Artemis

by Andy Weir

My cart is a pain in the ass to control, but it’s good at carrying heavy things. So I decided it was male.

People will trust a reliable criminal more readily than a shady businessman.

But by the end of it I had a plan. And like all good plans, it required a crazy Ukrainian guy.

to the workshop of Dad’s colleague Zsóka Stróbl, who was apparently named during a severe vowel famine.

I knew what I had to do—I just didn’t like it. I’d have to blow the remaining two at the same time. Please don’t quote that last sentence out of context.

“Barkeep! Some little girl thinks she can outdrink me. We’ll need six pints—three for the gay and three for the goy.”

“If this is turning into a ‘You have so much potential’ lecture, just shoot me instead, okay?”

“Damn, you’re good at this. You created an economy for Kenya and now you’re doing it for us. You’re a true hero. I should really be more grateful—oh that’s right you fucking sold me out!”

few people get a chance to quantify how much their father loves them. But I did. The job should have taken forty-five minutes, but Dad spent three and a half hours on it. My father loves me 366 percent more than he loves anything else.

“On a scale from one to ‘invade Russia in winter,’ how stupid is this plan?”

happy.” He let us both go, but kept a wary eye on me. Somehow he assumed I was the aggressor. Just because I wanted to claw that bitch’s eyes out and shove them up her urethra.

“In Bob Lewis’s rover?” “They’re buddies. They lend each other stuff.” “With Loretta Sanchez?” “Maybe they’re dating,” I said. “Shapiro’s gay.” “Maybe he’s not very good at it.”

“It’s all part of the life-cycle of an economy. First it’s lawless capitalism until that starts to impede growth. Next comes regulation, law enforcement, and taxes. After that: public benefits and entitlements. Then, finally, overexpenditure and collapse.”