The Stand-In

by Lily Chu

I admit it. I love lists. I crave them. I draw visceral pleasure from anything I can put a line through, a check beside, or delete as a declaration that I have Completed a Task and am therefore a worthy, functioning human.

The first day after I get fired, I lie in bed and stare at the ceiling. The second day after I get fired, I brush my teeth and very carefully, without looking at it, tuck the termination letter facedown under a pile of laundry. Then I call a bomb threat in to Todd’s office. I wish. Instead I go back to bed, pull the covers up, and watch Netflix until my eyes burn. I don’t remember which shows.

She pulls her black hair behind her shoulders. “You have two things on this list.” “Yep.” “Brush teeth,” she reads. “Find job.” “I can check off the first one.” I brushed my teeth before she came over, and now the wine tastes terrible. “I should change the second to ‘find money.’ I could win the lottery.”

I pick up the book I’m reading and hesitate. I’ve never not finished a book, and although this one is trying my patience, I’m almost done. I should see it through. It might get better. I toss it in my bag. Then I take it out. New Gracie isn’t going to waste her time on a book she doesn’t like. I don’t owe the book anything.

I think of Todd and shiver. My fear of him… Wait. Fear? Was I scared of him? It’s such a big word, more suited to a life-or-death situation than his kind of garden-variety assholeness, but the word sits right. I’d been scared, but to be honest, it wasn’t only Todd’s actions but my own reactions that frightened me. I’d freeze when he approached me. What did that say about me that I didn’t stop him?

“There are enough people in the world ready to put you down. Do you need to join them?”

if there’s one thing I’ve been taught, it’s that you find meaning and value from life through yourself, not a man or anyone. Independence is the pinnacle, and while a man can be a companion, it’s a grave mistake to think he can be your center. You should never be a satellite orbiting your own life.

“No one else can be you. No one else can tell your story like you. You are unique, so write the movie you want to see.”

The trigger is irrelevant. Once the idea you can do something occurs to you, that’s all that matters.

In movies and books, women seem to have a “you go, girl” squad-posse of personal cheerleaders but that’s not how my life turned out. Most of the time, it’s not an issue but today all I want is a person, my person, who I can call and who will drop everything to be by my side.

Why is it so hard to say no to everyone except myself?

It’s not a bad thing to want to keep peace in your life and care for the people in it. That a bad person can manipulate it doesn’t mean it’s wrong. To be kind and generous is a gift.”

Help isn’t anything to be ashamed of and it doesn’t take away from my independence.

I need to matter.

I do worry about bothering people. I worry about taking too much space, too much time, too much attention. Maybe I shouldn’t. Maybe it’s possible to take up the perfect amount.

there can be people in our lives who take on more of a presence and influence than they deserve.