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Her modus operandi was always to choose the middle way.
hangxiety
it’s a revelation for my usual people-pleasing self.
overthink
This time I don’t see it as a way to get from point A to B. I think of where I want to be within it. The room is my setting,
brain gerbils rouse themselves to start doing their laps on
the wheel around my head.
The humor plucked out the remaining sting.
“If you weren’t only half, I’d think you were a real Chinese.”
squicky
there’s one thing I’ve been taught, it’s that you find meaning and value from life through yourself, not a man or anyone. Independence is the pinnacle, and while a man can be a companion, it’s a grave mistake to think he can be your center. You should never be a satellite orbiting your own life.
Catastrophizing is such a bitch.
my knee is jiggling as I try to chill out.
“You can write a movie. A screenplay of your own, telling the story you want.
“No one else can be you. No one else can tell your story like you. You are unique, so write the movie you want to see.”
“To have a project to absorb him will be wonderful.” The mom disappears and Jessica
This day has drained me,
life is like one of those stars you make by drawing a line up, down and to the sides. Love, health, wealth, family, and work sit on the angles, and if one goes well, it pulls to the side and the lines contract. Love and family life great? Bet you get fired. Excellent new job? Guess who’s getting dumped. Everything hovering in equilibrium? Things are boring. It’s like life doesn’t have enough space to expand those lines so you can experience all you want all at once.
inner people pleaser,
lying liar who lies.
Be normal, Gracie.
I’m spiraling. “That’s not acting. I’m mimicking.”
It’s been a weird day.
two
How? SSRI
Long may we prosper.”
Humor
“Gracie, you are perfect as you are. It’s not a bad thing to want to keep peace in your life and care for the people in it. That a bad person can manipulate it doesn’t mean it’s wrong. To be kind and generous is a gift.”
“No, you’re braver than you want to believe,” she says. She eyes me. “You like to
pretend you’re not bold because it’s an excuse to not stretch yourself.”
hand combs over my hair, short and stiff with product, before giving my earring a slight tug and running the hem of my shirt through my fingers. I grab the back of a chair. My thoughts begin to slow. A siren wails from the street outside and the refrigerator hums in the corner. In the hall, I hear someone laugh. The room smells of the candles I lit last night, a rich lavender, mixed with the purple hyacinth scent from the perfume drawer of wonders. Finally, I run my tongue over my lip and taste the synthetic fruit of my lip balm.
5 senses
can watch cat videos in peace
Plus it’s a scientific fact I made up that 98.9 percent of internet searches are only mindless surfing.” “Anjali…”
