He Who Fights with Monsters 5 (He Who Fights with Monsters, #5)

by Shirtaloon

“I’ll meet who?” “My friend who died.” “She’s not dead anymore?” “She got better. Eventually. I come back much quicker than she did every time I die.” “What?”

“I’ve gone native? You were frying giant worm meat in a village stall on your second day in my world.”

Ruth didn't look like a Russian bodybuilder so much as like she’d eaten a Russian bodybuilder and wanted to fist-fight a bear to work off the carbs.

“Jason,” she said. “Did I ever tell you that you were my favourite grandchild?” “No, Grandmother.” “Good, because you’re not. You are coming along, though.”

“I’m just an ordinary bloke with vast cosmic power, trying to get by.”

“You’re telling me that this thing is a bag of holding?” Jason narrowed his eyes at her. “Do you play Dungeons & Dragons?” Her face froze for an instant before she schooled it back into a mask. “No.”

“Stop talking like a cowboy.” “Counter proposal,” Jason said in an increasingly sketchy American accent. “What if I double down and get a big hat?”

With each new body, Shade’s intimidating aura grew stronger, until the last body finally appeared and his aura vanished, like a magic trick. The light returned to the hall, the ambient cloud house lighting that was familiar. The dark bodies rushed in a wave, vanishing into Jason’s shadow until only one remained, standing in front of him. “Another step forward,” Jason said. “Yet many are to come,” Shade answered. “This world is large and not the only one demanding your attention. And beyond them lies the infinite.” “That’s a little above my rank, right now,” Jason said. “Since when did that ever stop you?”

They’ve been showing off a bunch of second-rate supermen but they’ve forgotten that people like Batman more. Asano is an Australian, multicultural, yobbo Bruce Wayne.”

“We have proof!” “So does climate change and how’s that going? If I hear anyone on our side peddling a line about the EOA being behind this, I will personally have wild monkey sex with your father.” “My father’s dead, you arsehole.” “Then he won’t struggle, will he? Get back to work.”

“I’m beginning to understand why the Builder was so caught up in killing someone as insignificant as you.” “Rude.”

“To help with that, I've set up a video chat with the EOA defector in the US before you meet with the reporters. It should give you some ammunition.” “Yeah? Thanks, Terry. I genuinely appreciate that.” “Enough to consider how we introduce you to the press?” “No. I do not practise sword-fighting with no shirt on.” “It'd be a great visual. Pouring a bottle of water over yourself after working up a sweat.” “I don't sweat.” “You don't sweat?” “No.” “We could make it look like you sweat. I could rub oil on you.” “You know, I thought it was strange when your sister gave me the number for the Network's human resources department. Now I get it.”

Still with one arm slung over Aram's shoulders as they headed for the plane, Jason used his other arm to punch the air triumphantly. “Manliness!”

As he looked down at the mess, he failed to see any trace of what was attacking his monsters, what had forced him to escape them. Then a jolt passed through him as he realised that he wasn’t being attacked at all. He was being hunted.

Jason didn’t even feel the blow that killed him, clawed fingers burying themselves in his head. His body dissolved into darkness, taking the form of a large bird filled with sparks of stellar light.

“Everyone else got misery and death,” Jason said. “I get strength and power? How is that fair?” “You can be a fool of the highest order, Jason Asano, but even you’re not fool enough to think the cosmos is fair.” “It should be.” “If you don’t like the way of things, then change them. All you need is enough power.”

“I trust Jason with my life,” Farrah said. “You probably would too, but the heart is a whole other thing. You’re ready to start exploring that, but it’s just that: the start. You are where you should be.” “Thank you,” Asya said disconsolately. “You should totally pin him down and knock one out, though,” Farrah said. “He’s stressed and you’re so horny it’s leaking out of your aura, even with that suppression bracelet.” While Asya looked scandalised, Farrah threw her the best impish Jason grin she could muster and ducked through the arch.

“Nice to see you embrace the ‘I’m coming to kill your children’ look,” Farrah said.

“Mr Tiwari,” Jason asked Souta. “Does Itsuki have a poster of me on his wall?” “I don’t,” Itsuki said unconvincingly. “It’s the one where I’m on the roof of a building like Batman, isn’t it? I always thought that one was over the top.” “That one was your idea,” Shade said. “Quiet, you.”

“After all this time, it’s not how this moment was meant to go.” “I wouldn’t worry about it,” Jason said. “Star Wars fans feel like this every time a new movie comes out.”

“I don’t think he’s like that,” Itsuki said. “Look at the things he’s done. It’s clear how hard he’s trying to be a good man.” “Exactly,” Koya said. “Good men don’t have to try.”

The opposite of good is easy. That may have been the moral of the last Harry Potter book, now that I think about it. Anyway, people don’t do bad things because there is some antagonistic force driving them to sin. They do them because when the right thing is hard, making little compromises doesn’t seem so bad. A shortcut here, a little selfishness when no one will ever know. Every step makes the next one a little easier.”

The third person was Ian, Erika’s husband. Farrah had been surprised at how easily Ian had entered the vault and asked him about it. “I’ve known Jason since he was twelve years old,” Ian had told her. “I’ve seen him at his highest and his lowest points. At the end of the day, what matters is that I know he would do anything for my little girl. We’re here right now because Jason doesn’t trust himself to choose the entire world over my wife and daughter. What matters next to that?”

The three Japanese members of the team, Akari, Mei and Itsuki, looked on as the others continued to rib Jason. “Are they always like this?” Mei asked her sister. “It seems very disrespectful.” “I believe it’s an Australian cultural practice,” Akari said. “You get used to it.” “Do you really?” Itsuki asked. “Not really,” Akari admitted. “They’re all very strange.” “I thought Miss Hurin was from another universe, not Australia.” “She seems quite proficient at assimilating.”

“So, ah, has Asya talked to you yet?” Greg asked. “About going to the other world?” “Yeah.” “She has. Have you both been working up to ask me?” “We figured one of us should soften you up by sleeping with you first,” Greg said. “I won’t lie: I’m glad she volunteered.” Jason burst out laughing.

“I know Salzburg has an old-world charm,” Jason said, “but there weren’t centaurs around when we were in Austria, right?” “There were,” Dawn said. “Like other members of the Cabal, they have become experts at hiding their presence over the centuries.” “They’d have to,” Jason said. “You can’t hide being half-horse with a pair of extra-loose slacks. My friend Craig once told me that all Cabal members can pass as human, shape-change into humans or otherwise have the means to remain hidden from the world. Usually a combination of illusion powers and isolation. Hillfolk, haunted houses, mysterious things in the woods and so on.”

“I don’t know how they make it,” Franklin said. “I got a glimpse of one of their magic rocks. I’d rather be well out of all this, to be frank. Which I am.” “Still with that joke, Frank? You’ve been telling it for, what? Forty, fifty years? Has anyone ever laughed?”

“I'm gettin' good at me powers,” Orange said. “I've been practising like Instructor Hot Stuff taught us.” “You’re a pig, Orange,” Darce said. “I only call her that because of her volcano powers,” Orange said. “Do I also want to bang her like a drum? Yes, I do, but I'm a gentleman.”

“God damn it, Bryan,” Vermillion yelled. “Give me the damn stuff.” “I’m not responding to that name.” “Are you…” Craig bit back his words. “Night Stalker,” he said through gritted teeth. “Can you please give Frank the stuff?”