More on this book
Community
Kindle Notes & Highlights
by
Devon Price
Read between
May 17 - July 31, 2024
When Autistic people attempt to socialize and bond with others in an affable, enthusiastic way, these are often the very traits we embody. Even as we try to put the neurotypical people around us at ease by smiling, keeping the conversation moving, and staying present, we might be seen as scary or unsettling.
Autistic people tend to love infodumping (sharing knowledge with other people as a means of bonding), we miss social cues that seem obvious to others, and we tend to speak in monotonous voices that are read as dry or sarcastic. A lot of us find the natural flow of conversation challenging, either interrupting people at the “wrong” times, or failing to jump in during a fast-paced exchange and being left out entirely. For these and other reasons, Autistic women (particularly women of color) are often viewed as cold or “bitchy,” and Autistic men are often mistaken for being condescending
...more
In many ways, masking is psychologically similar to codependency, a relational pattern of seeking to manage or control the reactions and emotions of other people that usually results from abuse.
Often, when a person from the majority group encounters information that runs against their stereotypes of an oppressed group, they respond by either discounting the information (for example, by saying “you’re not really that Autistic!”) or by subgrouping the people who deviate from stereotypes (for example, by telling them “you’re not like those other Autistic people, the ones who are really impaired. You’re one of the smart ones!”).
In his writing about Autistic fawning and people pleasing, Samuel Dylan Finch describes how he used to push genuine friendships away. He associated loving a person with working hard to keep them happy. Conversely, if someone was consistently warm and giving, Samuel didn’t trust it. He didn’t think he could reciprocate real affection.
“For people-pleasers, we’re so used to working endlessly hard in relationships—it’s disorienting when we aren’t asked to.”
Developmental psychology research has observed that Autistic people often have insecure attachments to other people, beginning from a very young age.8 A person’s attachment patterns are shaped by their early relationships, particularly the stability of their bond with their primary caregiver. The quality of a person’s early attachments also tend to predict the quality of their later relationships, both romantic and otherwise, and their ability to accept comfort and emotional support from other people.
People with an anxious-ambivalent attachment are difficult to soothe and reassure, and don’t see close loved ones as a safe, “secure base” they can find comfort in when lost
or threatened. As adults, people who are anxious-ambivalent tend to get into patterns of intense emotional dependency, combined with insecurity. They yearn to be accepted yet doubt that they can be. When other people try to connect with us, we rebuff them without even realizing it.
Furthermore, many of the signs of having an insecure attachment style are difficult to distinguish from neurodivergence (and from being traumatized after living in a neurotypical world).
One way that an insecure attachment style sometimes manifests in Autistic adults is feeling discomfort when receiving praise or attention. You may not even recognize the positive attention you’re getting is socially appropriate, because you’re so used to being mocked or picked apart, or else being swallowed up in intense or abusive relationships.
When someone gives you a compliment, do you feel like you have to downplay it?
When someone gives you positive attention, do you feel creeped out?
Are you afraid that kind, loving people deserve “better” than to be friends with you?
Do you have a hard time showing people that you like them?
I figured every compliment I received was me being “negged”—a tactic where people highlight your difference or offer a backhanded compliment in order to make you feel insecure.
It’s challenging for Autistic people to tell the difference between friends who genuinely like us, and superficial acquaintances who are responding favorably to our masks. One way to probe the difference, though, is to look at people who have stuck around when you haven’t been
per...
This highlight has been truncated due to consecutive passage length restrictions.
Who do I feel comfortable expressing disagreement to?
Who helps me think about my opinions and choices in a nonjudgmental way?
Who tells me honestly when I’ve hurt them, and gives me a real oppo...
This highlight has been truncated due to consecutive passage length restrictions.
Who leaves me feeling rejuvenated or inspired?
Who brings out the wild, playful side of me?
These friends are also typically the people I can share messy emotions or half-formed opinions with, and who I feel comfortable being weird, petty, or silly around.
Who do I force myself to spend time with, out of a sense of obligation or guilt? 2. Who do I feel I have to earn the approval of? 3. Who makes me feel insecure and not good enough? 4. Who do I find exhausting to be around? 5. Who do I edit or censor myself around?
