The Grieving Brain: The Surprising Science of How We Learn from Love and Loss

by Mary-Frances O'Connor

Depression runs strong in my maternal family, not unlike a vein of metal ore coursing through the generations, picking out one individual or another. I had already experienced one episode of depression before she died, during a period of homesickness in my junior year abroad in college. My response to her death included another bout of depression, and it was not my last. As I learned more from people who experienced complicated grief in my research studies, I came to realize that the hallmark of their grief experience was yearning. That was not the feeling I wrestled with when I was grieving. Although I struggled after the loss of my mom, I was not yearning for her to be around again. If anything, I felt relieved that she was gone, because my relationship with her had been so difficult, and because I knew how unhappy she was during stretches of her life. Feeling relief over a loved one’s death, though not uncommon, is terribly stigmatizing, so I did not admit that to a lot of people.