The Grieving Brain: The Surprising Science of How We Learn from Love and Loss

by Mary-Frances O'Connor

People experience fear, terror, pain, helplessness, or extreme anger at the moment of their loved one’s passing, especially if it occurs in violent or terrifying circumstances, in accidents or emergency rooms. During the COVID-19 pandemic, many people were unable to be with their loved ones when they were admitted to the hospital and were not at their bedside when they died. Without the opportunity for saying good-bye, for expressing love, gratitude, or forgiveness, and without the memory of seeing our loved one’s physical decline and death, ambiguity may surround the “realness” of the death. Research shows that ambiguous loss, such as when family members are disappeared by a political regime or missing and presumed dead from an airplane crash or in wartime conflict, complicates the grieving process. One reason may be that part of our brain is wired to believe that our loved one is never really gone, and without the overwhelming evidence from our memories of their decline or death, rewiring our understanding may take longer or cause greater distress.