The Grieving Brain: The Surprising Science of How We Learn from Love and Loss

by Mary-Frances O'Connor

The frequency and intensity of people’s feelings typically increase after a loss, like turning up the volume dial. It is not uncommon to hear people who are grieving say that it is the worst they have ever felt, or that they did not know they could feel so bad. Such emotional intensity forces us to deal with these new experiences. Regulating one’s emotions becomes a necessary part of daily life. Psychologists, friends, and family often have strong opinions about the best ways to cope. Confronting one’s emotions and understanding them has been considered a good coping strategy. Suppressing one’s feelings, and avoiding thoughts that bring up emotions, on the other hand, has been put in the category of bad coping. The most recent research suggests that the subject is not that straightforward, however. The most reliable predictor of good mental health is having a large toolkit of strategies to deal with one’s emotions and deploying the right strategy at the right time.