A Cosmic Kind of Love

by Samantha Young

“Take it from me, Cupcake, work isn’t everything. Don’t push away your loved ones in favor of your job.”

“Upside: my new waterproof mascara might be the first mascara in history to actually be waterproof.”

“I resent the idea that I would overlook a good woman for someone more physically attractive.” “Bah, attraction is all up here.” Aunt Richelle tapped her temple. “When I met Akio, we were just friends. I barely even noticed him like that. Then, within days of spending time with him, I realized I was growing more and more attracted to him. One day he didn’t give me butterflies, and the next day he smiled at me and, whoosh, butterflies galore.” She threw me a sad smile. “You fall in love with the person, Chris, not the face. Otherwise it isn’t love.”

With an aggravated sigh, I hung my head, wondering for the millionth time how it was possible to love someone this much who irritated the hell out of me.

“If someone did that to me, a stranger watched my private video letters without my knowledge, I’d be so beyond mad, and I don’t know if I could forgive them, so I understand if you can’t forgive me. Or if you have to tell Darcy.” Her expression blanched at the thought. Fuck. In that split second, I made a calculated decision. Disaster risk management. If I told her the truth now, when we hadn’t had a chance to even move past initial introductions, then I was risking any chance of getting to know her in person. I’d lose Hallie before I even had time to really know her. The thought made me feel off-kilter.

Darcy sidled up to us, leaning into Christopher with familiarity, her hand resting on his shoulder. I fought the urge to shove her hand off him. Whoa. I was feeling territorial. Wonderful. That was sarcasm, FYI.

“If it’s not too much hassle, I’d prefer your direct line. I don’t want to have to jump through hoops at your office to get to you.” I was planning on giving him my number anyway. Opportunist that I was. I rattled it off, and he saved it on his phone.

Before the waiter could pull out my chair, Christopher rounded it and did it for me. For a moment, the gesture stunned me. When was the last time a man pulled out my chair for me? It was such an old-fashioned gesture. And it completely charmed me.

“I think we’re taught to create goals and expect to achieve those goals if we work hard enough. Yet it’s always human nature to want more. To expect more and more and more. And don’t get me wrong, part of being human, part of what makes being a human a joy, is having dreams. Having hope. But I think there’s a fine line between that and the perpetual hunger for more and inevitable dissatisfaction with our lives because of it.”

his hotness rendering me nonverbal. I’d never been such a sucker for good looks before. It was Chris. It was everything about him. Richelle cleared her throat, and I realized I’d been staring after him. Whoops. I gave her a strained smile, and she returned it with an embarrassingly knowing one.

“You shouldn’t compare your achievements to anyone else. Look at your success. You’re excellent at your job, Hallie, and that’s why you work for one of the best event-management companies in the country. Never undervalue yourself.”

“Sometimes we bottle things up for so long that they just come pouring out when we least expect it.”

“I think your parents are probably the reason you’re a people pleaser.” I nodded, feeling that resentment rise in me again. “Yeah, I think so. I hate confrontation, I hate upsetting people, and I end up dragging out friendships and relationships I’m not happy with because I don’t want to deal with the fallout. I don’t need a therapist to tell me my parents’ behavior created that.” “That’s not good for you, Hallie. Or for the people in your life. Sometimes being nice so you don’t hurt feelings or get into an argument with someone is worse than just being honest. Sometimes there’s kindness in brutal honesty, even if it doesn’t feel like it at the time.” He winced suddenly. “Anyway, it’s not your job to police their war. Like you said, in the end no one is happy when you’re too busy trying to please everyone.”

“Hallie, I hate that someone would say that to you. I think you’re amazing. I’ve only known you a few weeks . . . but I can’t believe we’ve become such good friends in so little time. You’re one of my closest friends now.” Those flutters died dramatically in my stomach, gasping for a last breath like they’d just been shot. Closest friends. Friend. I’d just been friend-zoned.

“You can do anything you put your mind to. Ignore those so-called friends and family and this bullshit narrative they’re trying to create for you. You are an extremely capable woman. You know you are. Go backpacking if you want to go backpacking. Don’t let anyone stop you.”

“You belittled Hallie, and I would never make a mistake like that. She’s amazing. She’s kind; she’s smart, loyal, creative, funny. Man, you were lucky Hallie even talked to you, let alone touched you.”

“You deserve people to say nice things about you all the time.”

