The Stand-In

by Lily Chu

I admit it. I love lists. I crave them. I draw visceral pleasure from anything I can put a line through, a check beside, or delete as a declaration that I have Completed a Task and am therefore a worthy, functioning human.

How dare he look so good? Someone that attractive should have a little horn they toot to prepare normals like me for their arrival.

Fuck-you money is the money you save for whenever you need to tell your boss or your partner where to go as you blow out the door.

Am I expected to loaf around in clothes with non-stretchy waistbands like some sort of animal? These are clothes you wear to be seen. I pull out a dress so elegantly

“I can’t describe it better than that. Each movement is a decision. You don’t simply walk. You decide every step, every tilt of your head. You think of how you want to look and you make that happen. Your awareness has to be external—what are people seeing? What do you want them to see?”

“Once art is out of the artist’s hands, it’s up to the viewer to determine meaning.” “I disagree.” “You do?” He raises those fine slanted eyebrows. “Isolationism is passé.” I give a theatrical sniff and toss my wealth of fake hair. “You need to consider the context of the work and intent. Art isn’t created in a vacuum.”

“Yet interpretation is mediated by the experiences and values of the viewer.” I’m getting into this. “Which are in turn affected by knowledge of the artist’s intention. Is ‘viewer’ even the correct word? Viewing implies distance and lack of engagement. Art should move us from viewing to active participation.”

Now it’s my job to make attention my bitch.

We might not be friends, but in this moment, he’s the one in my corner.

“There are enough people in the world ready to put you down. Do you need to join them?”

I try to imagine being this famous. “Do you like it?” “It’s not a matter of like or not. It’s what it is. I need to act because I want to be remembered for something, for this life to mean something.” She

if there’s one thing I’ve been taught, it’s that you find meaning and value from life through yourself, not a man or anyone. Independence is the pinnacle, and while a man can be a companion, it’s a grave mistake to think he can be your center. You should never be a satellite orbiting your own life.

“No one else can be you. No one else can tell your story like you. You are unique, so write the movie you want to see.”

keep peace in your life and care for the people in it. That a bad person can manipulate it doesn’t mean it’s wrong. To be kind and generous is a gift.”

This makes sense when he lays it out like that. “You could be pretending to like me because you want to get laid.” His entire face creases in disgust. “Please. If meaningless sex was the only thing on my mind, I wouldn’t have a problem acquiring it.” True enough. Sexiest Man in the World and all that. “However,” he adds, “I’m excited to know you’re considering the possibility.”

Kissing Sam is like nothing I’ve experienced. When Riley kissed me, it was always as if it was preparation for the main event. Sam kisses me as if it’s the destination, not the journey.

“That the largest living thing on earth is a fungus?”

Help isn’t anything to be ashamed of and it doesn’t take away from my independence. “I want one thing in return.”

I worry about taking too much space, too much time, too much attention. Maybe I shouldn’t. Maybe it’s possible to take up the perfect amount.

“I think I’m falling in love with you,” he says in a rush. “No, I know I am. I should have told you sooner.”