Often, the people who fall into this category are outgoing and do give me a lot of attention, but only in a surface-level way. They may show an interest in me, but their questions feel pointed, or like a test. Being around them doesn’t help me relax and unmask; it puts me on edge. Some of them are people whom I really find funny or interesting, but whom I’ve witnessed ostracize or punish others for making a single social error or single choice they disagreed with.
The more time you spend with your “strawberry people,” the more socially fluent you’ll feel, and the less you’ll associate human contact with having to put on a stressful, phony performance. Quality time with nonthreatening people can also help you develop social skills that carry over into other relationships, too.
they help to justify conceiving of Autism as a developmental disability or delay.
As an Autistic person, you may never escape social anxiety entirely, and you might always be a bit reactive to the threat of abandonment.
Autistic people usually prefer explicit, clear messages that don’t rely on tone or nonverbal cues. We like having specific expectations laid out for
us, and being given many opportunities to ask questions and clarify meaning. When we share these needs with the allistic people around us, our relationships can open up, allowing for much greater depth and breadth of connection. When we accept the unique features and strengths of our communication style, we can also feel a lot less socially inept and disempowered.
when two Autistic people were paired together to work on a task, they were very efficient social communicators.
They spread a lot of knowledge and nuance in a short span of time, completed the task quickly, and connected to one another easily.12 However, when paired with non-Autistic conversation partners, Autistics were frequently misunderstood and not listened to. This study suggests that much of what researchers consider the “social deficits” of Autism aren’t really deficits at all; they’re just differences in our communication style that neurotypicals don’t adjust to.
“Going into a new roommate situation I’ll tell the person, I cannot always do the dishes,” Reese says. “Like they’re not going to be done, and you cannot expect that from me. If this is a problem, we cannot live together.”
Sometimes Autistic people believe that the end goal of unmasking is to overcome all internalized stigma and live completely free of shame. I don’t think that’s a realistic standard to hold ourselves to. Ableism is a pervasive social force, and one we can’t entirely escape; what we can do, however, is learn to observe it as a cultural values system that exists outside of us, and that often runs counter to our personal values. The voice in my head that tells me it’s pathetic that I don’t cook is not my voice; it’s society programming, speaking from within me, and I don’t have to listen to it.
...more
“People say that the internet is a world for Autistics, built by Autistic people,” she says. “But most IRL nerdy and kinky subcultures are, too. It takes an Autistic level of passion to put these things together. And a resolve to let one’s freak flag fly.”
Research shows that when we are around fellow neurodiverse people, Autistics feel far more socially at ease.24 We also crave friendship and belonging to the same degree that allistics do.25 Though non-Autistic people mistakenly get the impression that we aren’t interested in socializing, most of us are fighting to find acceptance every day of our lives. When we spend time with one another, it’s far easier for us to get those social needs met in a way that feels genuine and easy.
In fact, categorizing gay people as sick created the illusion that they actually were mentally ill, because ostracism and shame does frequently contribute to depression, anxiety, substance use, and self-harming behaviors, among other psychological issues.
At present, the Autistic people (or anyone who is neurodiverse) who have the greatest freedom to unmask are the ones who otherwise have the most powerful social position.
Their daily schedules, attire, and even emotional displays are all tightly controlled when they are at work. All too often, they must plaster a smile on their face, swallow their pain, and incur significant psychological damage in order to stay employed.
scrunch my face into all kinds of grumpy expressions
Emotions that are too large, passions that are too childish and not profitable, habits that are too repetitive, and bodies and minds that require daily assistance all challenge this incredibly narrow definition of health.
For example, in societies where daily life offered less stimulation and novelty than a life of hunting and gathering did, ADHD traits turned disadvantageous.
Intense studying of a new favorite topic
Not noticing sounds or social signals when focusing on an engrossing task
Needing to know exactly what to expect before entering an unfamiliar situation
Spending hours or days alone sleeping and recharging after a socially demanding event or stressful project
Needing “all the information” before coming to a decision
Needing a rule or instruction to “make sense” before they can follow it
Not putting energy toward expectations that seem unfair or arbitrary, such as wearing makeup or elaborate grooming