“Okay, why the hell do you look like you’re the only person on the planet who knows we’re all about to die in a meteor strike that no Ben Affleck–Bruce Willis deep-core-drilling team can save us from?” “That was intensely specific.” “Your expression is intensely Armageddon-like. Am I at least in the ballpark?” “Perhaps in my own private universe.”

“Sometimes when a person needs their head pulled out of their ass, it can be painful. It can take a while for them to process it, you know. Give him a minute.”

That’s cool. I think I’ll stay here, have another drink. You good?” I gaped at Derek. Althea was right. He was awesome. “I’m g-good,” I answered nervously. “I just feel bad.” “Don’t be. Sometimes guys need to see what they’re going to lose before they pull their heads out of their asses. Sorry we’re morons that way.”

“I didn’t bring you up here for a casual night together,” Chris said, his tone almost stern. “You need to know that now, because if that’s all you want from me, I can’t give it to you. I can’t because . . .” He released a long breath, something beyond tender and special settling in his expression. “I care about you a lot, Hallie—I have real feelings for you. Serious romantic feelings. I was going to tell you before now. I wanted to tell you last weekend, in fact, before your mom called. So I want you to know that this isn’t a jealous reaction to Derek. Yeah, I was jealous, but I was going to tell you how I felt before I saw you with him.”

“I want you,” Chris said gruffly. “So much. I wanted you from that very first video diary you sent. That’s why I was afraid to tell you the truth because I didn’t want to lose you before I even got the chance to really know you. It was wrong. I’m sorry. But I couldn’t take this further between us without telling you. I would never do that.”

“You’re beautiful,” he said shakily, his eyes meeting mine so I could see the sincerity in them. “Beyond anything anyone could want. And I want you, Hallie. But this isn’t just about me. You get that right? Sex is about two people, not just the guy and what he wants.”

“I saw you naked at your aunt’s house.” Seriously, what was with my lack of a filter around him? Chris raised an eyebrow. “When?” “You know how I tripped over Bandit?” “You were spying on me?” “Unintentionally.” I stood up, my hands raised beseechingly. “Oh God, Chris, I’m so sorry. I came up the stairs, and your door was open, and you took off your underwear—and your ass, oh Jesus, your ass is mesmerizing, but then I realized I was perving on you, and I tried to back away, but I fell over the dog and— Oh!” I yelped in surprise as he lifted me by the waist and threw me with ease onto the bed. I landed with an oof and sat up on my elbows to watch Chris unzip his jeans. “You’re not mad?” “Did it make you hot?” he asked hoarsely, shoving down his jeans. “Watching me?” “Yes. Very, very, very, very hot.” Then he was naked. Entirely naked. And apparently he wanted me a whole lot.

“You’re staring,” she whispered, her palms resting lightly on my chest. “Hallie Goodman is naked and straddling me,” I answered with a grin. “Of course I’m staring. I’d like to memorize this moment.” Her spine straightened, her breasts jutting out, nipples tight and tempting. Confidence crept into her touch as she caressed my chest and undulated slowly on me. “Do you need to memorize it?” Hallie leaned down to kiss me. “I was kind of hoping to straddle you naked a lot in the future.”

“Let’s be clear . . . I don’t want Darcy. I don’t want anyone else but you. I’m in this with you.”

“So we’re doing this? We’re planning a three-month trip around the world? Mexico first . . . then Asia?” “Sounds like a plan to me, mi cielo.” I raised my head at what sounded like an endearment. “Mi what?” His eyes darted over my face, and there was no hiding his affection. I could only hope that his affection was as deep as mine. “I had a friend in the air force, Juan, second-generation Mexican and raised in a big Mexican American family. He’s the one who taught me the basics of Spanish. And he called his fiancé ‘mi cielo’ all the time. It means ‘my sky,’ ‘my heaven.’ I never really gave much thought to it—” He stared deeply into my eyes. “But now, every time I look at you, those words fill my mind. Mi cielo.”

“You don’t know anything about me.” “Oh, I know exactly who you are.” He stepped forward and pulled something out of the inside of his suit pocket. “How much will it take to make you go away?”

“There isn’t a number in the world you could get to, to make me break things off with Chris. Now, if you’re done insulting me, I think you better leave before I call security.” He raised an eyebrow as if I was the audacious one. “You’ll regret this.”

“Who you are is not your cultural heritage. It’s the choices you make and the actions you take.”

“We’re only human. So I get it that jealousy happens. But I promise you, you have no reason to be jealous of Darcy. And I need to know you trust me.” Hallie nodded slowly. “I do. Old insecurities kicking in there.” “You have no reason for them.” I nipped playfully at her mouth. “You’re all I think about. You’re all I want.” My kiss was hungrier now, deeper as my exhaustion gave way to something more powerful. I started walking her backward toward the bedroom. “And I’m going to show you just how much.”

