The First to Die at the End

by Adam Silvera

but I don’t know if I can orbit around someone this beautiful and not just fall in love, stay in love, and die in love.

It’s not fair how someone can do everything right and still be hurt because someone else does one thing wrong.

“I understand that the person who gets the Death-Cast call isn’t the only one dying. If you really hold someone in your heart, you die too.”

“Here’s the truth no one ever wants to admit when death is on the horizon, or when you’re deep in that grief—as long as you keep existing, you’ll keep breathing, and if you’re breathing, one day you’ll start living again.”

“I want to make great memories. Something to look back on whenever existing seems hard.”

I write short stories because I am one. I wish I was a novel. Breaths away from midnight, I know my final chapter is close. I look up at Valentino, wondering what life could’ve offered if I had more pages in me.

It’s heartbreaking how much it costs to be alive when you’re always dying.

“Valentino, if you want some motherfucking linguini, I’ll find you some motherfucking linguini.”

I crouch beside Valentino, gazing into his reddened blue eyes. “What you want to do for me is so beyond beautiful that I’m already indebted to you, even if nothing happens. But I’m not going to live the life you want for me if it means you not living yours out while you can.”

gets paid bank

Valentino cracks, crying so damn hard.

Orion kisses me. “You got this, Valentino.”

This is my End Day, and all I’ve had today is black tea because of the potential surgery, but as I raise the glass to my lips again, I think about all the things I’d want to drink one last time if I could: iced tea with lots of lemon; a root beer float from a diner; the green shakes and vanilla protein smoothies I loved making in the mornings; apple juice that reminds me of sharing sippy cups with Scarlett as kids; and gallons and gallons of water. I’m still really dehydrated when I’m done with this little exercise, but I’m full on the memories of these little things I took for granted. I release a deep breath that’s satisfying to Orion.

Death-Cast was supposed to eliminate these fears, but they messed up and now I have no idea if we’re both destined to die at the end.