love for the flesh and bones of the person we once knew on this earthly plane. Now loving is an attribute of us, regardless of who we share it with, regardless of what is given to us in return. This is a transcendent experience, a felt sense of being loving without needing anything in return.