The Stand-In

by Lily Chu

You better hold it together and handle your shit because you need the money.

Anjali swirls the wine. “To be expected. Would you like some advice or to figure it out yourself?” She’s being good, asking before piling in, and it’s not her usual approach. I laugh and my throat feels rusty. “How hard was that to do?” “So fucking hard.” She grins. “I’m getting better. The life coach is helping me be more intentional and think before I act because apparently not everyone wants me butting into their business.”

hangxiety

pick up the book I’m reading and hesitate. I’ve never not finished a book, and although this one is trying my patience, I’m almost done. I should see it through. It might get better. I toss it in my bag.

New Gracie isn’t going to waste her time on a book she doesn’t like. I don’t owe the book anything. I

Am I expected to loaf around in clothes with non-stretchy waistbands like some sort of animal?

I overthink things on good days, so this advice could well blast me right out of orbit. Think about things more than I do?

She’s always had a very soft energy, and I close my eyes to let it wash away the wretched shame left over from last night. Mom energy, man. When it works, it works good.

I lean my head against the door and ask the universe for guidance. It does not deliver.

More unwelcome news because if there’s one thing I’ve been taught, it’s that you find meaning and value from life through yourself, not a man or anyone. Independence is the pinnacle, and while a man can be a companion, it’s a grave mistake to think he can be your center. You should never be a satellite orbiting your own life. Mom drilled this in me from childhood but did she live that philosophy? She was bereft when Dad died.

“They were great.” He fixes his collar and smiles so big his dimples appear. “You did well to suggest writing to that boy. Laurence. I could see in his face that it was like a door in his mind had been opened.” “He wanted to do it because Wei Fangli told him he could,” I burst out. “I’m not Fangli. It was a fraud.” Sam’s dimples vanish. “The trigger is irrelevant. Once the idea you can do something occurs to you, that’s all that matters. Who cares who twists the handle for Laurence as long as he can walk through the door?” “It’s not right,” I say, digging in. “The ends don’t justify the means.” “I disagree,” he says. “A positive outcome can come from a negative path.”

“I want fries.” “As long as they’re not sweet potato.” “Those are a travesty.”

“Gracie, you are perfect as you are. It’s not a bad thing to want to keep peace in your life and care for the people in it. That a bad person can manipulate it doesn’t mean it’s wrong. To be kind and generous is a gift.”

“Gracie, I’ve never forced a moment. I’m going to sit here. What happens next is up to you.” He doesn’t even have time to finish before I’m on him. His hands come up to catch me around the waist, turning us to lean against the back of the seats. Kissing Sam is like nothing I’ve experienced. When Riley kissed me, it was always as if it was preparation for the main event. Sam kisses me as if it’s the destination, not the journey. He’s teasing, layering tiny kisses on the corners of my mouth before he captures my lower lip with his. Then he lets me go.

“No, you’re braver than you want to believe,” she says. She eyes me. “You like to pretend you’re not bold because it’s an excuse to not stretch yourself.”

Help isn’t anything to be ashamed of and it doesn’t take away from my independence.