I didn’t know what the right thing to do was. I just knew I did not want to lose Hallie Goodman now that I’d miraculously found her.

“I’m going to bed,” I announced. Hint, hint. Chris flicked me a distracted smile. “I’m going to finish watching this.” We were there already? A mere summer of loving, and that was it? “I’m not really that tired tonight,” I tried to be more obvious. “Then stay and watch the rest of the film.” I glowered at him and pushed up off the couch. “Maybe I’ll just read before bed.” I lowered my voice to a mutter, “Maybe erotica, since no one else is getting me off tonight.” “Huh? What?” I waved him off, walking away. “Night. Don’t worry about me.” “Okay, night.”

“So when you were standing there with your arms around another woman, your ex-girlfriend, and she’s not only got her arms around you but her hand on your fucking stomach, it didn’t occur to you, this might hurt Hallie? Or were you too busy caring for another woman’s feelings to think about mine?”

I didn’t want to fight with Chris. It was the worst feeling in the world.

Clinging to his “I love you,” walking back in there, hoping everything would just resolve itself, would hurt more than accepting this was what we needed right now. I’d spent my whole life hoping. Hoping for my parents to stop fighting. Hoping for my friends and boyfriends to see me as something more than an anecdote they told at a party. Hoping to one day meet someone who really saw me and still thought I was the most special person in their universe. I thought I’d finally found the latter, and from there I had hoped it would last. Hope was a double-edged sword. It gave you the strength to get up out of bed during the worst times of your life, but it could also blind you and stop you from moving on from things that, in the end, weren’t good for you. I wouldn’t spend the rest of my life yo-yoing between the highest highs and the lowest lows. “Sometimes love isn’t enough, Chris.”

“I’m not telling you what to do about Chris. I just want you to realize that when you love someone with a lot of passion, fear of losing them can make you question everything. Maybe you and Chris do have some trust issues, but it’s possible it’s not a lack of trust in each other but a lack of trust in yourselves.”

“Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe Hallie is wrong. But, Chris, out of Hallie, Darcy, and your father, which one of them has been nothing but honest, loyal, and supportive of you?” Emotion had risen in a painful burn from my chest, and my vision blurred. “I’ve fucked up, haven’t I?” “I think so. But it’s never too late to fix things.”

“Well, see, some asshole astronaut broke her heart, and she decided she needed as much distance from him as she could get.” Her gaze flickered away before coming back to mine. “She’s taken a sabbatical and is going on the trip she’d planned to take with you next summer. She’s going alone. So because of you, I don’t get to see my best friend for three months. Thanks for that.”

“And you better grovel, Captain! Grovel like there’s no tomorrow!”

“I shouldn’t have let you leave in the first place. Because we will probably argue in the future, Hallie. Over things that don’t matter and things that do. That doesn’t mean we’re not meant for each other. It just means we’re human.” “I know. I know that. I do.”

“I would like to take the job. But it has to be our decision because I want us to be together. I’ve been a student and a soldier, an astronaut, a scientist, and a writer. And I’ve never felt a hundred percent certain that any of those things were something I wanted or needed to be.” He touched his forehead to mine. “But being yours . . . that’s the only thing in my life I am one hundred percent certain I want and need to be.”

“Did your package arrive?” she asked without preamble. I smiled giddily at Chris as he snuggled me close. “He’s here.” “And it’s all good? He groveled? I specifically instructed him to grovel.” Laughing, I nodded. “There was sufficient groveling. And we’re good. We’re fantastic actually.” “Ah, thank God!” Althea cried dramatically. “I’m so happy for you.” “Thank you, my friend.”

My whole life I’d done the chasing, the people-pleasing. No one had ever chased me. No one had ever prioritized me the way I was willing to prioritize them. Until now.

“Trip is off.” I slipped my phone back into my purse and took a hold of his hand. “What do you say we take this back to my place?” His hand tightened around mine. “I know that look in your eye. Shouldn’t we talk first before you rip my clothes off?” “No. We have lots to discuss about our future together. And I’d quite like to do that naked after several apology orgasms. Mine. Not yours.” Chris chuckled, pulling me into his side with one arm while he took my luggage with his free hand. “I thought you already accepted my apology?” “The verbal one, yes. But we haven’t had sex since our argument, so you owe me for all the sex we missed.”

As long as we had each other, we could handle anything the cosmos sent our way.