The Grieving Brain: The Surprising Science of How We Learn from Love and Loss

by Mary-Frances O'Connor

Psychiatrist Kathy Shear at Columbia says that “grief is the form love takes when someone we love dies.”5 Many cultures emphasize relinquishing the bond with the loved one as a part of facing the reality that they are gone. Some cultures emphasize that the bereaved should continue the relationship and communicate with the loved one, or even have rituals through which they are transformed into a continuing presence as an ancestor. Psychological science calls these continuing bonds. These bonds are unique to each relationship, and the people we have interviewed for research have graciously shared some of their intimate moments. One example came from a young woman whose husband had died. The couple had shared a love of music, and she continued to feel connected to him through the songs she heard.