He Who Fights with Monsters 5 (He Who Fights with Monsters, #5)

by Shirtaloon

“I’ll meet who?” “My friend who died.” “She’s not dead anymore?” “She got better. Eventually. I come back much quicker than she did every time I die.” “What?”

Ellie,” he said. “This is my niece, Ellie.” “Bête comme ses pieds,” Emi said to him. “What do you mean, dumb as my feet?” Jason asked. “It’s a French insult,” Chloe said after snorting a laugh. Jason turned to Ian. “Sorry, I didn’t ask,” he said. “How’s your French, Ian?” “It’s fine, isn’t it, dear?” Erika said in French. “Er… oui,” Ian said.

“You know, Jason,” Farrah said, “the Network doesn’t like you just arbitrarily offering magic to people.” “Tell them that I don’t like that they occasionally try to kill and/or kidnap me,” Jason said. “She told them to stick it up their—” “Emi!” Erika scolded.

“I’ve gone native? You were frying giant worm meat in a village stall on your second day in my world.”

Ruth didn't look like a Russian bodybuilder so much as like she’d eaten a Russian bodybuilder and wanted to fist-fight a bear to work off the carbs.

“Jason,” she said. “Did I ever tell you that you were my favourite grandchild?” “No, Grandmother.” “Good, because you’re not. You are coming along, though.”

They’ve been showing off a bunch of second-rate supermen but they’ve forgotten that people like Batman more. Asano is an Australian, multicultural, yobbo Bruce Wayne.”

“We have proof!” “So does climate change and how’s that going? If I hear anyone on our side peddling a line about the EOA being behind this, I will personally have wild monkey sex with your father.” “My father’s dead, you arsehole.” “Then he won’t struggle, will he? Get back to work.”

“You let me hit you, didn't you?” “It was something you needed to get out of your system. I didn't think you would do it hard enough to kill me, and I certainly didn’t think you would loot the body.” “Well, I had been drinking. And I really, really wanted to punch you in the face.”

“He said that great adventurers are the ones that turn opportunity into fortune. Or something like that. The point is that when the same thing keeps happening, good or bad, eventually, you have to accept that it’s not luck. It’s you.”

My biggest worry is that she’s more invested than I am, emotionally. I’m not saying I don’t feel anything, but she’s further down that road than I am.” “Baby brother, it doesn’t matter where you are now. It matters where you’re going. If you both end up in the same place, then great. If not, then you have bigger concerns than a relationship that didn’t work.

“Always either be modest or wildly self-aggrandising. Avoid anything in between, for there lies mediocrity.” “That’s… an unusual perspective.” “If it comes up,” Jason said, “tell them to put that on my tombstone.”

“After all this time, it’s not how this moment was meant to go.” “I wouldn’t worry about it,” Jason said. “Star Wars fans feel like this every time a new movie comes out.”

“I cannot express enough our dismay at the attempt on Mr Asano’s life,” Denji said. “The what?” Erika asked. “It was just poison,” Jason said. “Oh, that’s fine,” Erika said with relief. “I once saw him drink bleach to make a point, and I’m not sure that even counts as poison. I’d have said it was more caustic than poisonous.”

“I’m fair game,” Jason said, then his voice turned cold. “You are not.”

“If they tell us the door was inside us all along,” Emi said, “I’m going to need you to beat them up.”

“So I just want the door to open and it does?” Jason asked. “That sounds suspiciously like the door was inside me all along.” Emi snorted a laugh.

You need not fear the man who kills, for all you need to do is be better. Fear the man who kills, then smiles and laughs like it is any other day. There is no line such a man will not cross, whatever he might tell you. Or tell himself.”

“I don’t think he’s like that,” Itsuki said. “Look at the things he’s done. It’s clear how hard he’s trying to be a good man.” “Exactly,” Koya said. “Good men don’t have to try.”

The opposite of good is easy. That may have been the moral of the last Harry Potter book, now that I think about it. Anyway, people don’t do bad things because there is some antagonistic force driving them to sin. They do them because when the right thing is hard, making little compromises doesn’t seem so bad. A shortcut here, a little selfishness when no one will ever know. Every step makes the next one a little easier.”

“So, ah, has Asya talked to you yet?” Greg asked. “About going to the other world?” “Yeah.” “She has. Have you both been working up to ask me?” “We figured one of us should soften you up by sleeping with you first,” Greg said. “I won’t lie: I’m glad she volunteered.” Jason burst out laughing.

“Don’t you dare pity me. You made my life a triumph. My death too, for that matter. Don’t you ever try and take that from me by thinking you made my choices for me. I died a hero, Jason, not a victim. You don’t get to turn me into one inside your head.”

“You should listen to Greg and your brother,” she said. “Be the crazy weirdo I fell for.” “I really want to kiss you,” he said, “but I would actually be kissing Shade. I’m pretty sure making out with your own familiar is crossing some kind of line.” “I don’t care.”

“I’m going to bang your wife and raise your kids,” Jason whispered. “I’m going to make all three call me Daddy.” “Oh my god, you’re an arse.”

“I'm gettin' good at me powers,” Orange said. “I've been practising like Instructor Hot Stuff taught us.” “You’re a pig, Orange,” Darce said. “I only call her that because of her volcano powers,” Orange said. “Do I also want to bang her like a drum? Yes, I do, but I'm a gentleman.”

“You’re Jason Asano,” one of them said. “I’m wearing his underwear, so I hope so,” Jason said.

“You’ll get there,” he said. “It’s when, not if.”