The Grieving Brain: The Surprising Science of How We Learn from Love and Loss

by Mary-Frances O'Connor

Extrapolating from what Dweck writes, if you find yourself saying, “I am not able to adapt to life after loss,” try adding “yet” to the end of that sentence. The frustration in learning about your new world, the despair that you will never create a restored life, are feelings created when your brain is growing and changing. Your brain is sorting out what works and what does not. If you feel as though you are treading water, or barely keeping from going under, it is time to try some new approaches to your memories, your emotions, and your relationships. Learning how others have restored a meaningful life can provide new things to try. Your pastor, your grandmother, your favorite novelist or blog writer, a psychologist—consult with someone new, with whom you have not yet talked about your personal experience of grief. Choose someone who has had experience with grieving. Ask what they did to cope, or, even more likely, what they still do to cope. Try out these new approaches, try out what worked for them even if you feel foolish, and then pay attention to what works, what actually makes you feel better in the present moment. Even if none of their ideas work, you may at least feel more connected to someone, more connected to humanity. And since connection is part of what is missing from a grief-stricken life, there is opportunity in it.