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January 8 - February 19, 2024
These investigations revealed that even in such technical lines as engineering, about 15 percent of one’s financial success is due to one’s technical knowledge and about 85 percent is due to skill in human engineering—to personality and the ability to lead people.
Since no such book existed, I have tried to write one for use in my own courses. And here it is. I hope you like it.
“Education,” said Dr. John G. Hibben, former president of Princeton University, “is the ability to meet life’s situations.” If by the time you have finished reading the first three chapters of this book—if you aren’t then a little better equipped to meet life’s situations—then I shall consider this book to be a total failure so far as you are concerned. For “the great aim of education,” said Herbert Spencer, the English sociologist and philosopher, “is not knowledge but action.” And this is an action book.
“I learned thirty years ago that it is foolish to scold. I have enough trouble overcoming my own limitations without fretting over the fact that God has not seen fit to distribute evenly the gift of intelligence.”
Criticism is futile because it puts people on the defensive and usually makes them strive to justify themselves. Criticism is dangerous because it wounds a person’s precious pride, hurts their sense of importance, and arouses resentment.
B. F. Skinner, the world-famous psychologist, proved through his experiments that an animal rewarded for good behavior will learn much more rapidly and retain what it learns far more effectively than an animal punished for bad behavior. Later studies showed that the same applies to humans. By criticizing, we do not make lasting changes, and often incur resentment.
And when Mrs. Lincoln and others spoke harshly of the Southern people, Lincoln replied: “Don’t criticize them; they are just what we would be under similar circumstances.”
Meade never saw that letter. Lincoln never mailed it. It was found among his papers after his death.
The writing of these stinging letters made Mark Twain feel better. They allowed him to blow off steam, and the letters didn’t do any real harm, because Mark Twain’s wife secretly lifted them out of the mail. They were never sent.
Do you know someone you would like to change and regulate and improve? Good! That is fine. I am all in favor of it. But why not begin on yourself? From a purely selfish standpoint, that is a lot more profitable than trying to improve others—yes, and a lot less dangerous. “Don’t complain about the snow on your neighbor’s roof,” said Confucius, “when your own doorstep is unclean.”
When dealing with people, let us remember we are not dealing with creatures of logic. We are dealing with creatures of emotion, creatures bristling with prejudices and motivated by pride and vanity.
Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain—and most fools do.
Try leaving a friendly trail of little sparks of gratitude on your daily trips. You will be surprised how they will set small flames of friendship that will be rose beacons on your next visit.
You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in people than you can in two years by trying to get people interested in you.
A long time ago, a hundred years before Christ was born, a Roman poet, Publilius Syrus, remarked: “We are interested in others when they are interested in us.”
That is why dogs make such a hit. They are so glad to see us that they almost jump out of their skins. So, naturally, we are glad to see them.
“Action seems to follow feeling, but really action and feeling go together; and by regulating the action, which is under the more direct control of the will, we can indirectly regulate the feeling, which is not.
If we are so contemptibly selfish that we can’t radiate a little happiness and pass on a bit of honest appreciation without trying to get something out of the other person in return—if our souls are no bigger than sour crab apples, we shall meet with the failure we so richly deserve.
Little phrases such as “I’m sorry to trouble you,” “Would you be so kind as to ———?” “Won’t you please?” “Would you mind?” “Thank you”: Little courtesies like these oil the cogs of the monotonous grind of everyday life—and, incidentally, they are the hallmark of good breeding.
The unvarnished truth is that almost all the people you meet feel themselves superior to you in some way, and a sure path to their hearts is to let them realize in some subtle way that you recognize their importance, and recognize it sincerely.
“It’s beautiful. Well built. Roomy. You know, they don’t build houses like this anymore.”
Always avoid the acute angle.”
As Lord Chesterfield said to his son: “Be wiser than other people if you can; but do not tell them so.”
To put it differently and perhaps more clearly, people are honest and want to discharge their obligations. The exceptions to that rule are comparatively few, and I am convinced that the individuals who are inclined to chisel will in most cases react favorably if you make them feel that you consider them honest, upright, and fair.”
Dramatize your ideas.
Let Charles Schwab say it in his own words: “The way to get things done,” says Schwab, “is to stimulate competition. I do not mean in a sordid, money-getting way, but in the desire to excel.” The desire to excel! The challenge! Throwing down the gauntlet! An infallible way of appealing to people of spirit.
“I have never found,” said Harvey S. Firestone, founder of the great Firestone Tire and Rubber Company, “that pay and pay alone would either bring together or hold good people. I think it was the game itself.”
IN A NUTSHELL Win People to Your Way of Thinking PRINCIPLE 1 The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it. PRINCIPLE 2 Show respect for the other person’s opinions. Never say, “You’re wrong.” PRINCIPLE 3 If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically. PRINCIPLE 4 Begin in a friendly way. PRINCIPLE 5 Get the other person saying “Yes, yes” immediately. PRINCIPLE 6 Let the other person do a great deal of the talking. PRINCIPLE 7 Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers. PRINCIPLE 8 Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view. PRINCIPLE 9 Be
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And while there are tactful ways to say what you want, there is one three-letter word that destroys that intention: the word “but.” It is poison. It delivers criticism in the guise of a compliment and subtly cloaks the true meaning of a statement.
