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brain has a problem to solve when a loved one has died. This is not a trivial problem. Losing our one-and-only overwhelms us, because we need our loved ones as much as we need food and water.
grieving as a type of learning may make it feel more familiar and understandable and give us the patience to allow this remarkable process to unfold.
grief never ends, and it is a natural response to loss. You will experience pangs of grief over this specific person forever. You will have discrete moments that overwhelm you, even years after the death when you have restored your life to a meaningful, fulfilling experience. But,
grieving necessitates learning to live in the world with the absence of someone you love deeply, who is ingrained in your understanding of the world. This
our neurons still fire every time we expect our loved one to be in the room. And this neural trace persists until we can learn that our loved one is never going to be in our physical world again.
a mismatch between the virtual map we always use to find our loved ones, and the reality, after they die, that they can no longer be found in the dimensions of space and time. The unlikely situation that they are not on the map at all, the alarm and confusion
The idea that a person simply does not exist anymore does not follow the rules the brain has learned over a lifetime.
Go look for the person, cry out, text, call, or use any possible means to get their attention.
utter disorientation people experience in acute grief.
Searching for our loved ones after they have died is a very common experience.
If you are overwhelmed with missing your deceased husband, and you seek out something to remind you of him, to remind you of the time you spent together, that’s one thing.
in the present and remembering the past, with all the pain and sadness and bittersweetness of having known and loved the person.
somewhere in the brain, if we knew how to look for it.
An EEG cap of electrodes on the human scalp shows a change in the voltage when the brain detects that the “wrong” thing has happened, milliseconds after it occurs.
Seeing and feeling them is quite common, and it definitely isn’t evidence that something is wrong with us.
simply not true in terms of probability.
enough new lived experiences for our brain to develop new predictions, and that takes time.
more to do with experience. If
When we experience a loss through death, our brain initially cannot comprehend that the dimensions we usually use to locate our loved ones simply do not exist anymore.
practicing
allow your brain to have experiences, day after day, which will help to update that little gray computer.
closeness of attachment often transcends the moment-to-moment emotions they feel toward us, at least in secure relationships.
Alternatively, if our relationship is struggling, the best I may be able to hope for is that we will sit together on the couch watching TV out of habit.
Absence sets off emotional alarm bells, revealing the calm and comfort of closeness that we miss.
they just feel distant, and you want to fix it rather than believe they are permanently gone.
This “would’ve/could’ve/should’ve” loop can feel exhausting.
We can know that it is ridiculous to be angry with the person for dying, or futile to be angry at ourselves for not keeping them close, and at the same time be furious anyway.
brain to represent the distance aspects in the same computational region, since they carry a common metric.
bereaved should continue the relationship and communicate with the loved one, or even have rituals through which they are transformed into a continuing presence as an ancestor.
Another woman told me about writing letters to her deceased husband, asking all sorts of questions about what she should be doing and how.
With attachment, both people have access to help at the times when it is needed most. Examples include support and caregiving when one of you is ill, giving the other person the benefit of the doubt, or defending the other’s reputation. In
expressions of love and caring.
loss of the identity that has helped you function in the world.
health,
Why would we believe that our loved ones will return, if we know that’s not true?
it is because your loved one existed that certain neurons fire together and certain proteins are folded in your brain in particular ways.
they still physically exist—in the wiring of the neurons of your brain.
memories of the funeral, these memories may help us a little in untangling our own magical thinking;
episodic memories; they are detailed memories of a specific event.
episodic memory and habit, on the one hand, conflict with implicit magical thinking created through attachment, on the other hand, and this conflict leads to the extended period of time that grieving takes.
Resolving incompatible beliefs interferes with learning.
time off from grieving can give your mind and your body a break from the stress of the emotional upheaval.
The key to coping well after you lose someone is flexibility, attending to what is happening day-to-day, and also being able to focus on coping with whichever stressor has currently reared its ugly head.
That means that resilience is the most typical pattern of grieving, showing that most people who experience the death of a loved one do not experience depression at any time point. Frankly,
Our cognitive capacity to keep memories, make plans, remember who we are, and imagine the future may help us restore a meaningful life.
Grieving is very mentally demanding. The mental capacity to plan for the future after the death of a loved one requires us to draw on our past experiences, generate and anticipate possible outcomes, and keep our larger values, goals, and desires in mind—all while considering our present circumstances and our general knowledge of the world. Integrating all of this information into a coherent plan that we can act on requires quite a lot of cognitive capacity!
harder to adjust to loss with less cognitive capacity.
skills to move flexibly in and out of these feelings.
The strength of her feelings of love made her realize that what still held them together wasn’t her cooking, but rather a deep bond that could never disappear.
Powerful chemicals and neural connections tried to prevent me from leaving the safety and love that I knew. Even with the good fortune of knowing I would see her again, I will never forget that powerful feeling of separation.
