The Grieving Brain: The Surprising Science of How We Learn from Love and Loss

by Mary-Frances O'Connor

A key problem in grief is that there is a mismatch between the virtual map we always use to find our loved ones, and the reality, after they die, that they can no longer be found in the dimensions of space and time. The unlikely situation that they are not on the map at all, the alarm and confusion that this causes, is one reason grief overwhelms us.

yearning, in many ways, is the heart of grief.

Abstract knowledge, like the knowledge that everyone will die someday, is not treated in the same way as lived experience.

Grief emerges as distress, caused by the absence of a specific person who filled one’s attachment needs and therefore was part of one’s identity and way of functioning in the world.

implicit belief in the persistence of our deceased loved one may actually interfere with learning about our new reality.

Bonding gives us the motivation to believe that when our spouse, children, and close friends leave us, it is temporary, and they will return. If we truly believed that they would not return every time they left for work or school in the morning, our life might be unbearable. Thankfully, we do not experience the death of our loved ones very often, in comparison to the number of times our loved ones come and go while alive.

extraordinary stress of grieving feels particularly awful because they are facing it without the one person they would usually turn to in difficult times.