He Who Fights with Monsters 5 (He Who Fights with Monsters, #5)

by Shirtaloon

“We've been instructed to extend you every courtesy, Mr Asano. By all means, feel free to immediately depart via the aperture.” “Well, gee, Shelia. You almost make a guy feel unwanted.” “I’ve been specifically directed not to express that sentiment.” “Oh, you have?” “Yes.” “Someone felt the need to go out of their way to tell you to not tell me that my presence was unwanted?” “They did.” “They mustn’t be aware of our great dynamic.” “Actually, I’ve been quite clear on that issue in my reports, Mr Asano. The aperture is right there, so please go ahead and use it.”

You’ll meet her soon; she’s on her way here now.” “I’ll meet who?” “My friend who died.” “She’s not dead anymore?” “She got better. Eventually. I come back much quicker than she did every time I die.” “What?”

“This is my sister, Erika, her husband, Ian, and their daughter, um…” Jason took on an absent-minded expression, then his face lit up with recollection. “…Ellie,” he said. “This is my niece, Ellie.”

You just love throwing the wildest stuff at them and watching them get confused.”

same lol

“Jason,” she said. “Did I ever tell you that you were my favourite grandchild?” “No, Grandmother.” “Good, because you’re not. You are coming along, though.”

“Dimensional bag. Bigger on the inside.” She held it up in front of her, looking at it with a sceptical expression. “You’re telling me that this thing is a bag of holding?” Jason narrowed his eyes at her. “Do you play Dungeons & Dragons?” Her face froze for an instant before she schooled it back into a mask. “No.”

“How much of this are you following?” he asked her. “It's best not to try with Jason. Just let him run around, nod occasionally and wait for him to tire himself out.” “Kind of like a toddler.” “Exactly like a toddler.”

“You just explained to your publicity guy how all the people that crossed you died horribly. Now he thinks that if he's mean to your niece, you're going to kill him and bury him out in the bush.” “That's actually not what I was thinking,” Terrance said. “I am now, though.” “Don't be ridiculous,” Jason said. “I wouldn't bury him out in the bush. I'd feed him to Colin.” “You didn't show Colin to the reporters, did you?” Farrah asked. “Of course not; you know what Colin's like. He's super friendly but also a terrifying apocalypse monster that feeds on blood and flesh.” “What about Terrance's bones?” Erika asked. “Colin's a little trooper, so I'm sure he'd manage,” Jason said. “He's got all those teeth, remember?”

you have a nasty habit of getting confident first and informed second.

“Why exactly are people trying to kill you?” Yumi asked. “They probably met him,” Dawn said. “Rude,” Jason said.

“Your dying wish is me ragging on Mum? Done.”